I. WHO I WAS AND WHO SHE WAS

... Now as long as she’s here - everything is still all right：I’m constantly going over and looking at her; but tomorrow they’ll take her away and - how will I ever stay behind all on my own? Now she’s on the table in the sitting room, on two card tables that were put together, and the coffin will come tomorrow, a white one, with white gros de Naples , how-ever, that’s not i ... I keep pacing and want to make sense of it for myself. Now it’s six hours that I’ve been trying to make sense of it and I still can’t collect my thoughts to a T. The fact of the matter is that I keep pacing, pacing, pacin ... Here’s how it was. I’ll simply tell it in order. （Order!） Gen-tlemen, I’m far from being a literary man, as you’ll see, well, so be it, but I’ll tell it as I myself understand it. That’s the horror of it for me, that I understand everything!

If you want to know, that is, if we take it from the very beginning, then quite simply she used to come to me to pawn things in order to pay for advertising in the Voice , say-ing, well, that there’s a governess, willing to travel and give lessons in the home and so forth and so on. That was in the very beginning and of course I didn’t single her out from the others：she came like all the others and so forth. But afterwards I began to single her out. She was so thin, fair, a bit taller than average; with me she was always awkward, as if she were embarrassed （I think that she was exactly the same with all strangers, and, it goes without saying, I was no different than anyone else, that is, if taken not as a pawn-broker but as a man）. As soon as she received her money she would immediately turn around and leave. And all in silence. Others argue, beg, haggle to be given more; but not this one, whatever she was give ... It seems to me that I keep getting muddle ... Yes; first of all, I was struck by her things：silver gilt earrings, a worthless little locket - things worth twenty kopecks. She herself knew that they were worth all of ten kopecks, but I could see from her face that for her they were objects of great value - and indeed, as I learned later, this was all that she had left from her papa and mama. Only once did I permit myself to smile at her things. That is, you see, I never permit myself that, I maintain a gentlemanly tone with the public：a few words said respectfully and sternly.‘Sternly, sternly and sternly.’ But she suddenly permitted herself to bring the remnants （quite literally, that is） of an old rabbit-skin jacket - and I couldn’t resist and suddenly said something to her in the way of a witticism, as it were. Goodness gracious, how she flared up! Her eyes were blue, large, thoughtful, but how they blazed! But she didn’t let drop a single word, she picked up her ‘remnants’and left. That was the first time that I noticed her particularly and thought something of that sort about her, that is, precisely something of that particular sort. Yes; I recall yet another impression, that is, if you wish, the main impression, the synthesis of everything：namely, that she was terribly young, so young, as if she were fourteen years old. Wereas she was then three months shy of sixteen. However, that wasn’t what I wanted to say, that wasn’t the synthesis at all. She came again the next day. I later learned that she had been to Dobronravov and Mozer with that jacket, but they don’t take anything except gold and didn’t even bother to talk to her. I, on the other hand, had once taken a cameo from her （a worthless little thing） - and when I gave it some thought later on I was surprised：I also don’t buy anything except gold and silver and yet I had taken a cameo. That was my second thought about her then, I remember that.

This time, that is, after going to Mozer, she brought an amber cigar holder - a so-so little piece, for the connoisseur, but something of no worth to us, because we deal only in gold. Since she had come after yesterday’s rebellion, I greeted her sternly. Sternness for me means dryness. However, as I was giving her the two roubles, I couldn’t resist and said with some irritation, as it were：‘I’m doing this only for you, Mozer wouldn’t take a thing like this from you.’I particu-larly emphasized the words ‘for you’, and precisely with a certain insinuation . I was angry. Once again she flared up, upon hearing that ‘ for you ’, but she held her tongue, didn’t throw down the money, took it - that’s what poverty is! But how she flared up! I understood that I had wounded her. But when she had gone, I suddenly asked myself：So is this triumph over her really worth two roubles? Hee-hee-hee! I remember that I asked precisely that very question twice：‘Is it worth it? Is it worth it?’ And, laughing, I answered this question to myself in the affirmative. Then I really cheered up. But this wasn’t a nasty feeling：I had a plan, a purpose; I wanted to test her, because suddenly I began to have some thoughts about her. That was my third particular thought about her.

...Well, it was from that time that it all started. It goes without saying, I immediately tried to find out all her cir-cumstances indirectly and waited for her arrival with particular impatience. You see, I had a feeling that she would come soon. Wen she came, I launched into an amiable conversation with unusual politeness. You see, I wasn’t badly brought up and have manners. Hmm. That was when I guessed that she was kind and meek. The kind and meek don’t resist for long, and although they are by no means very open, they don’t at all know how to avoid a conversation：they answer grudgingly, but they answer and the longer it goes on, the more they answer; but if this is what you want, you can’t let yourself get tired. It goes without saying that she didn’t explain anything to me then. It was later that I learned about the Voice and about everything else. She was then mustering every last bit she had to advertise - at first, it goes without saying, presumptuously：‘Governess, willing to travel, send terms by post’; but later：‘Willing to do any-thing, tutor, be a companion, housekeeping, care for the sick, can sew’and so forth and so on. The usual! It goes without saying that all this was added to the advertisement at different stages, and towards the end, when despair had set it, there was even ‘without salary, for board’. No, she didn’t find a position! I made up my mind then to test her for the last time：I suddenly picked up today’s Voice and showed her an advertisement：‘Young female, orphan, seeks position as governess of small children, preferably with an elderly widower. Willing to do light housework.’

‘There, you see, this was published this morning and by evening she’s sure to have found a job. That’s the way to advertise!’

