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Positive Discipline is based on the philosophy and teachings of Alfred Adler and Rudolf Dreikurs. I was not privileged to study under either of these great men, but I would like to acknowledge the people who introduced me to the Adlerian approach. It has changed my life and greatly improved my relationships with children at home and in the classroom.
I am the mother of seven children, and grandmother of eighteen (as of 2006). Many years ago, when I had only five children, including two teenagers, I was frustrated by the same child-rearing problems experienced by so many parents today. I did not know how to get my children to stop fighting with one another, to pick up their toys, or to complete the chores they had promised to do. I had problems getting them to bed at night—and then getting them up in the morning. They didn’t want to get into the tub—and then didn’t want to get out.
Mornings were miserable, for it seemed impossible to get them off to school without constant reminders and irritating hassles. After school was a continuation of battles over homework and chores. My “bag of tricks” included threatening, yelling, and spanking. These methods felt terrible to me and to my children—and they didn’t work. I was threatening, yelling, and spanking for the same misbehaviors over and over again. This became clear to me one day as I heard myself repeating, “I’ve told you a hundred times to pick up your toys.” It suddenly dawned on me who the real “dummy” was—and it wasn’t my children. How ridiculous that it took me one hundred times to realize that my approach wasn’t working! And how frustrating because I didn’t know what else to do.
Compounding my dilemma was my status as a senior in college, majoring in child development. I was reading many wonderful books that expounded the many fantastic things I should be accomplishing with my children, but none of them explained how to achieve these lofty goals. Imagine my relief when, on the first day of a new class, I heard that we were not going to learn many new theories, but would thoroughly investigate the Adlerian approach, including skills for practical application to help children stop misbehaving—and to teach them self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation, and problem-solving skills.
To my delight, it worked. I was able to reduce fighting among my children by at least 80 percent. I learned to eliminate morning and bedtime hassles and to achieve much greater cooperation in the completion of chores. The most important change was that I found that I enjoyed being a mother—most of the time.
I was so enthusiastic that I wanted to share these ideas with others. My first opportunity was with a group of parents of educationally, physically, and mentally challenged children. At first the parents of these children were reluctant to try these methods. They were afraid that their children would not be able to learn self-discipline and cooperation. Many parents of challenged children do not understand how clever all children can be at manipulation. The parents in this group soon learned how disrespectful they were being to their children by pampering them rather than helping them develop their full potential.
I was subsequently employed as a counselor in the Elk Grove Unified School District in Elk Grove, California, where many parents, teachers, psychologists, and administrators were supportive of Adlerian concepts to increase effectiveness with children at home and in the classroom. I am especially grateful to Dr. John Platt, psychologist, whom I adopted as my mentor. He taught me a great deal.
Dr. Don Larson, assistant superintendent, and Dr. Platt were responsible for obtaining a Title IV-C grant and received federal funding to develop an Adlerian counseling program. I was fortunate to be chosen as the director of this program. During the three years of developmental funding, the program was so effective in teaching parents and teachers to help children change their misbehavior that the program achieved recognition as an exemplary project and received a three-year grant for dissemination to school districts in California. We adopted the name Project ACCEPT (Adlerian Counseling Concepts for Encouraging Parents and Teachers). Through this experience I had the opportunity to share Adlerian concepts with thousands of parents and teachers. It was exciting to hear them share their stories of how they used the skills they had learned in the Project ACCEPT training workshops. I learned more than I taught. I gratefully acknowledge those who gave me permission to share their examples with others.
Special thanks go to Frank Meder for his contributions in the area of class meetings. He was able to grasp and implement an important principle—that freedom is impossible in a social environment without equal emphasis on order.
Acknowledgment and sincere appreciation go to those who worked as paraprofessionals for Project ACCEPT. Judi Dixon, Susan Doherty, George Montgomery, Ann Platt, Barbara Smailey, Marjorie Spiak, and Vicky Zirkle worked tirelessly as leaders of parent study groups while organizing and developing materials used in the project. They all shared many examples of the effectiveness of the principles with their own families and the families with whom they worked.
Lynn Lott is the special friend and colleague who helped me get back on track when one of my children experimented with drugs. I was ready to stop using Positive Discipline concepts and instead use control and punishment. I attended a workshop she facilitated on working with teenagers at a NASAP (North American Society of Adlerian Psychology) convention and knew immediately that she could get me back on track. I asked her to write a book with me because I have learned that if I can make something work for me, then it is worth sharing with others. We have since written four books together, and she has had considerable influence on my growth and development of Positive Discipline concepts.
My children have always been sources of inspiration, opportunity, and love. I refer to them as my before, during, and after children. Terry and Jim were already teenagers when I learned about these concepts. Kenny, Bradley, and Lisa were seven, five, and three, respectively. Mark and Mary were born after I had been teaching parent study groups for a while. They have been the inspiration for many opportunities to keep learning, and taught me over and over that the only time I thought I was an expert was before I had children.
The greatest benefit of all has come from the understanding of principles and skills that increase mutual respect, cooperation, enjoyment, and love. Every time I stray from the concepts taught in this book, I create a mess. The positive aspect of that is that all I have to do is go back to the methods and skills and I can not only clean up the mess, but can make things better than they were before. Mistakes truly are wonderful opportunities to learn.
Over the years I have been blessed to have many people come into my life because of their love for Positive Discipline. The Positive Discipline Association ( www.posdis.org ), a nonprofit organization, has been formed for the training of Certified Positive Discipline Associates, research, workshops, scholarships, demonstrations, schools, and quality assurance. It would take many pages to list all the people who have been responsible for creating this organization, so I won’t do that. However, I do want them to know how much I love and appreciate them.
I would like to thank Jody McVittie, M.D., Mike Shannon, M.D., and Marti Monroe, Ph.D., for taking the time to read this third edition and giving many valuable suggestions.
Johanna Bowman, my Ballantine project editor, was fabulous to work with. After thinking I had made as much improvement as I could, Johanna pointed out details and made suggestions that improved this edition even further. Thanks, Johanna.