There was once a judge in Pisa with more brains than muscle called Messer Ricciardo da Chinzica, who may have thought that what worked well with his studies would satisfy a wife too. Being very rich, he was able to devote considerable time and effort to searching for a good- looking young lady to marry, whereas, if he had been able to give himself the sort of professional counsel he gave to others, good looks and youth were just what he should have run away from. And he managed it: Ser Lotto Gualandi gave him one of his daughters in marriage. She was called Bartolommea and she was one of the best- looking and most fanciable girls in Pisa, though admittedly there aren’t many there who don’t look like hairy spiders. The judge took her home with great razzmatazz, and the marriage- feast was magnificent.

When he finally geared himself up for the actual consummation, he just about brought it off. But being scrawny, wizened and not exactly spunky, next morning he had to have a glass of fortified wine, some sweet biscuits and other pick- me- ups before he could re- enter the world of the living. The experience gave the judge a bette idea of his capabilities than he had had before, and he began teaching his wife a calendar of saints’ days of the kind that schoolboys pore over looking for holidays which might have been made in Ravenna. As he now showed her, there wasn’t a day that wasn’t a saint’s day or rather every day had a multitude of them. Reverence for these demanded, as he demonstrated on various grounds, that man and woman should abstain from acts of congress. Then he threw in fasts, the four Ember days evening vigils for the Apostles and hundreds of othe saints, Fridays, Saturdays, the Lord’s Day, the whole o Lent, certain phases of the moon and endless other specia cases, no doubt assuming that the breaks from court- work he enjoyed from time to time applied just as much to women in bed. So this was how he managed things for a long time, with his wife becoming seriously depressed from being given at best a monthly treat, while he always kept a watchful eye on her just in case someone else gave her lessons about working days like the ones he had given her about saints’ days.

Since the next summer was very hot, Messer Ricciardo found himself wanting to go off to a beautiful property he had near Monte Nero, where he could relax and enjoy the air for a few days. With him he took his lovely wife To give her some entertainment while they were there one day he organized a fishing trip. The two of them sailed out on small boats to watch the spectacle, he on one with the fishermen, she on the other with some ladies. They were so captivated that they drifted several miles along the coast almost without realizing it. But while they were gazing in rapt attention, a sloop suddenly came on the scene, belonging to Paganino da Mare, a celebrated corsair of the time. Once it sighted the boats, it set a course straight for them. They were unable to get away fast enough and Paganino caught up with the boat with the ladies in it. As soon as he laid eyes on Messer Ricciardo’s beautiful wife, he stopped wanting any other booty, and whisked her into his sloop under the eyes of her husband, who was now on shore, and sailed away.

It doesn’t take much to imagine how upset the judge was by the sight, given that he was so jealous he was fearful of the very air she breathed. In Pisa and elsewhere, he started fruitlessly complaining about the criminal behaviour of corsairs, but without discovering who had carried off his wife, or where they had taken her.

When Paganino took in how beautiful she was, he felt that he was on to a good thing. Not having a wife, he thought he might hang on to her permanently and began gently soothing her tears, which were copious. He had long ago thrown away saints’ calendars and forgotten all about feast- days and holidays. That night he consoled her with some action, on the grounds that words had not helped much during the day. His consolations were so effective that the judge and his rules had gone entirely out of her head before they reached Monaco, and she began to have the time of her life with Paganino. And once he had got her there, he not only consoled her day and night, but honoured her as his wife.

After a while Messer Ricciardo got wind of the where abouts of his good lady. Ardently desiring to do something and believing that no one else could manage to do wha needed to be done, he made up his mind to go and ge her himself, being prepared to pay out any amount o money to recover her. So he set to sea and sailed to Monaco. Once there he caught sight of his wife, and she caught sight of him, as she reported back to Paganino that evening, also informing him what his intentions were When Messer Ricciardo saw Paganino the next morning he went up to him and quickly started an easy, friendly conversation with him, while Paganino pretended all the while not to recognize him and waited for him to get to the point. When he judged the moment had arrived deploying his best abilities in the most ingratiating way possible, Messer Ricciardo disclosed the reason why he had come to Monaco, begging Paganino to take as much money as he wanted and give him back the lady.

