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I am thrilled that Positive Discipline has been in print for twenty-five years and is now considered a classic. I am even more thrilled that I have heard from so many parents and teachers about how much it has improved their lives in homes and classrooms. The following two comments are representative of the hundreds I have heard: “After twenty-five years, I was ready to get out of teaching. Kids have changed so much. However, Positive Discipline helped me adjust to and work with the changes and I now enjoy teaching again.” “My kids aren’t perfect, and neither am I, but I sure do enjoy parenting now.”
So, you may wonder, with this kind of success, why would I want to make any changes? Doesn’t it make sense that I would learn even more over the past twenty-five years? I have been fortunate to work with thousands of parents and teachers during workshops and lectures. They have shared their successes and their struggles. I have learned what worked, what needed some fine-tuning, what needed more emphasis, and some new ideas that needed to be included.
In the very first chapter you will be introduced to the Four Criteria for Effective Discipline. Parents and teachers have found these criteria helpful to understand the different approaches to discipline and what makes sense for long-lasting, positive effects for children. The four criteria help them eliminate discipline practices that are not respectful to children and are not effective in the long term.
I sometimes wonder if the battle between punishment and permissiveness will go on forever. It seems that many think in terms of these two extremes. People who think punishment is valid usually do so because they think that the only alternative is permissiveness. People who don’t believe in punishment often go to the other extreme and become too permissive. Positive Discipline helps adults find a respectful middle ground that is neither punitive nor permissive. Positive Discipline advocates tools that are both kind and firm and that teach valuable social and life skills.
In this edition you will find an increased emphasis on the importance of being kind and firm at the same time. Parents and teachers still seem to struggle with this concept. Part of the reason is thinking in terms of either/or. I have found it helpful to use the analogy of breathing. What would happen if we breathed in but not out—or out, but not in? The answer is obvious. Being either kind or firm isn’t a matter of life or death, but being kind and firm can make the difference between success and failure. It also helps to know that being kind can offset all the problems of being too firm (rebellion, resentment, damaged self-esteem), and that being firm can offset all the problems of being too kind (permissiveness, manipulation, spoiled brats, damaged self-esteem) when you are both kind and firm at the same time.
I have shared more about using Positive Time-out as a life skill that is effective for both adults and children. Parents and children find it helpful and humorous to remember that, during times of conflict, we revert to our reptilian brains (and reptiles eat their young), where the only option is fight (power struggles) or flight (withdrawal and poor communication). All the more reason to take some Positive Time-out until we feel better and can then solve problems based on closeness and trust instead of distance and hostility.
Sometimes it is easier to be both kind and firm at the same time “after” calming down, apologizing, and then using a Positive Discipline tool. For this reason I have included more emphasis on the importance of the kind of Positive Time-out that helps children and adults feel better so they can do better.
Speaking of Positive Time-out, many adults struggle with the idea of making time-out a positive experience. They mistakenly believe that it is “rewarding” the misbehavior. However, when they truly understand the long-term effects of punishment and the reptilian brain, they see the benefits of Positive Time-out.
Focusing on solutions is a major theme of this edition. For years I was discouraged as I kept hearing about the focus on logical consequences. It seemed that parents and teachers thought there were only two discipline tools to use: logical consequences and time-out. Time-out was always the “punitive” kind, and logical consequences were usually poorly disguised punishments. Adults really struggle with giving up punishment.
One of my most popular statements is, “Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse.” When confronted with this idea, parents and teachers can see that it really is a crazy idea, yet when confronted with misbehavior, they slide into old punishment habits.
Focusing on solutions came as an epiphany for me. I was visiting a class meeting where the kids were focusing on a “consequence” for a student who was tardy from recess. I noticed that all their suggested “consequences” were punitive. I called for a time-out and asked, “What do you think would happen if you focused on solutions to this problem instead of consequences?” The kids “got it” right away. From then on, all of their suggestions were helpful solutions. I started sharing the idea of focusing on solutions with parents and teachers and would later hear that they were amazed at how much power struggles diminished in their homes and classrooms.
Another change you’ll find in this book is my emphasis on adult responsibility for many behavior problems. Before I say any more, I want to share that my biggest hesitation in writing about this was that I didn’t want it to sound in any way like blame—just awareness and responsibility. That said, I kept noticing that many of the behavior challenges parents and teachers felt frustrated about could be changed if the adults changed first. Frankly, I got tired of always hearing complaints from adults about what the child did.
I started asking, as gently as possible, what the adults did to help create the problem. It seemed to me that some “misbehaviors” were “set up” by adults. One example was how many children “rebelled” when parents and teachers made demands. These same children might be very cooperative if the adults in their lives involved them in solutions during family or class meetings, or helped them create routine charts and then asked, “What was our agreement?” or “What do you need to be doing now?” Of course this won’t work in every situation; that is why there are so many different Positive Discipline tools.
