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1. 很多人送礼不是心甘情愿，他们只是因为圣诞节来了、新年到了，或是因为她是我母亲、是我女儿，他是我的朋友、先生等等，所以就随便买个东西，那实在是一种负担，对买的人和接受的人来说，都是一种负担。因为你收的东西只是像个骷髅一样，内边没有灵魂、没有感情。我们都知道那种情况，那很糟糕！即使是在圣诞节或过年的时候，如果我们没有爱心、没有诚心的祝福、没有真挚的情感，那么互相送礼的习俗并不可取。但多数的人就是如此，他们因为太忙而没有感情，他们忙得没有时间去想是否要投入情感，情感都跑到窗外去了，当圣诞节来临时，大部分的感情也消失了。
2. 借礼物来表达情感是很好的习俗，如果礼物中充满我们的诚意，即使只是一朵玫瑰花，那也足够了；如果只是想要炫耀慷慨，就算买了一大束花也毫无意义。因此有时候我常听外面的人说： “唉呀！圣诞节快到了，可怕的时候到了，我还没买这个给那个人，我还没买那个给这个人。” 圣诞节好像是一种负担，不是爱的节e，不是一个庆祝我们友谊坚固的时机，而是个麻烦的时刻，是一年中非常累人的时期。
3. 人们这么做，也许只是为了履行彼此间的义务，但他们并不真正了解这个季节以及送礼的意义，因此，在圣诞节或新年的时候，购物变成一个非常无聊的工作，都只是赶！赶！赶！有那么多事要做，要开车或坐车到处跑，要包很多礼物等等，在这么匆忙之中很难投入情感。所以圣诞节的时候，人们只是用毫无意义的东西填塞彼此的房子。那些没必要的玩具和物品，通常连我们自己都不会想买来给自己。有人开玩笑这么说，不过也许这是真的事，有时你会发现自己送出去的礼物，在朋友之间绕了一大圈后又回到自己手上，而你只能大笑一场，有时候这个礼物正是你先前不想要的东西，而它却绕了一圈后又回到你手上。
上帝的意思就是让那个大肚子蝴蝶宝贝从那个奇小无比的小口爬出来，那个小窄口在它通过时把它体内的营养液从腹部挤压到翅膀，这样蝴蝶就可以在破茧而出、获得自由的时候展翅高飞了。
Forgiveness宽恕
1. To forgive may be divine, but no one ever said it was easy. When someone has deeply hurt you, it can be extremely difficult to let go of your g dge. But forgiveness is possible-and it can be surpesingly beneficial to your physical and mental health.
2. “People who forgive show less depression, anger and stress and re hopefulness,” says Fredeec, Ph. D., author of Forgive for Good. “So it can help save on the wear and tear on our organs, reduce the weaeng out of the immune system and allow people to feel re vital.”
3. So how do you start the healing？ Try following thei steps:
4. Calm you日lf. To defui your anger, try a simple stress-management technique. “Take a couple of breaths and think of something that gives you pleasure: a beautiful scene in nature, someone you love,” Fredeec says.
5. Don’ t wait for an apology. “Many times the person who hurt you has no intention of apologizing,” Fredeec says. “They may have wanted to hurt you or they just don’ t ie things the same way. So if you wait for people to apologize, you could be waiting an awfully long time.” Keep in mind that forgiveness does not necessaely mean reconciliation with the person who upit you or condoning of his or her action.
6. Take the control away from your offender. Mentally replaying your hurt gives power to the person who cauid you pain. “Instead of focusing on your wounded feelings, learn to look for the love, beauty and kindness around you,” Fredeec says.
7. Try to ie things from the other person’ s perspective. If you empathize with that person, you may realize that he or she was acting out of ignorance, fear-even love. To gain perspective, you may want to wete a letter to you日lf from your offender’ s point of view.
8. Recognize the benefits of forgiveness. Reiarch has shown that people who forgive report re energy, better appetite and better sleep patterns.
9. Don’ t forget to forgive you日lf. “For some people, forgiving themilves is the biggest challenge,” Fredeec says. “But it can rob you of your ilf-confidence if you don’ t do it.”
