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教育类范文一
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate become more useful adults. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.
一些人认为应该鼓励孩子的竞争意识。另一些人则认为，教孩子学会合作能使他们成长为更有用的人。请讨论这两种观点并给出你的看法。
【 说明 】
下面这篇作文是剑桥官方提供的一篇“原生态”6分essay。之所以把本文当成全书第一篇“范文”，是因为它实实在在地让我想起了自己批改过的大量中国同学的文章，无论是文风还是犯的错误简直都是一样儿一样儿的
。
如果本文能让您初步了解自己的写作水平目前正处在何种位置上，这将是一个好的开始。
Nowadays, purpose of education being changed（谓语动词无端地被丢失，在being的前面需要加上is才对）. There are some people who think that competition in children should be made（在本句里be made的含义过于general, 如果改用含义更具体的be encouraged被鼓励，be promoted被促进，或者be fostered被培养，则能让论证变得更实际）. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate as well as become more useful adults. There are advantages and disadvantages for both of the arguements（很生硬的套句，而且还犯了低级拼写错误，ar-guements应该改为arguments，哥连背模板都背错了）。
To begin with, what is good if a sense of competition in children is made？They can devalope（初二单词也拼错，真该打手板）themselves more and more as they learn and study a lot to win from the competition. To prove this, in my country it is popular and common to have a tutor who come to students' house to teach extra pieces of studywith paying a lot of money（不恰当地使用with结构，导致本句后部的逻辑相当凌乱）. They learn faster than what they learn at school.Furthermore, during the vacation , students study abroad to learn English for a month. If they have experiments such as study abroad（这里用such as举出的例子可不太像话：study abroad出国读书怎么能当成have experiments“实验”的例子呢？难道是真的把孩子们都当“烤鸭”了？）, it is one of the greatest plus point to go to the famous well-known（famous和well-known两个词词义重复，堆砌词汇的意图明显）high school. Moreover, there are four big school exam（four exam… 汗，哥已经彻底不管单复数了）totest students' level of studies. Generally, only the highest 40% can go to the good quality high schools and colleges. Children learn as much as they can, to win the competition to obtain good quality schools.
On the other hand, as they are busy to enter the schools and study with their own tu-tors, there are problems. They become selfish（这个selfish用得是比较准的，但整个句子加起来才三个单词，语气更像是在控诉地主婆儿）. They become careless and don't help others a lot if it is about studies. There will be no cooperation for them. Then, why are there companies for many people to work in？Each of them are clever，however, there are weak parts and strong parts（这两个词组都比较口语化，英文写作中指一个人的长项与弱项时通常会使用短语strengths and weaknesses来代替）for each person. To cooperate is to improve this part. People talk and listen to what others thinking of（由what引导的从句里面的谓语应该用动词形式，所以要把thinking of改为think of才对）and learn. That can also be a great opportunity to learn instead oflearning alone with one teacher.
In conclusion, I strongly agree with（agree with本身是一个正确的搭配，但是在地道英语里当agree的后面是一个that从句时，则应该省略with）that children should be taught to cooperate rather than compete. Nobody is perfect. People learn together, work together to help each other. I want parents and teachers to（提出建议时惯用want是雅思考生中经典的用词不当，只有校长或者教育局长等这类人才能want teachers to… ）educate children concentrating on cooperation, not compete and ranking them（在最后一刻拼尽全力甩出了几个不错的短语，但语法形式已经彻底混乱，毫无rules可言）。
剑桥对这篇6分考生作文的官方评语
论证扣题度和充实度
Although the answer considers the main issues in the question，it deals much more with the aspect of “competition”than it does with “cooperation”. Some of the supporting examples are overdeveloped and divert the reader away from the argument. However，the main points are relevant and the writer's point of view is generally clear.
