"Nice share," the Bad-Anon leader said as Ralph finished his story. "As fellow Bad Guys, we've all felt what you're feeling. And we've come to terms with it."

Ralph glanced around the room at the other video game Bad Guys. There was Zombie, whose clothes (and skin) always seemed to be falling off... Cyborg, part man and part machine... Satine, with red skin, purple cape, and horns... and all kinds of other characters, big, small, scary, and not-so-scary. Every single one of them was nodding sympathetically.

"Really?" Ralph asked.

A huge, barrel-chested Russian wrestler raised his hand. "I am Bad Guy," he announced in a heavy accent. "I relate to you, Ralph." He shrugged. "I say to myself, 'You are Bad Guy. But that does not mean you are bad guy. ' "

Everyone in the room applauded.

"Right," Ralph mumbled uncertainly. "But, uh, you lost me there."

Zombie tried to explain. "Labels not make you happy— 'good','bad'—you must love you," he groaned.

"Yeah, inside here," Cyborg agreed as he reached into Zombie's chest and ripped out his heart.

"Whoa!" Ralph shouted a little too loudly, cringing at the sight of a dripping heart. Zombie wasn't hurt, of course. He just happened to be the sort of Bad Guy character whose heart could be ripped out. But Ralph found the whole display a little unsettling.

The Bad-Anon leader attempted to refocus the discussion. "Question, Ralph: we've been asking you to Bad-Anon for years now, and tonight you finally show up. Why is that?"

"I dunno," Ralph said, staring at the floor. "I just felt like coming. I suppose it has something to do with the fact that, well, today is the thirtieth anniversary of my game."

"Happy anniversary, Ralph!" Satine exclaimed. "Thanks, Satine,"Ralph replied with a nod. "But it's no big deal."

"No, Ralph—thirty years?" the Bad-Anon leader said, sounding a little surprised. "Not many games can claim that."

Zombie growled, "Zombie so jealous!"

"Jealous? Of what?" Ralph asked. "It's not like I've got anything to show for it."

The Russian wrestler disagreed. "Ralph, this not true. You, my friend, are really good Bad Guy!"

"But there's the thing," Ralph said. "I don't want to be the Bad Guy anymore."

Every Bad Guy in the room gasped. "Good heavens!" Satine exclaimed.

"You can't mess with the program, Ralph!" Cyborg warned. "You're not going Turbo, are you?"

"Turbo? No, I'm not going Turbo," Ralph replied hastily.

Even he knew that some kinds of behavior would never be acceptable. And going Turbo... well, that was one of them. Chaos and disaster were sure to follow. But was the situation really that serious?

"Come on, guys," Ralph continued. "Is it Turbo to want something better for your life?" "Yes!" Everyone replied together.

"Ralph," the group leader said in a soothing tone, "we can't change who we are, and the sooner we accept that, the better off your game and your life will be. Now let's close out with the Bad Guy Affirmation."

Together the group stood up, shut their eyes, and held hands. "I am Bad," they recited in unison. "And that's good. I will never be Good. And that's not bad. There's no one I'd rather be than me."

Ralph, however, stood with his eyes open and his mouth closed. He didn't believe a word of it. MLA0kxkOi0fi735eTRhShhxVFGJXGPsmoqsT2klYK8ShYubyqEPMwPROXR1hwzjV