‘Sir,’ replied Paganino with a cheerful expression on his face, ‘you are very welcome here. My reply in brief is as follows: it is true I have a young woman in my house though I don’t know whether she’s your wife or someone else’s. I don’t know anything about her except what I’ve gathered from her during her stay with me. If you are he husband as you say, I’ll take you to her since you seem to me a likeable gentleman and I’m sure she’ll recognize you very well. If she says that the situation is as you say and wishes to go away with you, then, since I do love a likeable man such as you, you can give me the amount you yourself decide on for a ransom. But if the situation should be different, it would be indecent for you to try to take her from me, since I’ve got youth on my side and can hold a woman in my arms as well as any man, particularly one who is more attractive than any other girl I’ve ever seen.’

‘She certainly is my wife,’ said Messer Ricciardo, ‘as you’ll soon see if you take me to where she is. She’ll fling her arms round my neck straight away. So I won’t ask for the terms to be different from those you’ve thought up yourself.’

‘Let’s go then,’ said Paganino.

So they walked off to Paganino’s house and went into a reception- room, from where Paganino sent for her. She appeared from a chamber properly and neatly dressed and went over where Messer Ricciardo was waiting with Paganino. There she addressed only the sort of remarks to Messer Ricciardo that she might have made to any other stranger who had come with Paganino to his house. The judge, who was expecting to be given a rapturous welcome, was amazed.

‘Could it be,’ he began to wonder, ‘that depression and my protracted sufferings ever since I lost her have altered me so much that she doesn’t recognize me?’

‘Lady,’ he said, ‘taking you fishing has cost me dear No one has suffered as much as I have since I lost you and here you are seeming not to recognize me, given the unfriendly way you’re talking. Can’t you see that I’m your Messer Ricciardo, who’s come here to pay whatever sum is demanded by this fine gentleman in whose house we find ourselves, so that I can have you back and take you away from here? He’s being kind enough to restore you to me for a sum of my own choosing.’

The lady turned to him and gave him a faint smile.

‘Are you addressing me, sir?’ she asked. ‘You should check you’ve not mistaken me for somebody else. As fa as I’m concerned, I don’t recall ever seeing you before.’

‘It’s you who should check what you’re saying,’ said Messer Ricciardo. ‘Look at me properly. If you’re willing to do a little serious recalling, you’re bound to see tha I’m your very own Ricciardo da Chinzica.’

‘Sir, you’ll forgive me,’ said the lady, ‘but it’s not as right and proper as you imagine for me to give you a lengthy looking- over. All the same, I’ve looked at you enough to know that I’ve never seen you before.’

Messer Ricciardo imagined that she was acting in this way out of fear of Paganino and did not want to admi to knowing him in his presence. So, after a few moments he asked Paganino if he would be so kind as to let him speak with the lady alone in her chamber. Paganino said that he was happy to do so, on condition that he didn’start kissing her against her will. Then he told the lady to go with him into the chamber, listen to what he wanted to say and give him whatever reply she felt like.

Once the lady and Messer Ricciardo were in the chamber by themselves and had sat down, Messer Ricciardo began entreating her. ‘Oh, heart of my life, my own sweet soul, my one hope, don’t you recognize your Ricciardo, who loves you more than he loves himself? How can it be? Have I altered so much? Oh, lovely darling girl, at least give me a little look.’

The lady broke out laughing and wouldn’t let him go on. ‘You are very well aware,’ she said, ‘that I’ve not such a bad memory that I don’t know you are Messer Ricciardo da Chinzica, my husband. But you made a poor show of knowing me as long as I was with you. You’re not as wise as you want people to think you are, and you never were. If you had been, you really should have had the wit to see that I was young, fresh and frisky, and then have consequently acknowledged that young ladies require something else apart from food and clothing, though modesty forbids them to spell it out. But you know how you managed all that.