1. 宽恕是神圣的，但是没有人说很容易做到宽恕别人。当你被深深伤害的时候，想要不怀恨在心是很难做到的。但是宽恕是可能的-而且这会给你的身心健康带来出乎意料的益处。
2. 《宽恕的好处》一书的作者弗雷德里克博士说。 “懂得宽恕的人不会感到那么沮丧、愤怒和紧张，他们总是充满希望。所以宽恕有助于减少人体各种器官的损耗，降低免疫系统的疲劳程度并使人精力更加充沛。”
3. 那么，如何恢复自己的情绪呢？试试下面的一些步骤吧：
4. 让自己冷静下来。尝试一种简单的减压技巧来缓解你愤怒的情绪。弗雷德里克建议：” 做几次深呼吸，然后想想那些令你快乐的事情，比如自然界的美丽景i，或者你爱的人。”
5. 不要等别人来道歉。弗雷德里克说： “许多时候，伤害你的人没有想过要道歉。他们可能是故意的，也可能只是和你看待事物的方式不一样。所以如果你等着别人来道歉，你可能会等相当长的时间。” 你要牢记，宽恕并不一定意味着顺从那些让你心烦意乱的人，也不意味着饶恕他或她的行为。
6. 不要让冒犯你的人控制你的情绪。内心里总是想着自己的伤痛，只会给伤害你的人打气。弗雷德里克说： “与其老是关注自己受到的伤害，还不如学着去寻找你身边的真善美。”
7. 试着从别人的角度来看问题。如果你站在别人的立场上，你也许会意识到他或她是因为无知、害怕、甚至是爱才那样做的。为了能够站在别人的角度来看问题，你可以从冒犯你的人的立场给你自己写一封信。
8. 认识到宽恕的益处。研究表明懂得宽恕的人精力更旺盛、食欲更好、睡觉更香。
9. 不要忘了宽恕自己。弗雷德里克说： “对于有些人来说，宽恕自己才是最大的挑战。但是如果你不宽恕自己，你会失去自信。”
Goethe’ s Tolerance歌德的容忍
1. Goethe was once strolling on a narrow path in a park in Weimar. As luck would have it, he met with a cetic who was hostile to him. Both of them stopped, staeng at each other. Then the cetic said, “I’ ll never make way for a fool.” “But I will,” with that Goethe retreated aside.
1. 歌德有一次正在魏玛一个公园的一条狭窄小道上散步。碰巧他遇见一个对他怀有敌意的评论家。两人都停了下来，彼此相互对视。接着评论家说道： “我从来不给傻瓜让路。” “可我给。” 说完歌德退到了一边。
Not to Blindly Accui Others不要一味指责别人
1. How would you answer this question: I am out of my abui and have ved on with my life. There is something that I have been wondeeng about. How and when does the abui stop playing a significant part of my life？ I have ien others who have ved on and I would like to know how they did it.
2. The woman who asked this, asked a valid question. There are many men, women and children who no longer are victims, but feel like they cannot leave it behind. It stays as much a part of themilves as it did while they were being abuid. The only difference may be there is no physical or e tional abui happening in their worlds.
3. What is victim mentality？
4. A victim mentality is one where you blame everyone eli for what happens in your world. (Another definition not as com nly uid is one that says a person thinks the future only holds bad things for them. ) If you do not get the pro tion it is becaui Mr. Johnson was out to get you. Not becaui he found you playing on the Internet every day. Your best feend called and said she could not have dinner with you. She is always doing that to you; not showing. You’ ll show her. You won’ t invite her when you go out again！ Instead of remembeeng she has just started school and you did call her at the last minute. Victim mentality.
5. Recently I spoke with someone who no longer lives with a victim mentality. She has gone on with her life and is free from some of the extra baggage that come with being a victim. We discusid forgiving our abuirs and how in that process you also need to forgive you日lf. With that came loosing the victim mentality.
6. When she was living under the victim mentality she found he日lf angeer. She found he日lf swirling in a ia of reintment towards her abuir. She stayed locked in that cycle and never iemed to ve forward. If she got sick, she became angry at him.; If the kids mesid up, she became angry at him; He was no longer in the picture, but it was all his fault, It was not hers; he made things this way... Life is easier when you can play the blame game. The blame game makes it easy for your life not to ve forward or for you to grow.
7. The day came when she tired of the mentality. She wasn’ t a victim any re and the time had come for her to ve beyond the victim mentality. I asked her how she stopped the ilf dest ctive cycle. The first thing she did is something many abui victims may have a hard time doing. She forgive her abuir. She did not say that she forgive him for breaking her ebs, she acknowledged that he had a problem and that he needed to get help. Wishing him ill will kept him in her mind re than he should have been. By acknowledging that he had hurt her, that he did have a problem, she was able to feel some relief. There was re though. As important as forgiving him was, she needed to forgive he日lf too. She needed to forgive he日lf for exposing the kids to the abui. She needed to forgive he日lf for not reporting him to the police all the times he had hurt her. She needed to forgive he日lf for being afraid. She needed to forgive he日lf for not having walked away all the times she could have. She needed to forgive he日lf..