Again she flared up, again her eyes blazed; she turned around and immediately walked out. I was very pleased. However, by then I was already sure of everything and had no fears：nobody would take her cigar holders. Besides, she had already run out of cigar holders. And so it was, two days later she comes, such a pale, agitated little thing - I under-stood that something had happened at home, and indeed something had happened. I’ll explain straight away what happened, but now I merely wish to recall how I suddenly did something chic and rose in her eyes. A plan suddenly occurred to me. The fact of the matter is that she brought this icon （she had steeled herself to bring it）... Oh, listen! Listen! This is where it began, but I keep getting muddle ... The fact of the matter is that I now want to recall everything, every trifle, every little detail. I still want to collect my thoughts to a T and - I can’t, and now there are these little details, these little detail ...

An icon of the Mother of God. The Mother of God with Child, a family heirloom, an antique, with a silver gilt frame - worth - well, worth about six roubles. I see that the icon is dear to her, and she’s pawning the whole icon, with-out removing the mounting. I tell her that it would be better if she removed the mounting and took the icon with her, because after all it’s an icon.

‘Surely you’re not forbidden?’

‘No, it’s not that it’s forbidden, but just that, perhaps, you yoursel ... ’

‘Well, remove it.’

‘You know what, I won’t remove it, but I’ll put it over there in the icon case,’ I said, after giving it some thought, ‘with the other icons, under the lamp.’（I’ve always had the lamp burning ever since I opened my shop.）‘And I’ll give you ten roubles - it’s as simple as that.’

‘I don’t need ten, give me five; I’ll redeem it without fail.’

‘But don’t you want ten? The icon is worth it,’ I added, after observing that her little eyes had flashed once again. She held her tongue. I brought her five roubles.

‘Don’t despise anybody - I’ve been in tight squeezes myself, and even a bit worse, and if you now see me in such an occupatio ... well, you see, after all that I’ve endure ... ’

‘You’re taking revenge on society? Is that it?’she suddenly interrupted me with a rather sarcastic gibe, in which, how-ever, there was a good deal of innocence （that is, of a general sort, because she certainly did not single me out from the others then, so it was said almost inoffensively）. ‘Aha!’ I thought, ‘so that’s what you’re like, your character is show-ing itself, you belong to the new movement.’

‘You see,’ I immediately observed, half-jokingly, half-mysteriously.‘I - I am part of that part of the whole that desires to do evil, but creates goo ... ’

She looked at me quickly and with great curiosity, in which, however, there was a great deal of childishness：

‘Wait a momen ... Wat’s that saying? Were’s it from? I’ve heard it somewher ... ’

‘Don’t rack your brains：Mephistopheles recommends him-self to Faust in those words. Have you read Faust ?’

‘N ... not carefully.’

‘That is, you haven’t read it at all. You should read it. However, once again I see a sardonic grin on your lips. Please, don’t suppose that I have so little taste that I wished to paint over my role as a pawnbroker by recommending myself to you as Mephistopheles. Once a pawnbroker, always a pawnbroker. We know that, miss.’

‘You’re such a strange perso ... I didn’t in the least want to say anything of the kin ... ’

She wanted to say：I didn’t expect that you were an edu-cated man, but she didn’t say it, though I knew that she had thought it; I had pleased her terribly much.

‘You see,’ I observed, ‘one can do good in any walk of life. Of course, I’m not speaking of myself; let’s suppose that I do nothing but bad thing ... ’

‘Of course, one can do good in any position,’ she said, looking at me with a quick and penetrating glance. ‘Precisely in any position,’ she added suddenly.

Oh, I remember, I remember all those moments! And I also want to add that when these young people, these dear young people, want to say something intelligent and pene-trating, then their faces suddenly show you all too sincerely and naively：‘Here I am, I’m telling you something intelli-gent and penetrating.’And it’s not at all from vanity, as is the case with the likes of us, but you see that she herself sets great store on all this terribly, and she believes, and respects and thinks that you, too, respect all this just as she does. Oh, sincerity! That’s what they win you over with! And it was so charming in her!

I remember, I have forgotten nothing! Wen she left, I made up my mind at once. That same day I made my final enquiries and learned absolutely everything else there was to know about her present particulars; all the particulars of her past I already knew from Lukerya, who was then their servant and whom I had bribed several days earlier. These circumstances were so horrible that I don’t understand how it had been possible for her to laugh, as she had that day, and be curious about Mephistopheles’words, when she her-self was faced with such horrors. But-youth! That’s precisely what I thought about her then with pride and joy, because, you see, there was also magnanimity about it, as if she were to say：the great works of Goethe shine even on the brink of ruin. Youth is always magnanimous, if only ever so slightly and ever so distortedly. That is, I’m speaking of her, you see, her alone. And the main thing, I then looked upon her as mine and did not doubt my power. You know, that’s a most voluptuous thought, when you no longer have any doubt.

But what’s wrong with me? If I keep going on like this, then when will I collect everything to a T? Quickly, quickly-this isn’t the point at all, oh God!

