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HOW TO TALK TO STRANGERS
Overcoming shyness—yours and theirs
Getting started
Questions to avoid
The first rule of conversation
Body language
Is anything taboo anymore?
Whether the setting is social or professional, one of the first things to accomplish in talking to people is to put them at ease. Most of us are naturally shy, and believe me, shyness I know. A Jewish kid from Brooklyn who wears glasses knows shy. And all of us tend to be nervous or at least on edge when we’re talking to someone we haven’t met before or talking in public for the first time.
The best way I’ve found to overcome shyness is to remind yourself of the old saying that the person you’re talking to puts his pants on one leg at a time. Sure it’s a cliché, but like most clichés, it happens to be true, which, of course, is why they become clichés in the first place.
That cliché is an effective way of illustrating that we are all human beings, so just because you’re talking to a college professor with four degrees or an astronaut who has flown in space at 18,000 miles an hour or someone who has been elected governor of your state doesn’t mean you should come unglued.
Always remember this: People you’re talking to will enjoy the conversation more if they see you are presenting yourself as someone who’s enjoying it, too, whether you consider yourself their equal or not.
Keep in mind that almost all of us started out the same way. Very few of us are born to wealth and power, unless you’re a Kennedy or a Rockefeller or a member of one of a few select families. Most of us started out as children of middle- or lower-income families. We worked part-time to pay for college or while getting started in our careers. And chances are the people we’re talking to did, too. Maybe we’re not as rich and famous as they are or as successful in our field, but we probably came from similar backgrounds, so we can relate as brothers and sisters. You don’t have to stand there feeling inferior or intimidated. You belong in that room just as much as the person you’re talking to.
It also helps you to overcome your shyness if you remember that the person you’re talking to is probably just as shy as you are. Most of us are. Reminding yourself of this will do wonders for your ability to shed your own shyness.
Sometimes you meet a person who’s a lot shyer than you. I vividly remember the case of an air corps pilot who became an "ace" by shooting down more than five enemy airplanes in World War II.
There is a social organization of such pilots, called simply Aces, with chapters not only in the United States, but in Germany, Japan, Vietnam, and other countries.
All the chapters met in Miami in the late 1960s when I was hosting a nightly radio talk show on station WIOD, then an affiliate of the Mutual Broadcasting System. The Miami Herald located the only ace living in Miami, a stocks analyst who had shot down seven German planes in World War II. The paper called my producer and suggested we have him on the air. They said they would include coverage of the show in their feature story about him.
We booked the ace onto the show. He was scheduled for an hour, from eleven to midnight. The paper said it would send a reporter and a photographer.
When our guest arrived in the studio, and I shook hands with him, I noticed his hand was sweaty. I could barely hear him when he said hello. Obviously he was nervous. Nervous? Man, this guy was in no condition to fly an airplane.
After five minutes of network news, I opened the hour at 11:05 with a brief background on Aces. Then I asked my first question:
"Why did you volunteer to be a pilot?"
"I don’t know."
"Well, obviously you like flying."
"Yeah."
"Do you know why you like to fly?"
"No."
A few more questions followed, all answered by our ace in three words or less—Yes. No. I don’t know.
I look up at the clock in the studio. It’s 11:07, and I’m out of material. I have nothing left to ask this guy. He’s scared to death. I mean terrified. The Herald is embarrassed. I’m not feeling so great myself. Everyone is standing around with the same thought: What are we going to do? We have fifty minutes left. And listeners all over Miami are going to reach for the tuning knobs on their radios any second now.
Again I went with my instinct. I asked him, "If there were five enemy planes overhead and I had a plane parked behind the station, would you go up?"
"Yes."
"Would you be nervous?"
"No."
"Why are you nervous now?"
His answer was, "Because I don’t know who’s listening."
Then I asked him, "So your fear is of the unknown."
We stopped talking about his air corps days and started talking about fear. His nervousness disappeared. In fact, within ten minutes I had created a monster. Talk about flying? No problem. He’s saying with great enthusiasm, "I penetrated the clouds with my plane! I banked sharply to my right! The sun glistened on my wing tip ..."
They had to carry him out at midnight. He was still talking.
The World War II ace became a good talker because he was able to overcome his fear once he got caught up in the moment and became accustomed to the sound of his voice. At the beginning we were talking about his past, and he didn’t know what I was going to ask him. He didn’t know what lay ahead in the interview, so he was scared.
But when we started talking about the present, there wasn’t anything for him to be scared about. He was talk - ing about what was going on in the studio at the moment, explaining how he felt. As he did that, the nervousness left him and his confidence returned to its normal level. When I could see that, I was able to get him to talk about the past.
You can use the same technique in breaking the ice with someone you’re talking to for the first time. How? Simple—get them on comfortable ground. Ask them about themselves. That will give you something to talk about, and your conversation partner will consider you a fascinating talker. Why? Because people love to be talked to about themselves.
Don’t take my word for it. The same advice comes from Benjamin Disraeli, British novelist, statesman, and prime minister: "Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours."