Primer

You’re the one you’ve been waiting for.

—B YRON K ATIE

I T MATTERS how things start.

So, I want you to know this before we begin. There is an escape route from this quicksand of confusion you’re feeling, the one that threatens your ability to move forward. Even though it doesn’t feel like it, there is . Whether it’s been months or years of meandering through the dark, I know that the daily search of Where the hell am I going? wears even the strongest woman thin. When you’re constantly questioning where you’re supposed to be and how the hell you’re supposed to get there, the quicksand gets even quicker.

One thought multiplies itself like some virus until the bombardment of questions just won’t stop:

Is this job the right one?

Did I make the right decision?

Why am I not farther along by now?

Why can’t I find something that even halfway fulfills me?

Where should I put down roots and live?

Am I supposed to be doing this for the rest of my life?

Should I be doing something else? Or more?

Am I meant for anything worthwhile?

Will it always feel like this?

Will I ever get there? And where is “ there ” ?

I’m so lost.

With each question and doubt, you struggle a bit more, further distancing yourself from the direction you’re desperate for. When this happens, it’s easy to lose hope that you’ll ever find your way out and get back to knowing (or having some sense of it at least) that you’re on the right track.

Wanting just a little bit of clarity about where life is going is not too much to ask.

This barrage of doubt often leaves you with But how did I get here? How can someone who has worked this hard and piled up a treasure chest of achievements ... someone who took all the right classes ... someone who’s working hard to create a career (even if it’s sucking the soul right out of you) ... someone who prides themselves on having it all together ... feel so not together?

Because what you’re feeling is normal. In fact, I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone who hasn’t felt lost at some point. What you must remember in order to pull yourself out of that place of self-doubt sooner rather than later is that you’re not alone . ¹ Which is hard to remember when everyone on Instagram seems like they’ve got their shit so figured out. I know how insanely isolating it feels to believe that you’re lost.

Contrary to what you think, feeling lost is actually a wildly wonderful thing. These crap feelings are a part of your process for achieving clarity. Breaking points break you open. They lead you to the light. If you never face these feelings, you’ll never have the option to rebuild a path you’re fully pumped about.

Let me do some explaining about how you got here (because I have opinions, lots of them). I should probably mention first that you (well, all of us, really) were sold a bill of goods. You were promised that if you followed all the “right” steps, then everything would come together and your future would appear magically with each check on your list of accomplishments. We all believed it, passionately.

But the truth is, we’re living in a world that obsesses over achievement and outcomes and misses the messy process of the journey entirely. Maybe you sorta know what you want but you have no idea how to get there. Or maybe you’re at a total loss for both. Either way, you’re handcuffed both to your own obsession with thinking your way to a solution and to your belief that dreaming up the “big picture” is going to end the longing for direction in your life.

This obsession with the big picture is everything holding you back (and a fast track to an emotional hell). Life isn’t a well-planned trip down Highway 1; you don’t need to know where you’ll end up in order to begin.

Here’s what you do need: a deep, deep sense of self-belief. We’re talking an ocean of it, swelling to the stars. It’s the single most important skill that you’re missing in this moment, and the only one that will catapult you into trusting where you’re going even if you can’t actually see where it ends. Plus, it’ll ensure that you enjoy the process of getting there.

Let me just say that this isn’t a blame game. Missing the puzzle piece of confidence, especially as women in this world, is totally normal and understandable. There are so many external messages, cultural constructions, and institutions (ahem, patriarchy, anyone?) that play whack-a-mole with your soul. You’re told that if you are not a certain way (race, gender, sexuality, size, status, or fill in the blank) you don’t deserve to be here. It grinds you down until you’re unsure if you even possess anything worth offering. And it can be hard to push back against it, but we’re going to, together, because coming out of your own personal lost fog depends on it. You get to decide to be confident and to take the actions that will build that confidence. And yes, the brain can be rewired like that. ²

