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WHY POSITIVE DISCIPLINE?

P arenting classes are full of parents with preschoolers. Internet parenting forums echo with questions like “Why does my three-year-old bite?” or “How do I get my five-year-old to stay in bed at night?” Child development experts, preschool directors, and therapists all boast offices overflowing with parents whose offspring have reached the age of three or four or five and who are wondering what on earth has happened. Listen for a moment to these parents:

As you will discover in the pages that follow (or as you may already realize), these years from ages three to six are busy, hectic ones for young children—and for their parents and caregivers. Preschoolers are physically active and energetic; researchers tell us that human beings have more physical energy at the age of three than at any other time in their life span—certainly more than their weary parents. Their inborn drive for emotional, cognitive, and physical development is urging them to explore the world around them; they’re acquiring and practicing social skills and entering the world outside the protected haven of the family. And preschoolers have ideas—lots of them—about how that world should operate. Their ideas, along with their urges to experiment and explore, often do not mesh with their parents’ and caregivers’ expectations.

It’s probably safe to say that what you will discover in the chapters ahead is a bit different from what you grew up with. You will discover concepts such as kindness and firmness at the same time and looking for solutions with your child. You will learn about the importance of teaching social and life skills. And you will learn how essential it is to view parenting as a long-term commitment, rather than a series of crises and questions. You may even wonder what happened to “good old-fashioned discipline.” What would Dr. Benjamin Spock (or Grandma) think of all this?

ADLER AND DREIKURS: PIONEERS IN PARENTING

Positive Discipline is based on the work of Alfred Adler and his colleague Rudolf Dreikurs. Adler was a Viennese psychiatrist and a contemporary of Sigmund Freud—but he and Freud disagreed about almost everything. Adler believed that human behavior is motivated by a desire for belonging, significance, connection, and worth, which is influenced by our early decisions about ourselves, others, and the world around us. Interestingly, recent research tells us that children are “hardwired” from birth to seek connection with others, and that children who feel a sense of connection to their families, schools, and communities are less likely to misbehave. Adler believed that everyone has equal rights to dignity and respect (including children), ideas that found a warm reception in America, a land he adopted as his own after immigrating here.

Rudolf Dreikurs, a Viennese psychiatrist and student of Adler’s who came to the United States in 1937, was a passionate advocate of the need for dignity and mutual respect in all relationships—including the family. He wrote books about teaching and parenting that are still widely read, including the classic Children: The Challenge.

As you will learn, much of what many people mislabel as “misbehavior” in preschoolers has more to do with emotional, physical, and cognitive development and age-appropriate behavior. Young children need teaching, guidance, and love (which is a good definition of Positive Discipline).

WHAT IS POSITIVE DISCIPLINE?

Positive Discipline is effective with preschoolers because it is different from conventional discipline. It has nothing to do with punishment (which many people think is synonymous with discipline) and everything to do with teaching valuable social and life skills. Discipline with young children involves deciding what you will do and then kindly and firmly following through, rather than expecting your child to “behave.” As your child matures and becomes more skilled, you will be able to involve him in the process of focusing on solutions and participating in limit setting. In this way he can practice his thinking skills, feel more capable, and learn to use his power and autonomy in useful ways—to say nothing of feeling more motivated to follow solutions and limits he has helped create. The principles of Positive Discipline will help you build a relationship of love and respect with your child and will help you solve problems together for many years to come.

The building blocks of Positive Discipline include:

MORE ABOUT DISCIPLINE

Do these parents’ words sound familiar?

When people talk about “discipline” they usually mean “punishment” because they believe the two are one and the same. Parents and teachers sometimes yell and lecture, spank and slap hands, take away toys and privileges, and plop children in a punitive time-out to “think about what you did.” Unfortunately, no matter how effective punishment may seem at the moment, it does not create the long-term learning and social and life skills parents truly want for their children. Punishment only makes a challenging situation worse, inviting both adults and children to plunge headfirst into power struggles.

Positive Discipline is based on a different premise: that children (and adults) do better when they feel better. Positive Discipline is about teaching (the meaning of the word discipline is “to teach”), understanding, encouraging, and communicating—not about punishing.