II. A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL

The ‘particulars’I learned about her I can set forth in a few words：her father and mother had died a long time ago, three years previously, and she had been left with her disreputable aunts. That is, it’s saying too little to call them disreputable. One aunt was a widow with a large family, six children, each one smaller than the next; the other was a spinster, old and nasty. Both of them were nasty. Her father had been a gov-ernment official, but only a clerk, and a non-hereditary nobleman-in a word：everything played into my hands. I appeared as if from some higher world：after all, I was a retired staffcaptain of a brilliant regiment, a nobleman by birth, independent and so on, and as far as the pawnshop went, the aunts could only look at it with respect. She had been slaving for her aunts for three years, but nevertheless she had passed an examination somewhere-she had man-aged to pass it, snatched a free minute to pass it, despite relentless work day in and day out - and that meant some-thing about aspirations for the noble and the sublime on her part. After all, why did I want to get married? But who cares about me, we’ll save that for late ... As if that were the point! She taught her aunt’s children, she sewed their under-clothes, and towards the end she washed not only these underclothes, but she, with her bad chest, also washed the floors. To put it bluntly, they even beat her, reproaching her for every crumb. It ended with them intending to sell her. Ugh! I’ll omit the dirty details. Later she told me everything in detail. A neighbour, a fat shopkeeper, had been observing all this for a whole year, and he wasn’t just an ordinary shop-keeper, but the owner of two grocery stores. He had already beat two wives to death and was looking for a third, and had cast his eye on her：‘She’s a quiet one,’ he thought, ‘she grew up in poverty and I’m marrying for the sake of my orphans.’Indeed, he did have orphans. He began to seek her hand, started negotiations with the aunts, and on top of that-he’s fifty years old; she’s horri fied. And that’s when she started coming to me to get money for advertisements in the Voice . In the end, she began asking the aunts to give her just the littlest bit of time to think it over. They gave her that little bit, but only one, they didn’t give her another; they badgered her：‘We don’t know where we’ll get our next meal, even without an extra mouth to feed.’ I already knew all this, and on that same day, after her visit in the morning, I made up my mind. That evening the merchant came, he had brought from the shop a pound of candies worth fifty kopecks; she’s sitting with him, and I summon Lukerya from the kitchen and tell her to go to her and whisper that I’m standing by the gate and wish to tell her something most urgently. I remained pleased with myself. And in general I was terribly pleased with myself that entire day.

Right there at the gate, already dumbfounded that I had summoned her, I explained to her, in Lukerya’s presence, that I would consider myself happy and honoure ... Sec-ondly, she was not surprised by my manner or by the fact that this was taking place by the gate：‘I am a straightforward man,’ I said, ‘and have studied the circumstances of the mat-ter.’And I wasn’t lying that I’m straightforward. Well, to hell with it. I spoke not only decently, that is, by showing myself to be a person of good breeding, but originally as well, and that’s the main thing. Wat, is it a sin to acknowledge this? I want to judge myself and am doing so. I must speak both pro and contra , and I am doing so. I recalled it with delight afterwards, even though it was stupid：I announced straight out then, without any embarrassment, that, in the first place, I wasn’t particularly talented, not particularly intelligent, and perhaps not even particularly kind, that I was a rather cheap egoist （I remember this expression, I had composed it on my way there and remained pleased with it） and that-very, very likely - there was much that was unpleasant about me in other respects as well. All this was said with a particu-lar kind of pride - we know how these sorts of things are said. Of course, I had sufficient good taste, after nobly declaring my deficiencies, not to launch into a declaration of my virtues：‘But to make up for this, I have this, that and the other.’ I could see that she was still terribly afraid, but I didn’t soften anything; instead, seeing that she was afraid I deliberately intensified it：I said straight out that she wouldn’t go hungry, but as for fancy clothes, the theatre and balls-there would be none of that, though perhaps later, when I had achieved my goal. I was definitely carried away by this stern tone. I added, and as casually as possible, that if I had taken up such an occupation, that is, keeping this pawnshop, it was for one purpose only - that is, there was a certain circumstance, so to spea ... But you see I had a right to speak like that：I really did have such a purpose and such a circumstance. Wait a moment, gentlemen, all my life I have been the first to hate this pawnbroking business, but in essence, you see, even though it’s ridiculous to talk to oneself in mysterious phrases, I was ‘taking revenge on soci-ety’, you see, I really, really, really was! Therefore, her joke about the fact that I was ‘taking revenge’was unfair. That is, you see, if I had said to her straight out in so many words：‘Yes, I’m taking revenge on society’, and she had burst out laughing, the way she did that morning, it would indeed have come out ridiculous. But with an indirect hint and by dropping a mysterious phrase it turned out that it was pos-sible to engage her imagination. Moreover, I wasn’t afraid of anything then：you see, I knew that in any event the fat shopkeeper was more repulsive than I and that I, standing by the gate, was her liberator. I understood that, you see. Oh, man understands baseness particularly well! But was it baseness? How is one to judge a man in a case like this? Didn’t I love her already even then?

Wait a moment：it goes without saying that I didn’t say a word to her about doing a good deed：on the contrary, oh, on the contrary：‘It is I,’ I said, ‘who am being done the favour, and not you .’ So that I even expressed this in words, I couldn’t help myself, and perhaps it came out stupidly, because I noticed a fleeting grin on her face. But on the whole I had definitely won. Wait a moment, if I’m going to recall all this filth, then I’ll recall this final bit of swinishness：I was standing there and this is what was going through my head：You’re tall, fit, educated and - and finally, to speak without any boasting, you’re not bad looking. That’s what was running through my head. It goes without saying, she said ‘yes’there and then by the gate. Bu ... but I should add：she thought it over for a long time, right there and then by the gate, before she said ‘yes’. She was so deep in thought, so deep in thought that I was on the verge of asking, ‘Well, what is it going to be?’ - and I couldn’t even help myself from asking with a certain sense of chic：‘Well, what is it going to be, Miss?’ - adding the ‘Miss’for good measure.

‘Wait, I’m thinking.’

And her little face was so serious, so serious - that even then I might have read it! But instead I was offended：‘Is she really,’ I thought to myself, ‘choosing between me and the merchant?’ Oh, I still didn’t understand then! I still didn’t understand anything, anything then! I didn’t under-stand until today! I remember Lukerya ran after me when I was already walking away, stopped me in the street and said, catching her breath：‘God will reward you, sir, for taking our dear young lady - only don’t say anything about it to her, she’s proud.’

