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Advice... is a habit-forming drug. You give a dear friend a bit of advice today, and next week you find yourself advising two or three friends, and the week after, a dozen, and the week following, crowds!
—CAROLYN WELLS
Ask for advice only when you are open to it, not when you already know the “advice” you want to receive. That isn’t fair to the person who spends time on a response. In addition, you may be unpleasantly surprised.
If you are the advice-giver, respond only to the issues raised by the other person; don’t venture further afield.
If you have not been asked for advice, you are on shaky ground to volunteer it. “It is well enough when one is talking to a friend to hedge in an odd word by way of counsel now and then, but there is something mighty irksome, in its staring upon one in a letter where one ought only to see kind words and friendly remembrances.” (Mary Lamb)
In general, give advice only when you have been sincerely asked for it.
• asking for/requesting
• giving unsolicited
• offering suggestions
• rejecting
• responding to request for
• thanking for
• To ask for advice, briefly outline the issue. Tell what you expect from the other person and perhaps why you chose them in this situation. If you need the advice by a deadline, say so. Reassure them that they are not obliged to respond. Thank them for being available to you.
• To give advice, begin by rephrasing the other person’s request (“You asked my advice about your college plans”) or by explaining why you are writing (something came across your desk you thought might be of interest, or you had an idea that might be useful). State your opinion, advice, or suggestion. Explain your reasoning, if necessary. Tell what, if any, action you think the person might take. Include a disclaimer: “this is only my opinion,” “I know you will use your own good judgment,” “just an idea...” Finally, assure your reader of your confidence that they will make a good decision, deal with the situation, succeed at any task.
• To thank someone for advice, express your gratitude as you would for any gift, but tell how the advice was useful to you. If you didn’t take the advice, thank the person for their time, effort, and concern. When you receive inappropriate or unwanted advice, assume—for politeness’ sake—that they meant well and acknowledge their attention.
• Don’t over-explain. Outline your suggestion or course of action in a few sentences. “Whatever advice you give, be short.” (Horace) Brevity is difficult in a letter giving advice. We are tempted to offer all the wisdom accumulated over a lifetime. Resist. After writing your letter, delete half of it. The person who wants to know more will ask.
• Avoid “should” as in “I think you should...” No one can say what anyone else “should” or “ought to” do. Find a more flexible way of phrasing your suggestion.
• Don’t imply that you’ve found the one, correct answer. Offer instead alternatives, possibilities, fresh approaches.
• When giving advice, use tact, tact, and more tact. Read your letter as though it had been sent to you. How does it make you feel? Have someone read it to make sure it isn’t abrasive or patronizing. “Advice is like snow; the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper it sinks into the mind.” (Samuel Taylor Coleridge)
• Start with a compliment or upbeat remark to frame your advice in a positive context.
• When possible, attribute the advice to someone else. Especially when your advice is unsolicited, consider getting another person to offer the advice you want to give. Advice that is unwelcome from a parent is often accepted from a third party. Advice from a superior may be better received from a colleague—or vice versa.
• Be specific. “Get a grip!” or “Shape up!” or “Try harder!” is not advice. Mignon McLaughlin wrote: “ ‘Pull yourself together’ is seldom said to anyone who can.” When possible, include names and telephone numbers of resources, costs of what you’re recommending, clear-cut steps to the goal.
• When giving unsolicited advice, be respectful and low-key, mildly suggesting that this is something the person might want to think about. In this instance, passive voice or indirect phrasing is useful (“If the loans could be consolidated” instead of “If you would consolidate your loans”). An intermediate step might be to write, “I noticed that...” or “Do you need any help?” and, without giving advice then and there, indicate that you are willing to do so.
• Letters giving professional advice (a lawyer advising a client, a doctor outlining a program of patient health care, a teacher suggesting tests for a child) is written much more carefully than most advice letters. The advice must be professionally defensible and might include references or sources for the advice. Keep copies of the letter (and sometimes send them to third parties). On occasion, another person’s opinion may be needed to reinforce the advice and protect yourself. Ours is a litigious society; good Samaritans enjoy no protection under the law for their helpful works and intentions.
• If you request advice about investing money or about a situation with significant consequences, emphasize that the other person will not be held responsible for the outcome. With a written absolution, the recipient might feel easier about giving advice. You get what you pay for, however, and you might be better off seeing a professional (financial counselor, psychologist, lawyer, realtor).
• If your first letter of advice is ignored or poorly received, let it be your last letter of advice to that person. “The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it, to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not, and never persist in trying to set people right.” (Hannah Whitall Smith)
• Don’t give advice warning against individuals, companies, or products; you could create legal problems for yourself. It’s generally not a problem to recommend a person or an organization although, if you are a public figure, you might get asked pretty smartly to explain why you didn’t mention certain others.
• Use letterhead stationery to write a business associate outside the firm, memo paper or letterhead to write someone inside the firm, and informal stationery for social relationships.
• The choice of a handwritten or typewritten letter of advice can set the tone of your letter. A handwritten note to an employee might be perceived as too personal and a bit apologetic, where the typewritten message appears objective and matter-of-fact. On the other hand, writing a personal note in some sensitive business situations indicates that you are writing as a friend as well as a customer, client, or supervisor.
WORDS
PHRASES
SENTENCES
Although I liked what you wrote about switching your major from Physics to Astronomy, I have a suggestion you might want to consider.
Do you have any advice about how I can raise morale in the Accounting Department?
Ever since you asked my opinion about the Middlemarch line, I’ve been mulling over the situation, weighing the benefits against the rather considerable cost.
I don’t usually give unsolicited advice, but this seems to me to be a special case.
I hope this is the sort of advice you wanted.
I’m considering a switch from the technical to the management ladder—do you have any wise, helpful words for me?