Most of us absorbed our ideas about discipline from our own parents, our society, and years of tradition and assumptions. We often believe that children must suffer (at least a little) or they won’t learn anything. But in the past few decades, our society and culture have changed rapidly and our understanding of how children grow and learn has changed, so the ways we teach children to be capable, responsible, confident people must change as well. Punishment may seem to work in the short term. But over time, it creates rebellion, resistance, or children who just don’t believe in their own worth. There is a better way, and this book is devoted to helping parents discover it.

WHAT CHILDREN REALLY NEED

There is a difference between wants and needs, and your child’s needs are simpler than you might think. All genuine needs should be met. But when you give in to all of your child’s wants, you can create huge problems for your child and for yourself.

For example, your preschooler needs food, shelter, and care. He needs warmth and security. He does not need a pint-sized computer, a television in his bedroom, an iPod, or a miniature monster truck to drive. He may love staring at the television screen, but experts tell us that any kind of screen time at this age may hamper optimal brain development. (More about this later.) He may want to sleep in your bed, but he will feel a sense of self-reliance and capability by learning to fall asleep in his own bed. He may love french fries and sugary soda, but if you provide them you could be setting the stage for childhood (and adult) obesity. You get the idea.

From his earliest moments in your family, your young child has four basic needs:

If you can provide your child with these needs, he will be well on his way to becoming a competent, resourceful, happy human being.

The Importance of Belonging and Significance

“Well, of course,” you may be thinking, “everyone knows a child needs to belong.” Most parents believe that what a child really needs is quite simple: he needs love. But love alone does not always create a sense of belonging or worth. In fact, love sometimes leads parents to pamper their children, to punish their children, or to make decisions that are not in their child’s long-term best interest.

Everyone—adults and children alike—needs to belong somewhere. We need to know that we are accepted unconditionally for who we are, rather than just our behavior or what we can do. For young children, the need to belong is even more crucial. After all, they’re still learning about the world around them and their place in it. They need to know they are loved and wanted even when they have a tantrum, spill their cereal, break Dad’s golf clubs, or make yet another mess in the kitchen.

Children who don’t believe they belong become discouraged, and discouraged children often misbehave. Notice the word believe. You may know your child belongs and is significant. But if he doesn’t believe it (sometimes for the darnedest reasons, such as the birth of another baby), he may try to find his sense of belonging and significance in mistaken ways. In fact, most young children’s misbehavior is a sort of “code” designed to let you know that they don’t feel a sense of belonging and need your attention, connection, time, and teaching.

When you can create a sense of belonging and significance for every member of your family, your home becomes a place of peace, respect, and safety.

Perceptions of Capability

Your preschooler will never learn to make decisions, learn new skills, or trust his own abilities if you don’t make room for him to practice. Parenting in the preschool years involves a great deal of letting go.

You will learn more in the chapters ahead about encouraging perceptions of capability in your child, but for now, consider this: words alone are not powerful enough to build a sense of competence and confidence in children. Children feel capable when they experience capability and self-sufficiency—when they are able to successfully do something—and from developing solid skills.

Personal Power and Autonomy

As you will see, developing autonomy and initiative are among the earliest developmental tasks your child will face. And while parents may not exactly like it, even the youngest child has personal power—and quickly learns how to use it. If you doubt this, think about the last time you saw a four-year-old jut out his jaw, fold his arms, and say boldly, “No! I don’t want to!”

Part of your job as a parent will be to help your child learn to channel his considerable power in positive directions—to help solve problems, to learn life skills, and to respect and cooperate with others. Punishment will not teach these vital lessons: effective and loving discipline will.

Social and Life Skills

Teaching your child skills—how to get along with other children and adults, how to feed and dress herself, how to learn responsibility—will occupy most of your parenting hours during the preschool years. But the need for social and practical life skills never goes away. In fact, true self-esteem does not come from being loved, praised, or showered with goodies—it comes from having skills.

When children are young, they love to imitate parents. Your child will want to hammer nails with you, squirt the bottle of detergent or prepare breakfast (with lots of supervision). As he grows more capable, you can use these everyday moments of life together to teach him how to become a competent, capable person. Working together to learn skills can occasionally be messy, but it’s also an enjoyable and valuable part of raising your child.

WHY SOME PARENTS DON’T ACCEPT NONPUNITIVE METHODS

Because all children (and all parents) are unique individuals, there are usually several nonpunitive solutions to any problem. Some of the parents we meet at lectures and parenting classes don’t immediately understand or accept these solutions; indeed, Positive Discipline requires a paradigm shift—a radically different way of thinking about discipline. Parents who are hooked on punishment often are asking the wrong questions. They usually want to know:

Most frazzled parents want answers to these questions at one time or another, but they are based on short-term thinking. Parents will be eager for nonpunitive alternatives when they ask the right questions—and see the results this change in approach creates for them and their children. What are the right kinds of questions? Here’s a good start.