Well now, proud! I like them proud, I said to myself. The proud ones are particularly nice, whe ... well, when you no longer harbour any doubts about your power over them. Eh? Oh, base, awkward man! Oh, how pleased I was! Do you know, while she was standing there by the gate deep in thought about whether to say ‘yes’to me, and I was sur-prised, do you know, that she might even have been thinking：‘If it’s to be misfortune either way, isn’t it better to choose the worst straight away, that is, the fat shopkeeper; let him get drunk, the sooner the better, and beat me to death!’ Eh? Wat do you think, could that have been what she was thinking?

And even now I don’t understand, even now I don’t under-stand anything! I just now said that she might have been thinking that she should choose the worse of the two mis-fortunes, that is, the merchant. But who was worse for her then - the merchant or I? The merchant or the pawnbroker who quotes Goethe? That’s still a question! Wat question? You don’t understand even that：the answer is lying on the table, and you say ‘what question’! But to hell with me! I’m not the point here at al ... And at the same time, what do I care now - whether I’m the point or not? That’s something I’m utterly incapable of deciding. I’d better go to bed. I have a headach ...

III. THE NOBLEST OF MEN, BUT I DON’T BELIEVE IT MYSELF

I didn’t fall asleep. And how could I with that pulse ham-mering away in my head. I want to absorb all this, all this filth. Oh, the filth! Oh, the filth I dragged her out of then! She should have realized that, you know, she should have appreciated my deed! I was pleased, too, by various thoughts, for example, that I was forty-one years old and that she was only sixteen. That fascinated me, this sense of inequality, it was very sweet, very sweet.

I, for example, wanted to have the wedding à l’anglaise, that is, just the two of us, perhaps with two witnesses, one of whom would be Lukerya, and then at once to the train, for example, if only to Moscow （it so happened that I had business there）, to a hotel for a fortnight or so. She was against it, she wouldn’t have it and I was forced to visit her aunts and pay my respects to them as the relatives from whom I was taking her. I gave in, and the aunts were ren-dered their due. I even made a present of a hundred roubles each to those creatures and promised more, of course, with-out saying a word to her, so as not to distress her with the baseness of the situation. The aunts at once became as soft as silk. There was an argument about the trousseau as well：she didn’t have anything, almost literally, but she didn’t want anything either. However, I managed to convince her that it wasn’t possible to have absolutely nothing, and so I arranged for the trousseau myself, because who else would do any-thing for her? Well, but to hell with me! Various ideas of mine, however, I nevertheless did manage to convey to her then, so that she would at least know. Perhaps I was even too hasty. The main thing is that from the very beginning, however much she tried to hold out, she would throw herself at me with her love; she would meet me when I came home in the evening with rapture, she would tell me in her prattle （the charming prattle of innocence!） all about her child-hood, youth, about her parental home, about her father and mother. But I immediately threw cold water on all these ecstasies right then and there. That was the whole point of my idea. I answered her raptures with silence, gracious, of cours ... but she nevertheless quickly saw that we were different and that I was - a riddle. And the main thing is that I had set my sights on this riddle! You see, it was in order to pose this riddle perhaps that I committed all this foolishness! First of all, sternness - it was with sternness that I took her into my house. In a word, even though I was quite pleased with things as they were, I began to create a complete system. Oh, it took shape on its own, without any effort. And it couldn’t have been otherwise, I had to create this system on account of one incontrovertible circumstance - really, what is this? I’m slandering myself! The system was genuine. No, listen, if you’re going to judge a person, then you should judge him knowing the cas ... Listen.

How should I begin this, because it’s very difficult. Wen you begin justifying yourself - that’s when it gets difficult. You see：young people despise money, for example - I ham-mered away about money; I pressed home about money. And I hammered away so that she began to fall silent more and more. She would open her big eyes, listen, look and fall silent. You see：young people are magnanimous, that is, the good ones are magnanimous and impetuous, but they have little tolerance, as soon as something’s not quite right - you get their contempt. But I wanted breadth, I wanted to instil breadth right into her heart, to instil it into her heart’s vista, isn’t that so? I’ll take a trivial example：How could I explain, for example, my pawnshop to a person like that? It goes without saying that I didn’t bring it up directly, or it would have looked like I was asking her forgiveness for the pawn-shop; instead I acted, so to speak, with pride - I spoke almost silently. And I’m a master of speaking silently - all my life I’ve spoken silently and I’ve lived through entire tragedies in silence. Oh, and I too have been unhappy! I was cast aside by everyone, cast aside and forgotten, and no one, no one knows it! And suddenly this sixteen-year-old girl got hold of details about me afterwards from vile people and thought that she knew everything, but meanwhile the secret remained only in this man’s breast! I went on being silent, and I was particularly, particularly silent with her until just yesterday - why was I silent? Because I’m a proud man. I wanted her to find out on her own, without me, but not from stories told by scoundrels, but that she should guess herself about this man and comprehend him! Wen I received her into my house, I wanted her complete respect. I wanted her to stand before me beseechingly, on account of my suffering - and I was worthy of that. Oh, I’ve always been proud, I’ve always wanted all or nothing! And that’s precisely why I’m not for half-measures in happiness, but wanted everything - and that’s precisely why I was forced to act as I did then, as if to say：‘Figure it out for yourself and appreciate me!’ Because, you must agree, if I had begun by explaining and prompting, being evasive and asking for respect - then, you see, it would have been as if I were asking for charit ... Howeve ... However, why am I talking about this!