I’m writing to you for advice.
I thought I should mention this.
I took your excellent advice and I’m grateful.
I will appreciate any comments or advice you’d care to give.
I would be grateful for your frank opinion about our registering Jermyn for kindergarten this year (he won’t be five yet) instead of waiting another year.
I wouldn’t ordinarily presume to tell you your business, but I’m concerned.
Thank you for your unerring advice about our hot rolling equipment—we’re back on schedule.
There is one thing you might want to consider.
We are unable to take your advice just now, but we’re grateful to you for thinking of us.
Would you be willing to tell me quite frankly and confidentially what you think about my interpersonal skills?
You asked for my opinion about switching service providers—here it is. You must, of course, use your own judgment, but I would suggest this.
Your counsel and advice have meant a great deal to me.
Your idea is excellent and I may regret not going that route, but I’m going to try something else first.
You were kind enough to ask my advice about the Hexam-Riderhood merger—this is what I think.
PARAGRAPHS
You asked what I thought of the new store hours. They are certainly more convenient for customers and will bring us the early evening business that can make a difference in our year-end numbers. However, I wonder if it is profitable to stay open so late on Saturday evenings. Could we keep a record of Saturday evening sales for a month?
We suggest that, instead of external motors and vacuum seals around the driveshafts, you install internal, pancake motors to handle the required tension ranges. Let us know if this takes care of the problem.
You might want to hire an investment banking firm to help with your financial restructuring. Such a firm can assist you in exploring strategic alternatives to rebuild your liquidity and improve value for shareholders.
Have you noticed that the newsletter is not carrying its own weight? I wonder if we ought to continue to subsidize it. I suggest we put it on a subscription basis. This will also oblige it to become more responsive to readers, one of the current complaints being that it isn’t. If it can’t survive on the income from subscriptions, I question its usefulness.
I would like to suggest that you examine the issue of cooperation versus competition in the school environment. In the three years our children have been students here, I’ve noticed the school is strongly oriented toward competition, with little value assigned to cooperative learning, cooperative sports, and cooperative activities. I’m enclosing several reports and studies on this issue. May I stop in and speak with you about this next week?
I’m flattered that you want my advice on choosing a college. However, you seem interested in the eastern colleges, and I know little about them. I wonder if you wouldn’t want to talk to Ling Ch’ung, who in fact is quite knowledgeable about many of them.
Thanks so much for your advice on the hip roof and preparing for the building inspector. I doubt if she would have given me the building permit the way I was going about things!
I’m grateful to you for the time you took to outline a solution to our current problem. We are interested in your ideas. However, we just started working on another approach last Thursday and I’m going to wait and see how that develops. I’ll let you know if we are later able to consider your plan. In the meantime, thanks for your helpful suggestions.
SAMPLE LETTERS
Dear Mr. Brimblecombe:
I was present at the Music Educators’ Conference when your elementary school jazz band performed. I was impressed to hear that out of a school population of 640, you have 580 students in your instrumental music program. This is unusual, as I’m sure you know.
Do you have any advice for other elementary music directors trying to increase the number of student musicians? If you do not have the time to respond by letter, perhaps you could indicate on the enclosed postcard a time and date when I could call you long-distance. I’d appreciate any tips you might have.
Gratefully,
——
Dear Walter,
I hope you will forgive this unasked-for intrusion into your business affairs, but I felt I would be less than a friend if I didn’t say something after visiting one of your gift shops last week (the one on Lewis Street).
I was surprised to see the china jumbled together on the shelves, the collector’s dolls looking dusty and wrinkled, and some of the figurines chipped and dirty. This hasn’t seemed to hurt business—customers were lined up at both counters when I was there—but over the long term it might be unfortunate. I just wondered if you were aware of the situation.
With best wishes,
——
Dear Tony,
As one of our most aggressive sales representatives, you have an enviable record and I expect you will be up for an award at the end of the year. The flip side of this aggressiveness is, unfortunately, a certain abrasive attitude that has been reported by several customers.
I’d like to suggest two things. One, come in and talk this over with me. I can give you some idea of how people are responding to you and why it’s a problem over the long term if not the short term. Two, spend a day or two with Tom Jerningham. He has a manner that is effective without being too insistent.
Let me hear from you.
Sincerely,
——
Dear Shreve,
We are both proud of how well you’re doing in college—your grades, your job, your friends. I think we’ve told you often how much we love you and admire the way you handle things. BUT... (did you know there was a “but” coming?) we are extremely concerned about one new thing in your life: cigarettes. Will you please think about what it will mean if you let this habit take hold?
I’m enclosing some literature on the subject.
We won’t nag you about this, but we had to speak up strongly at least once and say that, based on our experience, knowledge, and love for you, this is not a good choice.
Love,
——
Dear Marion and Leopold,
Thanks so much for driving all the way into the city just to look over the situation with the house. The decision whether to repaint or put on all new siding was really getting us down. Your advice was excellent, and we feel good about our decision. It was also wonderful to see you again!
Love,
——
Dear Hazel,
I appreciate your concern, and I am sure you have good reasons for feeling that we ought to move as soon as possible. However, after careful consideration of your proposal, I have decided that the situation is fairly stable at present and we should stay put.
Let me know if you have further information that would affect this decision.
Yours truly,
——
Dear Uncle Thorkell,
Thank you for your letter. I appreciated your advice about my earrings. I know it doesn’t seem “manly” to you, but my friends and I like earrings. I’m coming home at the end of the month for a visit, and I don’t want you to be disappointed when you see that I still have them. Although I am grateful for your concern, I am going to keep wearing earrings. I hope this won’t hurt our good relationship.
Love,
——
See also: EMPLOYMENT, INSTRUCTIONS, REFUSALS, REQUESTS, SENSITIVE, THANK YOU