These questions address the big picture and are based on long-term thinking. We have found that when parents find answers to the long-term questions, the short-term questions take care of themselves. Children will “mind” and cooperate (at least, most of the time) when they feel a sense of belonging and significance, they will understand “no” when they are developmentally ready and are involved in solutions to problems, and they’ll listen when parents listen to them and talk in ways that invite listening. Problems are solved more easily when children are involved in the process.

We have included Positive Discipline tips in every chapter of this book. In this chapter, we will tell you why punitive discipline methods should be avoided, and we will present suggestions for nonpunitive methods that will help your child develop into a capable and loving person.

DISCIPLINE METHODS TO AVOID

Most parents have done it at one time or another. But if you are screaming, yelling, or lecturing, stop. If you are spanking, stop. If you are trying to gain compliance through threats and warnings, stop. All of these methods are disrespectful and encourage doubt, shame, guilt, and/or rebellion—now and in the future. Ultimately, punishment creates more misbehavior. (There are many research studies that demonstrate the long-term negative effects of punishment. These studies are usually buried in academic journals where parents don’t see them.)

“Wait just one minute,” you may be thinking. “These methods worked for my parents. You’re taking away every tool I have to manage my child’s behavior. What am I supposed to do, let my child do anything she wants?” Of course not. Permissiveness is disrespectful and does not teach important life skills. You can never really control anyone’s behavior but your own, and your attempts to control your child will usually create more problems and more power struggles. Later in this chapter, we offer several methods that invite cooperation (when applied with a kind and firm attitude) while encouraging your preschooler to develop character and valuable life skills.

Life with an active, challenging preschooler becomes much easier when you accept that positive learning does not take place in a threatening atmosphere. Children don’t listen when they are feeling scared, hurt, or angry. Punishment derails the learning process.

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Eight Methods for Implementing Positive Discipline

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METHODS THAT INVITE COOPERATION

So, what tools and ideas will help your child learn all she needs to know? If punishment doesn’t work, what does? Here are some suggestions. Remember, your child’s individual development is critical in these years; remember, too, that nothing works all the time for all children. As your unique child grows and changes, you’ll have to return to the drawing board many times, but these ideas will form the foundation for years of effective parenting.

Get Children Involved

Education comes from the Latin root educare, which means “to draw forth.” This may explain why children so often tune you out when you try to “stuff in” through constant demands and lectures.

Instead of telling children what to do, find ways to involve them in decisions and to draw out what they think and perceive. Curiosity questions (which often begin with “what” or “how”) are one way to do this. Ask, “What do you think will happen if you push your tricycle over the curb?” or “What do you need to do to get ready for preschool?” Children who are involved in decision making experience a healthy sense of personal power and autonomy. For children who are not yet able to talk, say, “Next, we_________,” while kindly and firmly showing them what to do.

There are several particularly effective ways of getting preschoolers involved in cooperation and problem solving. Here are three suggestions:

Create routines together. Young children learn best by repetition and consistency, so you can ease the transitions of family life by involving them in creating reliable routines. Routines can be created for every event that happens over and over: getting up, bedtime, dinner, shopping, and so on. Sit down with your child and invite her to help you make a routine chart. Ask her to tell you the tasks involved in the routine (such as bedtime). Let her help you decide on the order. Take pictures of her doing each task that can be pasted next to each item. Then let her illustrate the chart with markers and glitter. Hang it where she can see it, and let the routine chart become the boss. When your child gets distracted, you can ask, “What’s next on your routine chart?” (Be sure not to confuse these with sticker or reward charts, which diminish your child’s inner sense of capability because the focus is on the reward.)

Offer limited choices. Having choices gives children a sense of power: they have the power to choose one possibility or another. Choices also invite a child to use his thinking skills as he contemplates what to do. And, of course, young children often love it when choices include an opportunity to help. “What is the first thing you will do when we get home—help me put the groceries away or read a story? You decide.” “Would you like to carry the blanket or the cracker box as we walk to the car? You decide.” Adding “You decide” increases your child’s sense of power. Be sure the choices are developmentally appropriate and that all of the choices are options you are comfortable with. When your child wants to do something else, you can say, “That wasn’t one of the choices. You can decide between this and this.”