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid! I straight away and ruth-lessly （and I want to emphasize that it was ruthlessly） explained to her then, in a few words, that the magnanimity of young people was lovely, but not worth a brass button. Wy not? Because it comes cheap, they get it without having lived; it’s all, so to speak, the ‘first impressions of existence’, but let’s see you do some work! Cheap magnanimity is always easy, and even to give your life-even that’s easy, because that’s just a matter of the blood boiling and an over-abundance of energy, one passionately longs for beauty! No, take an act of magnanimity that is difficult, quiet, muted, without splendour, where you’re slandered, where there’s much sacrifice and not a drop of glory - where you, a shining man, are brought forward before everyone as a scoundrel, when you are the most honest man in the world - come on, try your hand at that sort of deed, no, sir, you’ll give it up! Wile I - all I’ve done my whole life is to shoulder that sort of deed. In the beginning she would argue - and how! But then she began to fall silent, completely and totally, she would just open her eyes terribly wide as she listened, such big, big eyes, and so attentive. An ... and besides that I suddenly saw a smile, a mistrustful, silent, bad smile. It was with that smile that I brought her into my house. And it’s also true that she had nowhere else to g ...

IV. PLANS AND MORE PLANS

Wich of us was the first to begin then?

Neither. It began on its own from the very first. I have said that I had brought her into my house with sternness; how-ever, I softened it from the very first. Wen she was still my fiancée it had been explained to her that she would assist in taking in the pledges and paying out the money, and she didn’t say anything then （note that）. And what’s more, she even took to the business with zeal. Well, of course, the apartment, the furniture - everything remained the same as before. The apartment has two rooms：one is a large room in which the shop is partitioned off from the rest, and the other one is also a large room in which we have our sitting room and bedroom. My furniture isn’t much; even her aunts had better. My icon-stand with the lamp is in the room with the shop; in the other room I have my bookcase with some books and a trunk to which I have the keys; and there’s a bed, tables, chairs. Wen she was still my fiancée I told her that one rouble a day and no more was allotted for our board, that is, food, for me, her and Lukerya, whom I had enticed away：‘I need 30，000 in three years,’ I told her, ‘otherwise I won’t be able to save up enough money.’She didn’t stand in the way, but I myself added to our board by thirty kopecks. It was the same thing with the theatre. Wen she was still my fiancée I told her that there wouldn’t be any theatre; however, I decided that we should go to the theatre once a month, and decently at that, in the orchestra. We went together, three times, and saw In Pursuit of Happiness and Songbirds , I think.（Oh, to hell with it, to hell with it!） We went in silence and returned in silence. Wy, why did we from the very beginning choose to be silent? After all, there weren’t any quarrels in the beginning, but there was silence then, too. As I recall, she somehow kept looking at me then on the sly; when I noticed that I increased my silence. True, I was the one who insisted upon silence, and not she. On her part there were outbursts once or twice, when she would rush to embrace me; but since these out-bursts were unhealthy and hysterical, and what I required was steadfast happiness, together with her respect, I received them coldly. And I was right to do so：each time the outburst was followed the next day by a quarrel.

That is, there weren’t any quarrels, but there was silence and - and on her part a more and more insolent look.‘Rebel-lion and independence’ - that’s what it was, only she didn’t know how. Yes, that meek face was becoming more and more insolent. Can you believe it? I was becoming repulsive to her - I came to understand that. And there could be no doubt about these outbursts that came over her. For example, after leaving behind such filth and beggary, after scrubbing floors, how could she suddenly begin to grumble about our poverty! You see, gentlemen：it wasn’t poverty, it was econ-omy, and where necessary there was some luxury, when it came to linens and cleanliness, for example. I had always dreamed before that cleanliness in a husband attracts a wife. However, it wasn’t poverty, but my supposed miserly econ-omy that bothered her：‘He has goals, he’s showing his firm character.’ She suddenly declined to go to the theatre. And there was more and more of that sardonic gri ... Wile I intensified my silence, I intensified my silence.

Surely there was no need to justify my actions? The main thing here was the pawnshop. Come now, sirs：I knew that a woman, especially one who was sixteen years old, couldn’t help but submit completely to a man. Women have no ori-ginality, that’s-that’s an axiom, even now it’s an axiom for me! Never mind what’s lying there in the front room：truth is truth, and even Mill himself can’t do anything about it! But a loving woman, oh, a loving woman idolizes even the vices, even the villainy of her beloved being. He would not seek such justifications for his villainy as she will find for him. That’s magnanimous but not original. It is this lack of originality alone that has been the undoing of women. And what, I repeat, what are you pointing to there on the table? Is there really anything original about what’s there on the table? Oh-h-h!