‘You shouldn’t have married, if you liked studying law more than studying your wife. Not that I thought you were much of a judge. You seemed more like a crier calling out holy days and feast- days, you knew them so well, not to mention fast- days and overnight vigils. Let me tell you that if you had given as many days off to the labourers working your lands as you did to the one who should have been working my little plot, you’d not have har vested one grain of corn. By chance I’ve met with this man here, chosen by God, because he shows a compas sionate concern for my young age. And I stay with him in this chamber, where no one knows what a feast- day is I mean those feast- days that you celebrated one afte another, piously serving the Lord in preference to the ladies. Saturdays don’t pass through that door, neithe do Fridays, vigils, Ember days or Lent, which just goes on and on. No, it’s all work, day and night, banging away all the time. As soon as the bell rang for matins this morn ing, there we were back at it, doing the same job again and again, as I know very well. So I intend to stay and work with him while I’m young, and keep feast- days and penances and fasts for when I’m old. Get out of here as soon as you can and good luck to you. Go and keep you saints’ days as much as you like without me.’

Messer Ricciardo’s distress at hearing her speak like this was unbearable.

‘Oh, sweet soul of mine,’ he said, when he realized she had finished, ‘what are you saying? Aren’t you bothered at all about your family’s honour or your own? Do you want to stay here as this fellow’s tart, living in mortal sin rather than be my wife in Pisa? He’ll get fed up with you and throw you out in total disgrace. But I’ll always hold you dear and you’ll always be the lawful mistress of my house, even if I didn’t want to be your husband. Oh please listen. Are you going to let this unbridled, immora lust make you forget your honour and forget me, when I love you more than my very life? Please, my dear love, don’t say things like that any more, just come away with me. Now that I know what you want, I’ll really make an effort from now on. So, sweetheart, change your mind, come away with me. I’ve been so miserable since you were carried off.’

‘Now that there’s nothing to be done about it,’ said the lady, ‘I don’t see how anyone apart from me can be squeamish over my honour. I just wish my family had been a bit more squeamish when they gave me to you! But since they didn’t bother about my honour then, I don’t intend to bother about theirs now. If my sin’s a mortar one, I’ll stay stuck in it like a pestle. So don’t you worry about me. And what’s more, let me tell you that I feel like Paganino’s wife here, while I felt like your tart in Pisa, what with lunar charts and geometric squarings having to align your planet and mine, while here Paganino has me in his arms all night, squeezing me, biting me, and the state he leaves me in God alone can tell you. Then you say you’ll make an effort. Doing what? Waiting for something to happen? Straightening it by hand? I can tell you’ve turned into a redoutable knight since I saw you last! Go on, do your best to come to life. But you can’t manage it. I don’t think you belong in this world, you look such a wasted, miserable little wimp. And another thing. If he leaves me – which I don’t think he’s inclined to do as long I want to stay with him – I’ve no intention of ever coming back to you. Squeeze you til you squeaked, and you still wouldn’t produce a spoonfu of sauce. That meant that when I was with you I just los out and paid out. I’m after better returns somewhere else To go back to where I started, I tell you there are no feast- days and no vigils here, where I intend to stay. So leave as quickly as you can, and the Lord be with you. I you don’t, I’ll start shouting that you’re forcing yoursel on me.’

Messer Ricciardo saw that the game was up, recogniz ing there and then the folly in marrying a young wife without the appropriate wherewithal. He left the chamber in a saddened, suffering state and spoke a lot of waffle to Paganino, which got him nowhere. In the end, he left the lady and returned empty- handed to Pisa. The blow affected his mind and, when he was walking around the city, if someone greeted him or asked him a question, he would only reply, ‘A horrid hole hates a holy day.’

It wasn’t long before he died. When Paganino heard knowing how much the lady loved him, he took her as his lawful wedded wife. Thereafter, with no thought fo holy days or vigils or Lent, they worked their patch as much as their limbs would let them, and had a wonderfu time together. TEpKSnd7t+M554XKJpYIqyQxPi7dMS1u5CLvViMI1ZCICr9BnjLDcn8gX1WN3S7M