Provide opportunities for your child to help you. Young children often resist a command to get in the car but respond cheerfully to a request like “I need your help. Will you carry the keys to the car for me?” Activities that might easily have become power struggles and battles can become opportunities for laughter and closeness if you use your instincts and your creativity. Allowing your child to help you (even when it’s messy or inconvenient) also sets the stage for cooperation later on.

Teach Respect by Being Respectful

Parents usually believe children should show respect, not have it shown to them. But children learn respect by seeing what it looks like in action. Be respectful when you make requests. Don’t expect a child to do something “right now” when you are interrupting something she is thoroughly engaged in. Give her some warning: “We need to leave in a minute. Do you want to swing one more time or go down the slide?” Carry a small timer around with you. Teach her to set it to one or two minutes. Then let her put the timer in her pocket so she can be ready to go when the timer goes off.

Remember, too, that making a child feel shame and humiliation—such as a child might feel if she was spanked in the middle of the park (or anywhere else, for that matter)—is disrespectful, and a child who is treated with disrespect is likely to return the favor. Kindness and firmness show respect for your child’s dignity, your own dignity, and the needs of the situation.

Use Your Sense of Humor

No one ever said parenting had to be boring or unpleasant. Laughter is often the best way to approach a situation. Try saying, “Here comes the tickle monster to get children who don’t pick up their toys.” Learn to laugh together and to create games to get unpleasant jobs done quickly. Humor is one of the best—and most enjoyable—parenting tools.

Not everything can be treated lightly, of course. But rules become less difficult to follow when children know that a spontaneous tickling match or pillow battle might erupt at any moment. Taking time to lighten up and to laugh together works where discipline is concerned, too, and makes life more pleasant for everyone.

Get into Your Child’s World

Understanding your preschooler’s developmental needs and limitations is critical to parenting during these important years. Do your best to be empathetic when your child becomes upset or has a temper tantrum out of frustration with his lack of abilities. Empathy does not mean rescuing. It means understanding. Give your child a hug and say, “You’re really upset right now. I know you want to stay.” Then hold your child and let him experience his feelings before you gently guide him to leave. If you rescue your child by letting him stay, he won’t have the opportunity to learn from experience that he can survive disappointment.

Getting into your child’s world also means seeing the world from his perspective and recognizing his abilities—and his limitations. Occasionally ask yourself how you might be feeling (and acting) if you were your child. It can be illuminating to view the world through a smaller person’s eyes.

Say What You Mean, Then Follow Through with Kindness and Firmness

Children usually sense when you mean what you say and when you don’t. It’s usually best not to say anything unless you mean it and can say it respectfully—and can then follow through with dignity and respect. The fewer words you say, the better! This may mean redirecting or showing a child what she can do instead of punishing her for what she can’t do. It also might mean wordlessly removing a child from the slide when it is time to go, rather than getting into an argument or a battle of wills. When this is done kindly, firmly, and without anger, it will be both respectful and effective.

Be Patient

Understand that you may need to teach your child many things over and over before she is developmentally ready to understand. For example, you can encourage your child to share, but don’t expect her to understand the concept and do it on her own when she doesn’t feel like it. When she refuses to share, rest assured that this doesn’t mean she will be forever selfish. It will help to understand that she is acting age-appropriately. (More on social skills in Chapter 11.) Don’t take your child’s behavior personally and think your child is mad at you, bad, or defiant. Act like the adult (sometimes easier said than done) and do what is necessary without guilt and shame.

Act, Don’t Talk—and Supervise Carefully

Minimize your words and maximize your actions. As Rudolf Dreikurs once said, “Shut your mouth and act.” Quietly take your child by the hand and lead her to where she needs to go. Show her what she can do instead of what she can’t do. And no matter how bright, cooperative, or quick to learn your child is, be sure to supervise her actions carefully. Preschoolers are often impulsive little people and your child will need your watchful attention for years to come.

Accept and Appreciate Your Child’s Uniqueness

Children develop differently and have different strengths. Expecting from a child what he cannot give will only frustrate both of you. Your sister’s children may be able to sit quietly in a restaurant for hours, while yours get twitchy after just a few minutes, no matter how diligently you prepare (refer to Chapters 3 and 6 on developmentally appropriate behavior and temperament for more on this subject). If you simply accept that, you can save yourself and your children a lot of grief by waiting to have that fancy meal when you can enjoy it in adult company—or when your children have matured enough for all of you to enjoy it together.