Listen：I was certain of her love then. You see, she would throw herself on my neck then. That meant she loved me, or rather - she wished to love me. Yes, that’s what it was：she wished to love, she sought to love. But the main thing, you see, is that there weren’t any villainies for which she needed to find justifications. You say a ‘pawnbroker’and that’s what everyone says. But what if I am a pawnbroker? That means there are reasons, if the most magnanimous of men became a pawnbroker. You see, gentlemen, there are idea ... that is, you see, when some ideas are said out loud, put into words, they come out terribly stupid. They come out so that you’re ashamed of them yourself. But why? For no reason at all. Because we’re all good-for-nothings and can’t bear the truth, or I don’t know why else. I said just now ‘the most magnanimous of men’. That’s ridiculous, you see, and yet that’s how it was. You see, it’s the truth, that is, it’s the most truthful truth of all! Yes, I had the right then to want to pro-vide for myself and open this shop：‘You, that is, you people, have spurned me, you have driven me away with your con-temptuous silence. You have answered my outbursts of passion with an insult that I will feel for the rest of my life. Consequently, I now am within my rights to protect myself from you with a wall, to amass those 30，000 roubles and end my days somewhere in the Crimea, on the southern shore, amidst mountains and vineyards, on my own estate pur-chased with that 30，000, and the main thing, far away from you all, but without malice towards you, with an ideal in my soul, with my beloved woman at my heart, with a family if God should send one, and - helping out the neighbouring peasants.’It goes without saying that it’s good that I’m tell-ing this to myself now, but what could have been more stupid than if I had described all this out loud to her then? That was the reason behind my proud silence, and that was the reason we sat in silence. Because what would she have understood? Just sixteen years old, so very young - what could she have understood of my justifications, of my suf-fering? I was dealing with straightforwardness, ignorance of life, cheap, youthful convictions, the blindness of ‘beautiful hearts’, and the main thing, the pawnshop and- basta !（But was I a scoundrel in the pawnshop, didn’t she see how I conducted myself and did I charge more than I should?） Oh, how terrible is truth on this earth! This charming one, this meek one, this heaven - she was a tyrant, the unbearable tyrant of my soul and my tormentor! I’d be slandering myself, you see, if I didn’t say that! You think I didn’t love her? Wo can say that I didn’t love her? You see：there was irony here, the malicious irony of fate and nature! We are accursed, the life of people in general is accursed! （And mine in particular!） I understand now, you see, that I made some mistake here! Something didn’t come out the way it was supposed to. Everything was clear, my plan was as clear as the sky：‘Severe, proud, requires no moral consolation, suf-fers in silence.’ That’s how it was, I wasn’t lying, I wasn’t lying! ‘She’ll see for herself later on that there was magna-nimity here, but she just wasn’t able to see it now-and when she does fathom it some day, she’ll appreciate it ten times more and will fall down in the dust with her hands folded in supplication.’ That was the plan. But I forgot something here or failed to take it into account. I wasn’t able to do something here. But enough, enough. And of whom can I ask forgiveness now? Wat’s done is done. Take courage, man, and be proud! It’s not you who are to blame!...

Now then, I’ll tell the truth, I won’t be afraid to stand face to face with the truth：she is to blame, she is to blame!...

V. THE MEEK ONE REBELS

The quarrels began when she suddenly took it into her head to pay out money as she saw fit, to appraise things for more than they were worth, and a couple of times she even thought fit to enter into an argument with me on the subject. I didn’t agree. But then this captain’s widow turned up.

An old lady, the widow of a captain, came with a locket - a present from her late husband, well, you know, a keepsake. I gave thirty roubles. She started to whine plaintively, begging me to keep the thing for her; it goes without saying that we keep it. Well, in a word, suddenly she comes five days later to exchange it for a bracelet that’s not worth even eight roubles; it goes without saying that I refused. She must have guessed then something from my wife’s eyes, but in any case she came when I wasn’t there, and my wife exchanged the locket.

Wen I learned about it that very same day, I began by speaking meekly, but firmly and reasonably. She was sitting on the bed, looking at the floor, tapping the rug with the toe of her right shoe （her gesture）; an unpleasant smile played on her lips. Then without raising my voice at all I announced calmly that the money was mine , that I had the right to look at life with my own eyes and that when I invited her into my house I had not concealed anything from her.

She suddenly jumped up, suddenly began trembling all over and-what do you think-she suddenly began stamp-ing her feet at me; this was a wild animal, this was a fit, this was a wild animal having a fit. I froze in astonishment：I had never expected such an outburst. But I didn’t become flus-tered, I didn’t even move a muscle, and once again in the same calm voice I declared plainly that from that time for-ward I refused to let her take part in my affairs. She laughed in my face and walked out of the apartment.

The fact of the matter is that she had no right to leave the apartment. Nowhere without me, that was the agreement we made when she was still my fiancée. She returned towards evening; I didn’t say a word.

The next day, too, she went out in the morning, and it was the same thing the following day. I locked up the shop and set off to see her aunts. I had broken off relations with them from the day of the wedding - I hadn’t invited them to visit me, we didn’t visit them. Now it turned out that she wasn’t with them. They heard me out with curiosity and laughed in my face.‘Serves you right,’ they said. But I had expected their laughter. I then and there bribed the younger aunt, the spinster, with a hundred roubles, and gave her twenty-five in advance. Two days later she comes to me：‘An officer,’ she says, ‘a Lieutenant Yefimovich, a former comrade of yours from the regiment, is mixed up in this.’ I was quite aston-ished. This Yefimovich had done me more harm than anyone else in the regiment, and a month ago he stopped by my shop a couple of times, and being the shameless fellow that he is, under the pretence of pawning something, I remember, he began laughing with my wife. I went up to him then and told him that, considering our relations, he should not pre-sume to visit me; but no idea of anything like that crossed my mind, I simply thought that he was an insolent fellow. But now suddenly her auntie informs me that she had made an appointment to see him and that this whole affair is being handled by a certain former acquaintance of the aunts, Yuliya Samsonovna, a widow, and a colonel’s widow at that- ‘It’s her that your spouse goes to visit now,’ she says.

I’ll cut this story short. This business cost me almost 300 roubles, but in two days it was arranged that I would stand in the adjoining room, behind closed doors, and listen to my wife’s first rendezvous alone with Yefimovich. Mean-while, the previous evening a brief but for me very significant scene between myself and my wife took place.