Confidence in yourself will shine a spotlight on the exit route from your deafening doubt. Conventional wisdom taught you that you need to know where you’re going in order to begin, but actually, you’ll unlock it all by just beginning. You’ll start by starting. You’ll take one teeny, tiny step, something small, today . And then tomorrow. And the next day. And all the days after it. The steps will get bigger, and you’ll feel more and more sure about your path. You’ll also be less tolerant of anyone telling you to be different from who you truly are. Your steps won’t all be right, but they’ll all be forward. Plus, these micro-actions kindle a slow burn of confidence, which will turn into a bonfire of self-believin’. ³

Small Action Confidence More Actions More Confidence Bigger Actions DIRECTION

Oh, the bottles of wine I wouldn’t have drunk if I’d only known all of this earlier. We often don’t associate our feelings of being lost with a lack of self-belief (I didn’t), but that’s a big part of what’s going on. If we did, we’d be out there doing things, trying things, starting things, instead of full-on frozen trying to think our way to the end destination. This is the secret password you’ve been looking for. And these pages are devoted to helping you create the right micro-steps that will build a big, beautiful cycle of self-belief in your life. You’ll build it with consistent encouragement to take mini-step after mini-step, each of which is designed to deepen your belief in your abilities and illuminate your direction. We’ll say good-bye to the big picture (for now) and hello to the little stuff (immediately).

Let’s get a few things straight, though, because hot damn there’s so much crap out there about what you should be and try to become. Confidence isn’t about being a better or different you. It’s about seeing yourself and all that you have and believing in that .

Let history remember that I gave you the actual definition of confidence, which is the level in which you believe your actions will have a positive outcome . This is important because so much of finding your way is trusting that what you do today will lead you somewhere you want to be tomorrow. Your path, the one you’re freaking out about, the one you’re confused about where it’s headed ... it’ll show up when you return to yourself. You’ll realize that you’ve got the skills, and the determination, and the talent to do whatever you want to do. You’ve got what it takes. It’s simply a matter of learning to trust that and trust yourself.

Here’s the really great news: Like all the other skills you’ve spent so much time working on, confidence in yourself can be strategized, and it’ll get stronger with time and practice.

We’re going to leave the big questions about your life in the dust, and instead get crystal clear on the little actions you can implement now. The end result will be the same: You’ll eventually shift your mindset from one of lost to one of found, but without having to know exactly how it all ends. You’ll realize that you’ve had the compass in your hand all along. That compass is confidence. It’ll get you pushing your dreams forward like you didn’t know you could, and throw massive momentum into your everyday interactions. This is so much better than having it all figured out. This is you defining your journey and really enjoying it, like, eating-a-hot-Nutella-crepe-on-the-streets-of-Paris-with-Lady-Eiffel-sparkling-in-the-background enjoying it. Really loving it.

My goal with these pages is to hold up a mirror so you can see what I’d see if we were together catching up in my sunset nook over takeout Thai food: that all of your education and all of your hard work and all of your personal development and all of those unique talents are moving you somewhere you want to be ... somewhere magical. Even your wrong turns have mattered, because often so much of knowing where you do want to go is knowing where you’ve been and never care to return. We’re going to get you the hell out of Dodge.

HOW ALL THIS WORKS

Some of this confidence stuff is an inside job. And even more of it requires you to actually do something—a lot of small somethings, actually. This is going to require some commitment on your end. But it can be done and it pays off big-time. Once you begin to wrap your mind and heart around how much there already is to believe in—how much you already are—the doubts that originally held you back will slowly disappear, making way for clarity and action.

I’ve put together a stiff cocktail of confidence for you throughout this book. I’ve been where you’ve been, big-time , and most women I know have been here too. Fulfilling life experiences, while still far from perfect, are a very near and very real likelihood for you. I promise, I’d go through the worst of the worst of my days of feeling lost a million times over to get where I am. I would. Because they all led me here. And yours will too.

Let me level-set some of your expectations: I don’t know where my life ends up. And neither will you. Unless you happened upon a magic crystal ball, no one does. But trust yourself that through this book you’ll be taking the right actions to get to somewhere you want to be—that’s the real game changer. I know it in my bones and soon you will too.