“Personality: How Yours Affects Theirs” is a new chapter that helps adults understand what they invite from children—both assets and liabilities—from their own personalities. Many adults are not aware of the personalities they formed based on decisions they made as children that now affect their children. The information in this chapter can be a fun way to learn how to overcome behaviors that invite poor decisions as children form their personalities. Again, this information should never be used to place blame, labels, or judgments. Awareness is the key to change.
There have been many changes in parenting over the past twenty-five years. A huge change is that more fathers now attend my lectures and workshops—and are much more engaged in the parenting role. Some of the changes (such as materialism and “superparenting”) can be remedied if parents pay close attention to some of the suggestions that have always been in Positive Discipline , such as how damaging it is to children when adults do too much for them, overprotect them, rescue them, don’t spend enough time with them, purchase too many things for their children, do homework for their children, nag, demand, bawl out, and then bail out.
The foundation for healthy self-esteem is the development by children of the belief “I am capable.” Children don’t develop this belief when parents do any of these things. Nor do they develop the skills that help them feel capable when they are always told what to do without the experience of focusing on solutions where they are respectfully involved and can practice the skills parents hope they will develop.
Family meetings and class meetings have become more popular, yet we have a long way to go. It is during these meetings that children have the opportunity to develop all of the Significant Seven Perceptions and Skills mentioned in chapter one, yet too many parents and teachers seem to think that children can develop them without any experience or practice.
Recently I was interviewed for a magazine article by an editor who thought that most people today know that punishment doesn’t work with children. I only wish that were true. Until it is true, there is much to be done. It is still my dream to create peace in the world through peace in homes and classrooms. When we treat children with dignity and respect, and teach them valuable life skills for good character, they will spread peace in the world.
Some books on discipline are written for parents. Others are written for teachers. This book is written for both because:
Positive Discipline principles can be compared to a puzzle with many concepts (pieces). It is difficult to see the whole picture until you have all or most of the pieces. Sometimes one concept does not make sense until you combine it with another concept or attitude.
Understanding the Four Goals of Misbehavior
Kindness and Firmness at the Same Time
Mutual Respect
Mistakes as Opportunities to Learn
Social Responsibility
Family and Class Meetings
Involving Children in Problem Solving
Encouragement
When something isn’t working, check to see if one of these pieces is missing. For example, problem solving may not be effective if adults or children do not understand that mistakes are opportunities to learn. Family or class meetings may not be effective until people have learned mutual respect and social responsibility. Too much kindness without firmness may become permissiveness, and too much firmness without kindness may become excessive strictness. Sometimes we have to stop dealing with the misbehavior and heal the relationship first. Often the healing involves encouragement that removes the motivation for misbehavior without dealing directly with the misbehavior. Encouragement may not seem to work until adults understand the belief behind the behavior by understanding the mistaken goals.
Throughout this book examples are given of how Positive Discipline principles have been used effectively in homes and schools. Once you understand the principles, your common sense and intuition will enable you to apply them in your own life. Thousands of parents and teachers have supported one another in learning Positive Discipline concepts through parent and/or teacher study groups. In these study groups no one is the expert, everyone feels free to share their mistakes, and they help one another learn. We all know how easy it is to see solutions to the problems of others—then we have perspective, objectivity, and creative ideas. With our own problems we often become emotionally involved and lose all perspective and common sense. In study groups parents and teachers learn they are not alone, that no one is perfect and everyone has similar concerns. The universal reaction of parents and teachers who attend study groups is, “What a relief to know I’m not the only one who is experiencing frustration!” It is comforting to know that others are in the same boat.
In study groups, group facilitators make it clear that they are not experts. Groups are much more effective if no one assumes the role of an expert. A group leader or coleaders take responsibility for asking the questions and keeping the group on task, not for providing the answers. If no one in the group knows the answer to a question, allow time to find it in the book Positive Discipline .
The appendixes offer some guidelines for successful group facilitation. A group may consist of as few as two people or as many as ten. If the group gets larger than that, there is less opportunity for individual involvement. The responsibility of group members is to read the chapters, be prepared to discuss the questions, and cooperate with the leaders by staying on task. If a group member has not found time to read the assigned chapter, he or she can nevertheless benefit from listening to the discussion and participating in experiential activities.
It is not necessary to accept all the principles at once. Use only what makes sense to you at the time. And if you hear something that does not seem right to you, don’t throw out the baby with the bathwater. Some concepts that seem difficult to accept or understand now might make more sense later. One group member said that she tried some of the principles on her son, just to prove that they were wrong, and was surprised to see the positive change in their relationship. She later became a parent study group leader because she wanted to share these concepts that had helped her so much.
It is helpful to have patience with yourself and with your children as you try to change old habits. As your understanding of the underlying principles deepens, practical application becomes easier. Patience, humor, and forgiveness enhance your learning process.
One more word of caution: Try only one new method at a time. You will be learning many new concepts and skills that will take practice for successful application. It can be confusing and discouraging to expect too much of yourself. Apply one method at a time and move ahead slowly, remembering to see mistakes as opportunities to learn.
Many parents and teachers have found that even though their children don’t become perfect, they enjoy them much more after applying these concepts and attitudes. This is my wish for you.