She returned towards evening, sat down on the bed, looked at me mockingly and thumped the rug with her foot. Suddenly, as I was looking at her, the idea flew into my head then that all this past month, or, rather, for the past two weeks, she had not been herself at all - one could even say that she had been exactly the opposite：a wild, aggressive being had made its appearance; I can’t say shameless, but disorderly and looking for trouble. Asking for trouble. Meekness, however, held her back. Wen a girl like that starts creating an uproar, even if she does cross the line, it’s nevertheless plain to see that she’s only hurting herself, that she’s egging herself on and that she will be the first who is unable to cope with her feelings of modesty and shame. That’s why girls like that sometimes go too far, so that you don’t believe your own eyes when you witness it. A soul accustomed to debauchery, on the contrary, always softens it, making it more vile, but in a guise of decorum and decency that claims to be superior to you.

‘And is it true that you were driven out of your regiment, because you were too cowardly to fight a duel?’she asked suddenly, out of the blue, and her eyes flashed.

‘It’s true; the officers rendered the verdict that I was to be asked to leave the regiment, although I had in any case already tendered my resignation.’

‘You were driven out as a coward?’

‘Yes, they judged me a coward. But I refused to duel not because I was a coward, but because I didn’t wish to submit to their tyrannical verdict and issue a challenge to a duel when I did not consider myself to be insulted. You should know,’ I couldn’t restrain myself here, ‘that flying in the face of such tyranny through my actions and accepting all the consequences took far more courage than any duel would have done.’

I couldn’t contain myself, with this phrase I launched into self-justifications, as it were, and that was all she needed, a fresh instance of my humiliation. She burst out in malicious laughter.

‘And is it true that for the next three years you wandered the streets of Petersburg like a tramp, and begged for kopecks, and slept under billiard tables?’

‘I even spent some nights in the Vyazemsky House on Haymarket Square. Yes, it’s true; in my life after leaving the regiment there was much shame and degradation, but not moral degradation, because I was the first to loathe my actions even then. It was merely the degradation of my will and mind, and it was brought about only by the desperation of my situation. But this passe ...’

‘Oh, now you’re an important person - a financier!’

That is, a hint at my pawnshop. But I had already man-aged to hold myself in check. I saw that she thirsted for explanations that would be humiliating for me and - I didn’t give them. Fortunately, a client rang the bell just then and I went to see him in the front room. Afterwards, an hour later, when she had suddenly dressed to go out, she stopped in front of me and said：

‘You didn’t tell me anything about this before the wed-ding, however.’

I didn’t answer, and she left.

And so, the next day I stood in this room behind the door and listened to my fate being decided, and in my pocket there was a revolver. She was dressed up, sitting at the table, and Yefimovich was putting on airs. And what do you know：it turned out （I say this to my credit）, it turned out exactly as I had foreseen and supposed, though without realizing that I had foreseen and supposed this. I don’t know whether I’m expressing myself clearly.

This is what happened. I listened for a whole hour and for that hour I witnessed a duel between the most noble and lofty woman and a worldly, depraved, dim-witted creature with a grovelling soul. And how, I thought to myself in amazement, how does this naive, this meek, this reserved girl know all this? The cleverest author of a high-society comedy could not have created this scene of ridicule, the most naive laughter and the holy contempt of virtue for vice. And such brilliance in her words and little turns of speech; what wit in her quick replies, what truth in her censure! And at the same time what almost girlish ingenuousness. She laughed in his face at his declarations of love, at his gestures, at his proposals. Coming straight to the matter with a crude assault and not foreseeing any opposition, all of a sudden he had the wind taken out of his sails. at first I might have thought that it was simply coquetry on her part - the ‘coquetry of a clever though depraved creature in order to show herself more lavishly’. But no, the truth shone through like the sun and it was impossible to have any doubts. It was only out of hatred for me, affected and impetuous though it was, that she, inexperienced as she was, could have decided to undertake this meeting, but as soon as it had become reality - her eyes were opened at once. Here was a creature who was simply flailing about so as to insult me no matter what, but once she had decided on such filth she couldn’t bear the disorder. And could she, blameless and pure, with ideals, have been attracted to Yefimovich or any of those other high-society brutes? On the contrary, he aroused only laughter. The whole truth rose up from her soul, and indig-nation called forth sarcasm from her heart. I repeat, towards the end this fool was utterly dazed and sat scowling, barely responding, so that I even began to fear that he would ven-ture to insult her out of mean-spirited revenge. And I repeat once again：to my credit I heard this scene out almost with-out astonishment. It was as though I had encountered something familiar. It was as though I had gone in order to encounter it. I had gone, believing nothing, no accusation, although I did put a revolver in my pocket-that’s the truth! And could I have really imagined her otherwise? Wasn’t that why I loved her, wasn’t that why I cherished her, wasn’t that why I had married her? Oh, of course, I was all too con-vinced that she hated me then, but I was also convinced of her purity. I brought the scene swiftly to a close by opening the door. Yefimovich jumped to his feet, I took her by the hand and invited her to leave with me. Yefimovich found his bearings and suddenly burst out in resounding peals of laughter.

‘Oh, I have no objections to sacred conjugal rights, take her away, take her away! And you know,’ he shouted after me, ‘even though a respectable person can’t fight you, yet out of respect for your lady, I am at your servic ... If you, however, want to risk i ... ’

‘Do you hear that!’ I stopped her for a second on the threshold.

