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The seven months when I was on the lam during the “Culture Revolution” was much better than being in jail.Despite all the dangers of my exile and the fact that I was always hungry, I had friends everywhere who tried to protect me and take care of me.I can bear physical suffering and torture.It was the pain in the heart that I couldn’t stand.Being separated from my family, and not being able to go home was more painful than being in prison.
I escaped to avoid bloodshed, but my family bore the consequences.So did my relatives.My family had been raided on by the Rebels four times, on the pretext that they needed compensation for their effort, travel expenses, telegrams, as well as some public reserve funds.If my family didn’t pay the money, the Rebels would come to the house to steal things: tables, large wardrobes, boxes, stools, chairs and other things.When there was nothing left to take, they sealed the house.My family was left homeless.My relatives lived in worry.
My wife, in particular, had suffered so much.After I escaped, the Rebels came to my house and forced Caixian to hand me over.She was almost forced to commit suicide.Shouldering the responsibility for her young children, she endured.When the Rebels couldn’t catch me, they arrested my wife and kept her in a mud hut for more than a month.She thought that since I was not at home, she needed to work in the field to support the whole family as well as deal with all people.She tried every means to deal with the Rebels, to preserve her dignity.She was paraded through the streets more than 100 times with my name on her back.The Rebels forced her to divorce me, but Caixian would rather die than tell them where I was.She said, well, you can divorce us if you wish.Go and do it!
With her frail body, she supported our family in the disaster.For the preservation of our family, she grew and sold vegetables on the reservation, and spined, weaved, and sewed shoes at night.She tried her best to serve her in-laws and was careful to nurture and protect our children.And I, as a man, her husband, could not share the burden with her, and even could not protect her.The emotional pain I felt is indescribable.
My father and aunt, at that age, had to suffer such a shock on my behalf; my eldest son was four years old and my daughter three months old, and they had to go through such a terrible ordeal.All their suffering was because of me.My grief, as a son and as a father, is beyond words! So many years later, when I think of their suffering, I still feel sorry for them.