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1.臭 鼬
“我们的地下室里有一只臭鼬，”打电话的人对警察调度员尖叫道。“我们怎样才能把它弄出来？”
“弄一些面包屑，”调度员说，“从地下室往外铺一条小道直到后院。然后将地下室的门打开。”
一段时间后，那位居民又将电话打了回来。“你们将它弄出来了吗？”调度员问。
“没有，”打电话的人答道，“现在那儿有两只臭鼬了。”
Skunk
"We have a skunk in the basement," shrieked the caller to the police dispatcher. "How can we get it out?"
"Take some bread crumbs," said the dispatcher, "and put down a trail from the basement out to the back yard. Then leave the cellar door open."
Sometime later the resident called back. "Did you get rid of it?" asked the dispatcher.
"No," replied the caller. "Now I have two skunks in there!"
2.搞错了
一位美国人，一位英格兰人和一位加拿大人在一场车祸中丧生。他们到达天堂的门口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解释说是搞错了。“每人给我五百美元，”他说，“我将把你们送回人间，就象什么都没有发生过一样。”
“成交!”美国人说。立刻，他发现自己毫不损伤地站在现场附近。
“其他人在哪儿？”一名医生问道。
“我离开之前，”那名美国人说，“我看见英格兰人正在砍价，而那名加拿大人正在分辩说应该由他的政府来出这笔钱。”
A Mistake
An Amercian, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peterexplained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."
"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.
"Where are the others?" asked a medic.
"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was huggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."
3.好消息和坏消息
“有好消息，也有坏消息，”离婚律师告诉他的当事人。
“我总能利用一些好消息吧，”当事人吧了口气说，“是什么好消息？”
“你妻子没有要求将你未来的继承财产也划入裁决的范围。”
“那么坏消息呢？”
“离婚以后，她将与你父亲结婚。”
Good News And Bad News
"There's good news and bad news," the divorce lawyer told his client.
"I could sure use some good news," sighed the client. "What's it?"
"Your wife isn't demanding that your future inheritances be included in the settlement."
"And the bad news?"
"After the divorce, she's marrying your father."
4.绝 配
一位富婆为拥有一只珍贵的古玩而深感骄傲，以至于她竟要把卧室漆成与花瓶同样的颜色。几名油漆匠试图调出这个底色，但是谁也没有能令那位怪癖的妇女满意。
最后来了位油漆匠。他非常自信能调出那种颜色。那妇女对他的成果非常满意，油漆匠于是一举成名。
多年以后，他退休了，生意也交给儿子。“爸，”儿子说，“有件事我得弄清楚，您是怎样使墙的颜色与花瓶配得那么绝的？”
“儿子，”父亲回答说，“我漆了花瓶。”
Perfect Match
A wealthy matron is so proud of a valuable antique vase that she decides to have her bedroom painted the same color as the vase. Several painters try to match the shade, but none comes close enough to satisfy the eccentric woman.
Eventually, a painter approaches who is confident he can mix the proper color. The woman is pleased with the result, and the painter becomes famous.
Years later, he retires and truns the business over to his son. "Dad," says the son, "there's something I've got to know. How did you get those walls to match the vase so perfectly?"
"Son," the father replies, "I painted the vase."
5.耐 性
垂钓者：你已经盯着看了三个小时了，你干嘛不自己亲自钓呢？
旁观者：我没那耐性。
Patience
Angler: You've been watching me for three hours now. Why don't you try yourself?
Onlooker: I haven't got the patience.
6.世界上最伟大的击剑手
在一场世界最佳击剑手表演中，排名第三的击剑手上场了。一只苍蝇放了出来，剑划了一个弧，他将苍蝇劈成了两半。观众欢呼起来。紧接着排名第二的人将一只苍蝇切成了四半。现场一阵沉默，人们期盼着世界上最伟大的击剑手出场。
他的剑锋以一个巨大的弧线划了下来－－然而那只昆虫还在继续飞行!观众被惊呆了。最伟大的击剑手完全错过了他的目标，然而他还在微笑着。
“你为什么这么高兴？”有人嚷道，“你没击中!”
“啊，”剑手答道，“你刚才没有很仔细地看。苍蝇还活着，是的－－但他永远也做不成爸爸了。”
The World's Greatest Swordsman
At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.
His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.
"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"
"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."
7.只有一次
一位驯狮新手正在接受采访。“我知道你的父亲也是个驯狮手，”记者说。
“他过去是。”那人回答说。
“你真的把头伸进过狮子的嘴里吗？”
“只有一次，”那位驯狮新手说，“为了找我爸爸。”
Only Once
A novice lion tamer was being interviewed. "I understand your father was also a lion tamer," the reporter queried.
"Yes, he was," the man replied.
"Do you actually put your head in the lion's mouth?"
"I did it only once," said the new tamer, "to look for Dad."
8.追星族
从小时候起，我就一直被明星所深深吸引，因此不久以前当我在纽约第五大街上认出演员厄内斯特.波格尼向我迎面走过来时，我欣喜若狂，完全不知该说什么好。“怎么，你是厄内斯特.波格尼!”我想法迸出一句话来。
“是的，”他很有礼貌地点了点头，说道：“我知道。”
Starstruck
I have been starstruck since I was a little girl, so I was delighted and practically speechless not long ago when I spotted the actor Ernest Borgnine walking in my direction on New York's Fifth Avenue. "Why, you're Ernest Borgnine!" I managed to blurt out.
"Yes," he said, nodding politely, "I know."