It may help to think of yourself as a coach, helping your child to succeed and learn how to do things. You’re also an observer, learning who your child is as a unique human being. Never underestimate the ability of a young child. Watch carefully as you introduce new opportunities and activities; discover what your child is interested in, what your child can do by himself, and what he needs help learning from you.

WHAT ABOUT TIME-OUTS?

You may wonder where a common parenting tool, the time-out, fits in the Positive Discipline approach. Most parents use it (in one study, 91 percent of parents of three-year-old children admitted to doing so), but few really understand what it is or how best to use it with young children.

A positive time-out can be an extremely effective way of helping a child (and a parent) calm down enough to solve problems together. In fact, when we are upset or angry, we actually lose access to the part of the brain that allows us to think rationally and calmly, so a positive —not punitive—time-out can help everyone a great deal. A punitive time-out is past-oriented, making children suffer for what they have done and not actually encouraging them to make good decisions about what to do in the future. A positive time-out allows for cooling off until both of you can access the rational part of the brain, and it is future-oriented because when children feel encouraged, they can learn to make positive decisions about self-control and responsibility.

It may be helpful to rename the time-out, taking away the implication of punishment or restriction. You can call a positive time-out a “cool-off” or even a “feel-good place.” It is often effective to invite your child to help you create a positive time-out area, supplying this special spot with items that help your child soothe himself (soft toys, books, art supplies, a favorite blanket, etc.). Some parents and teachers believe that making a time-out area inviting and pleasant rewards children for misbehavior. Wise adults realize that all people have moments when they are too upset to get along, and a few moments in positive time-out (when it’s not shaming or punishing) provides a cooling-off period. One child care center used the cooling-off image literally to help the children see it as a positive experience when they needed to calm down. The children helped to set up a corner of the classroom with pillows and cuddly toys and named it “Antarctica.” Any child could choose to go to Antarctica to cool off when he needed to. The whimsy of this space really appealed to the children, taking away negative connotations and allowing cooling off to become a positive life skill. (Wouldn’t it be great if adults had a handy Antarctica, too?) Make sure children know they’re welcome to return from their cooling-off period when they are ready.

Here are several essential points to consider regarding time-out (or cool-off) for young children:

Time-out can be an effective and appropriate parenting tool when it is used to teach, encourage, and soothe. (For more information about time-outs, see Positive Time Out: And Over 50 Ways to Avoid Power Struggles in Homes and Classrooms by Jane Nelsen, Ed.D., Three Rivers Press, 1999.)

WHEN YOUR CHILD “DOESN’T LISTEN”

One of the most common complaints parents have about young children is the mysterious hearing loss known as “my child won’t listen.” There are many reasons why children don’t respond to adults’ instructions—few of which have anything to do with their hearing.

LET THE MESSAGE OF LOVE GET THROUGH

We often ask parents in workshops why they care about their children’s behavior. After a few moments of head scratching and blank stares, they tell us that they love their children—as though that love ought to be obvious. But is it?

You know you love your child. Gaze down at her sleeping face or watch her grin at you through a mask of chocolate ice cream, and see if you can resist the urge to hug her. But does your child know that you offer discipline, skills, and teaching because you love her?

Even the most effective nonpunitive parenting tools must be used in an atmosphere of love, of unconditional acceptance and belonging. Be sure you take time for hugs and cuddles, for smiles and loving touches. Your child will do better when she feels better, and she will feel better when she lives in a world of love and belonging.

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Children Don’t Listen Because:

• Adults yell, lecture, or nag, which does not invite listening.

• Adults don’t ask a child what she should or should not be doing, but tell her.

• Adults set up power struggles that make winning more important than cooperating.

• The child is “programmed” by her instinct toward development to explore—and the adult doesn’t want her to. The voice of a child’s instinct is usually louder than the voice of an adult.

• The child cannot comply with a request because it demands social skills or thinking skills that have not yet developed.

• Children don’t have the same priorities as adults.

• Adults don’t listen to children. bn0r5kBozKhdQBMeY1inktaep5ZMuYKQ43SQk6CFSM3cuUxh4Ay8wuP77ntgDQDy

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