本文考虑了题目所涉及到的主要问题，论点是与题目相关的，而且考生的态度整体上较为清晰。但本题是一道Discuss both views and give your own opinion.（D & G类型）的考题，考官相应指出：文章里的绝大多数论证都是围绕competition展开的，甚至在讨论cooperation的一段里仍然有近半内容是在讨论competition，而且一些展开的例子局部偏离了讨论话题，因此降低了在论证扣题度与充实度部分获得的分数。
行文连贯性与衔接效果
The argument has a logical progression and there is some good use of linking expressions，though the use of rhetorical questions to signal topic changes is not very skilful. There are also examples of overusing markers，and of errors in referencing.
文章的论证过程整体上符合逻辑，也较好地应用了一些连接词和连接短语。但文章里用反诘提问（rhetorical questions）过渡话题的形式显得较为稚嫩，局部还存在过度堆砌连接标志词的倾向，并且含有指代不清的错误。
词汇多样性与准确度
The candidate tries to use a range of language，but there are regular errors in word choice and word form，and this occasionally causes problems for the reader.
可以看出该考生很希望让用词多样化，但是在用词选择与词形等方面却频频出错，导致考官在阅卷时遇到了一些理解上的困难。
语法多样性和准确度
Similarly，a range of structures is attempted，but not always with good control of punctuation or grammar. However，the meaning is generally clear.
该考生也尝试使用了一些语法结构，意义比较明确，但是在语法与标点等方面的准确度还有待提高。
Pat 评析
客观来说，这篇文章写得并不好，有很多低级错误，给阅卷人以步步惊心的感觉，甚至已经到了只要遇到略长一点的句子就一定能发现用词或语法错误的地步。
（也许）全文唯一的亮点是哥在主体段里勇敢地深入挖掘了几个生活实例。但可惜的是，正如官方评语里指出的：The supporting examples are overdeveloped and divert（转向）the reader away from the argument. 也就是说：例证虽好，但本文中的例子发掘得“过于”深入了，而且还出现了局部跑题，从而导致考官发飙。
本文里可能会引起争议的一点是文中所出现的一些结构连接表达（linking expressions）到底是否应该用。值得我们注意的是：剑桥官方评语中明显并不认为本文里的这些表达是扣分点（考官评语里明确指出：There is some
good use of linking expressions
in this essay.）。在考官眼中，正是一些准确应用的linking expressions才帮助这位基础薄弱的考生避免了论证完全失控的局面，在一定程度上扭转了滑向更低分数档的败局。
在由剑桥官方给出的6～7分范文评语里都强调了正确使用连接词/连接短语对行文衔接所起的作用。而在剑桥给出的7分以上范文里，官方评分标准则更重视对于“明连接”（
直接用连接词
来连接上下文）和“暗承接”（
不直接使用连接词
、
而是依靠上下文语义之间的自然承接关系来承接上下文
）这两类行文衔接方法的
配合
使用，而不是仅仅依靠“明连接”或者只用“暗承接”
。这也正是为什么7分以上的范文读起来会感觉行文更流畅、而且句子之间的关系更加多样的重要原因之一
。
本文的对比范文请看今天的第17篇范文。
语法多样性分析
地道英语中特殊句式涉及的理论知识与术语解释请参阅本书的姐妹篇
《十天突破雅思写作》Day 4
◆ To cooperate is to improve this part. People talk and listen to what others thinking of and learn. That can also be a great opportunity to learn instead of learning alone with one teacher. 在这篇不算出色的文章里，这3句话逆天地打出了一个“小高潮”。虽然没能逃脱存在语法错误的命运（例如what others thinking of应该改为what others think of），但这位考生还是尽力写出了用what引导的宾语从句、在instead of后接动名词短语等比较有特色的语法结构。6分档作文的明显特点就是全文始终在语言和表意之间激烈地挣扎，努力想表达更复杂的意思，但却力不从心，一下笔就出现众多失误。同时，这三句话还采用了长短句结合的形式，构成了有变化的节奏感。但是考虑到本文的其他句子普遍都比较生硬，因此这种多变的长短句配合效果很可能是“一不小心”写出来的。
本文量化评分