The not-so-magical three-word death sentence I’m so lost has been uttered in almost every conversation I’ve ever had with a group of women, no matter what city, state, or even continent. And by the way, we’re talking thousands and thousands and thousands of conversations. Because that is what I do—I talk with women for a living. Emphasis on the with , because I’m not a sociologist, a psychologist, or an -ist of any kind. Other than a feminist. But I am a curious and passionate listener, connector, and storyteller. And that’s what these pages were born from—having the unique gift of listening to thousands of young women who felt lost and advising them on their career goals, while listening to experts and leaders who once felt that way too, and connecting the truths in all of our stories to figure out a collective framework for solving this feeling of being lost .

No matter how great a cheerleader I am (and I am—I believe so much, so utterly much, in every woman and her ability to move forward with blazing certainty), I’ll make one thing crystal clear: I can give you the seeds for your garden, but girl, you gotta do the planting. And raking. And resoiling after the thunderstorm. Basically, you gotta do the work. Because this book isn’t the answer. It’s here to help you realize that you are. The next pages are about you creating a path forward that is yours and only yours. Always yours. No one, including myself, can tell you how to find your path. But I can give you the confidence to create it.

I’ll do that by showing you the women who’ve stood in your shoes, including myself. I’m so excited about the women I’m going to introduce you to. They’re confident and inspiring and have figured it out, with a capital F . They’re living it every day, regardless of not knowing where it’ll all lead. Also, I’ll be sharing with you what the most recent research is saying about how to make this situation better, and then I’ll let you make it about you. Because that’s where the shifts happen, when you take all this advice and color it with the trials of your own life to get into action.

SEEK AND YOU SHALL FIND ...

While you won’t find a prescriptive answer to your life in this book, you will find You’ve Got This mini-actions throughout the chapters, meant to be small hits of confidence right to your bloodstream so that you get a feel for what we’re trying to implement. And importantly, you’ll find worksheets at the end of every chapter. They’re more in depth and more provocative—not homework, but discovery, and who doesn’t love knowing more about themselves? The best way to do these worksheets is to settle into them. Put on some cozy socks, make yourself some tea, and give yourself the space and quiet to let your truth come up. There’s no need to rush.

The worksheets conclude with a bigger action, Do It Now , which may make you nervous because you don’t want to do it. But that’s why you’ve gotta. Don’t resist—make like a bad Nike ad and just do it ... now.

Just as there are three types of activities, there are also three sections—Ditch, Create, and Rise—and it’s not just because three was my favorite number growing up. Ditch is where you’re going to drop the trapped mindsets that keep you feeling lost. Create is where you’ll start picking up real momentum by beginning the future you’re searching for. And Rise will be everything you need to keep going, to keep ascending.

All of this is necessary because tiny micro-actions will eventually lead you to your big picture, to the top of the hill. They’ll open up the gates of trust—in yourself. You’ll finally see that you don’t have to have it all figured out to know you’re going the right way.

HOT WITH INTENTION

While I have you, I should let you know about my real intention with this book (because Queen Oprah taught me early on that you don’t do anything in life without an intention, and I don’t do anything without Oprah). Think about it—the laws of physics (and I’m a big ol’ wannabe physics nerd) prove how important intention is through Newton’s third law of motion: For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction . ⁴ So everything you think, everything you do, all the energetic force you put out into the world ... it’s coming back to you. Have more control over what comes your way by being intentional with what you give out.

So here’s my intention: This book is written for you from the core of my being, but (and don’t take this personally) it’s not all about you. It’s about something bigger, something massive, which cannot be done without you.

When we all tap into an unrelenting belief in ourselves, there’s no stopping us. Individually being here, using our voices, showing up, knowing what we stand for, and pursuing the life that sets our soul on fire will inspire others to do the same. Reckoning with our own authentic power at scale will lead to the global rise of women. And that’s why I’m here; that’s my intention for writing this, for speaking to you: so that we may rise .

Because when we have more women in positions of leadership, we’ll have more women fighting for the prosperity of others, we’ll create more jobs and new ways of doing things that are desperately needed, both here and in developing countries, we’ll speak up against injustice, and ultimately, we’ll create a world that works toward the well-being of all. And that’s a world that’s better for every last one of us. We all need some heroes right now, and confidently showing up in our lives allows us all to create solutions and incite change. We are those heroes.

Confidence is fundamental to our collective future. Give yourself this gift so you can start to pay it forward. It all starts with you.