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By Elizabeth Bernstein
Nagging the interaction in which one person repeatedly makes a request, the other person repeatedly ignores it and both become increasingly annoyed is an issue every couple will grapple with at some point. While the word itself can provoke chuckles and eye-rolling, the dynamic can potentially be as dangerous to a marriage as adultery or bad finances. Experts say it is exactly the type of toxic communication that can eventually sink a relationship.
Why do we nag?“We have a perception that we won't get what we want from the other person, so we feel we need to keep asking in order to get it,”says Scott Wetzler, a psychologist and vice chairman of the Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences at Montefiore Medical Center in New York. It is a vicious circle: The naggee tires of the badgering and starts to withhold, which makes the nagger nag more.
It is possible for husbands to nag, and wives to resent them for nagging. But women are more likely to nag, experts say, largely because they are conditioned to feel more responsible for managing home and family life. And they tend to be more sensitive to early signs of problems in a relationship. When women ask for something and don't get a response, they are quicker to realize something is wrong. The problem is that by asking repeatedly, they make things worse.
Men are to blame, too, because they don't always give a clear answer. Sure, a husband might tune his wife out because he is annoyed; nagging can make him feel like a little boy being scolded by his mother. But many times he doesn't respond because he doesn't know the answer yet, or he knows the answer will disappoint her.
The first step in curbing the nagging cycle, experts say, is to admit that you are stuck in a bad pattern. You are fighting about fighting. You need to work to understand what makes the other person tick. Rather than lazy and unloving, is your husband overworked and tired? Is your wife really suggesting she doesn't trust you? Or is she just trying to keep track of too many chores?
Calm down both of you. Recognize the pattern you are in and talk about how to address it as a team. You will both need to change your behavior, and ground rules can help.
Look at it from the other person's perspective.“Honey, when you ignore me I feel that you don't love me.”“I feel that you don't appreciate what I am already doing when you nag me.”
If you are the nagger, realize you are asking for something. Use an“I”not a“you”statement. Say“I would really like you to pay the Visa bill on time,”instead of“You never pay the bill on time.”
Explain why your request is important to you.“I worry about our finances when you pay the bill late. We can't afford to pay late fees.”
Manage your expectations. Make sure you are asking for something that is realistic and appropriate. Does the light bulb need to be changed immediately?
Set a timeframe. Ask when your partner can expect to finish the task. (“Can you change the car oil this weekend?”)Let him tell you when it works best for him to do it.
If you are the naggee, give a clear response to your partner's request. Tell her honestly if you can do what she asks and when. Then follow through. Do what you say you will do.
Consider alternative solutions. Maybe it's worth it to hire a handyman, rather than harm your relationship with arguing.
续表
续表
1. What issues do couples often grapple with?
2. What's the cause of nagging?
3. Why do women tend to nag more?
4. What are the steps to stop the nagging cycle?
1. 尽管说话本身可以引人发笑或翻白眼，但是这个动态的过程对婚姻而言存在现实的危险，跟通奸或糟糕的经济情况一样危险。
2. 专家们说正是这种恶性交流最终毁掉了夫妻关系。
3. 这是一个恶性循环：被唠叨的人厌倦了纠缠不休因而开始忍住一言不发，而唠叨的人就更唠叨。
4. 专家说女人更容易唠叨，主要因为女人更习惯于负责管家事。对于夫妻关系所出现问题的早期迹象，她们也更敏感。
5. 专家认为防止唠叨循环的第一步是去承认已经陷入了一个糟糕的模式里了。大家都是为了吵架而吵架。
A. asking for
B. resent…for
C. be important to
D. expect to
E. tune…out
F. stuck in
G. grapple with
H. in order to
I. harm…with
J. talk about
1. Both become increasingly annoyed is an issue every couple will_______at some point.
2. We have a perception that we won't get what we want from the other person, so we feel we need to keep asking________get it.
3. It is possible for husbands to nag, and wives to________them________nagging.
4. Sure, a husband might_______his wife_______because he is annoyed.
5. The first step in curbing the nagging cycle, experts say, is to admit that you are_______a bad pattern.
6. Recognize the pattern you are in and_______how to address it as a team.
7. Explain why your request_______you.
8. Make sure you are________something that is realistic and appropriate.
9. Ask when your partner can_______finish the task.
10. Maybe it's worth it to hire a handyman, rather than________your relationship_______arguing.