Then not a word all the way home. I led her by the hand, and she didn’t resist. On the contrary, she was utterly dumb-founded, but only until we got home. On our arrival, she sat down on a chair and fastened her gaze on me. She was extraordinarily pale; though her lips had at once formed a mocking smile, she was already regarding me with a solemn and severe challenge, and, I believe, she was seriously con-vinced those first few moments that I was going to kill her with the revolver. But I took the revolver out of my pocket in silence and laid it on the table. She looked at me and at the revolver.（Note：she was already familiar with this revolver. I had acquired it and kept it loaded ever since open-ing the shop. Wen I was getting ready to open the shop I had decided not to keep hulking dogs or a burly lackey like Mozer did, for example. The cook opens the door for my visitors. But people who engage in my trade cannot deprive themselves of self-defence, just in case, and I kept a loaded revolver. During those first days when she had come to live in my house she showed a lot of interest in this revolver, she asked a lot of questions, and I even explained the mechanism and how it worked; moreover, I persuaded her once to shoot at a target. Note all that.）Paying no notice of her frightened look, I lay down on the bed half-undressed. I was very tired; it was already almost eleven o’clock. She went on sitting in the same place, without moving, for almost another hour, then she put out the candle and lay down, also dressed, on the sofa by the wall. It was the first time that she didn’t come to bed with me - note that as wel ...

VI. A TERRIBLE MEMORY

Now, this terrible memor ...

I woke up in the morning, between seven and eight, I think, and it was already almost completely light in the room. I woke up all at once fully conscious and suddenly opened my eyes. She was standing by the table, holding the revolver. She didn’t see that I was awake and watching. And suddenly I saw that she had started to move towards me, holding the revolver. I quickly shut my eyes and pretended to be fast asleep.

She came up to the bed and stood over me. I heard every-thing; although a dead silence had fallen, I heard even that silence. Then there came a convulsive movement - and I suddenly, uncontrollably, opened my eyes against my will. She was looking me right in the eyes, and the revolver was already by my temple. Our eyes met. But we looked at each other for no more than a moment. I forced myself to shut my eyes again and at the same moment I resolved with every fibre of my being that I would not stir or open my eyes, no matter what awaited me.

In fact, it does happen sometimes that a person who is sound asleep suddenly opens his eyes, even raises his head for a second and looks about the room, then, a moment later, he lays his head on the pillow again and falls asleep without remembering a thing. Wen, after meeting her gaze and feeling the revolver at my temple, I suddenly shut my eyes again and didn’t stir, like someone sound asleep, she cer-tainly could have supposed that I indeed was asleep and that I hadn’t seen anything, particularly since it was altogether incredible that having seen what I saw I would shut my eyes again at such a moment.

Yes, incredible. But she still might have guessed the truth - that was what suddenly flashed through my mind, at that very same moment. Oh, what a whirlwind of thoughts, sensations raced through my mind in less than a moment; long live the electricity of human thought! In that case （I felt）, if she had guessed the truth and knew that I wasn’t sleeping, then I had already crushed her with my readiness to accept death and her hand might now falter. Her former resolve might be shattered by this new extraordinary impres-sion. They say that people standing on a height are drawn downwards, as it were, of their own accord, to the abyss. I think that a lot of suicides and murders have been committed merely because the revolver was already in hand. There’s an abyss here as well, there’s a forty-five-degree slope down which you can’t help but slide and something relentlessly challenges you to pull the trigger. But the awareness that I had seen everything, that I knew everything and that I was awaiting my death from her in silence-might hold her back from that slope.

The silence continued, and suddenly I felt on my temple, at my hairline, the cold touch of iron. You will ask：did I firmly hope that I would be saved? I will answer you as if I were before God himself：I had no hope whatsoever, except perhaps one chance in a hundred. Wy, then, did I accept death? But I will ask：Wat need would I have of life after the revolver was raised against me by the being whom I adored? Moreover, I knew with all the force of my being that a struggle was going on between us at that very moment, a terrible duel for life and death, a duel of that same coward of yesterday, driven out by his comrades. I knew it, and she knew it, if only she had guessed the truth that I wasn’t sleeping.

Perhaps it wasn’t like that, perhaps I didn’t think that then, but still it must have been like that, even without thought, because all I’ve done since is think about it every hour of my life.

But you’ll ask me the question again：why didn’t I save her then from this treachery? Oh, I have asked myself that question a thousand times since-each time when, with a shiver down my spine, I recalled that second. But my soul then was plunged in dark despair：I was lost, I myself was lost, so whom could I have saved? And how do you know whether I still wanted to save somebody then? How can you know what I might have been feeling then?

My consciousness, however, was seething; the seconds passed, there was dead silence; she was still standing over me - and then suddenly I shuddered with hope! I quickly opened my eyes. She was no longer in the room. I got up from the bed：I had defeated her-and she was forever defeated!

I went out to the samovar. We always had the samovar brought to the outer room and she was always the one to pour the tea. I sat down at the table in silence and took a glass of tea from her. About five minutes later I glanced at her. She was terribly pale, even paler than yesterday, and she was looking at me. And suddenly - and suddenly, seeing that I was looking at her, she gave a pale smile with her pale lips, a timid question in her eyes.‘That means that she still has doubts and is asking herself：does he know or not, did he see or didn’t he?’ I indifferently turned my eyes away. After tea I locked up the shop, went to the market and bought an iron bed and a screen. Wen I returned home, I had the bed installed in the front room with the screen around it. This bed was for her, but I didn’t say a word to her. Even without words she understood from this bed alone that I ‘had seen everything and knew everything’and that there was no longer any doubt about this. I left the revolver on the table for the night as always. At night she silently got into her new bed：the marriage was dissolved, ‘she had been defeated but not forgiven’. During the night she became delirious, and by morning she had a fever. She was confined to bed for six weeks. GAXSOQsL4pDrdg1z3DtCwHK9y5y1r1vrEpgLdZjs9n0z81NzE9BNBWm2aUO451rp