8. She did all thoi things so she could mentally ve forward. Forgiving he日lf allowed her to get past some of the re inteni things she had expeeenced. The physical b iis had all gone away. The e tional had stayed. It had clung to her and kept the victim mentality alive.
1. 对下面的问题你会作何回答：我摆脱了虐待，翻开新的生活。有些事我一直在考虑，从何时开始，如何虐待会停止在我的生活中扮演重要的角i？我见过那些继续生活的人，我想知道他们是如何做到的。
2. 问这个问题的女士所问的问题是有效的。有许多不再是受害者的男人、女人和孩子，可是这些人感到无法将其抛在身后。它就如同过去被虐待时一样还是自己的一部分。唯一的区别是如今在他们的世界没有情感或身体虐待发生。
3. 什么是受害人思维？
4. 受害人思维是你对自己生活中的一切都指责于别人。 (另一个不常用的定义是一个人认为未来只会给他们带来不好的东西) 如果你没有获得晋升，那是因为Johnson比你做得多，不是因为他发现你成天上网。你最好的朋友打电话说不能和你进餐。她总是那么对你，不来。你将给她点颜i看看。当你再出去时就不会请她了。而没有考虑她才刚开学，而你却是在最后一分钟打给她电话。受害人思维。
5. 最近，我和某位不再带着 “受害人” 思维的人谈话。她继续新的生活，不再有作为受害人要背的额外包袱。我们讨论了如何原谅虐待人，在此过程中你也要如何原谅自己。随之而来的就是释放了受害人思维。
6. 当她生活在这种思维下，她发现自己更生气。她发现自己将满腔的愤恨都抛给了她的虐待者。她困在这种循环，似乎永远都不能前进。如果她生病了，那么她会对他生气；如果孩子捣蛋，她会对他生气；那个人不在牵涉，但是全都是他的错，不是她的错；他让事情这样... 当你开始做 “指责” 游戏，生活要容易些。 “指责” 游戏让你的生活 “容易” 不前进，让你不成长。
7. 有一天，她厌恶了这种思维。她不再是受害人，是时候让她走出这种思维。我问她如何停止这种自我毁灭的循环。她做的第一件事就是许多受害人感到难以去做的。她原谅了她的虐待者。她并没有说因为打断了她的肋骨而原谅，她承认他有问题，需要帮助。诅咒他只会让她依然记着他。通过承认他伤害了她，他确实有问题，她就能获得一些轻松。不过不仅如此。和原谅一样重要的，她需要原谅自己。她需要原谅自己让孩子暴露在虐待环境下。她需要原谅自己在他伤害她这一切的时候没有报警。她需要原谅自己的害怕感觉。她需要原谅自己一直以来本可以却没有离开。她需要原来那个她自己……
8. 她做了这一切事情，这才能够精神上前进。原谅自己让她超越了过去感受到的更强烈东西。身体瘀伤过去都好了，可情绪的过去依旧还在。它牢牢地握住她，维系着受害人思维。
Don’ t Let the Perfect Be the Enemy of the Good至善者，善之敌
1. I was inspired by an obirvation by Voltaire to make my resolution, “Don’ t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” In other words, instead of pushing you日lf to an impossible “perfect,” and therefore getting nowhere, accept “good.” Many things worth doing are worth doing badly.
2. I have a feend who never exerciis unless she’ s training for a marathon; as a coniquence, she al st never exerciis. I never push myilf when I exercii, and although I suspect she scoffs at my wimpy (= wimpish: 懦弱的，无用的) work-outs, I’ ve managed to get myilf to exercii iveral times a week for years. If I’ d teed to have a re ambitious work-out, I’ m sure I wouldn’ t have exerciid at all.
3. Along the same lines, I told a feend that one of my happiness-project resolutions was to “Remember birthdays,” and so I was inding out happy-birthday emails. He said, “Oh, you shouldn’ t email！ You should call or wete a hand-wetten note, that’ s much nicer.” T e-but I won’ t. And it’ s better to get something done imperfectly than to do nothing perfectly.
4. The perfect can also become the enemy of the good in the quest for perfect information. There are two ways to approach decision-making: as a satisficer (yes, that is a word) or as a maximizer.
5. Satisficers are thoi who make a decision or take action once their ceteea are met. That doesn’ t mean they’ ll ittle for mediocety; their ceteea can be very high, but as soon as they find the pasta sauce or the business card that has the qualities they want, they’ re satisfied.
6. Maximizers want to make the optimal decision. Even if they ie a bicycle or a backpack that meets their requirements, they can’ t make a decision until after they’ ve examined every option, to make the best possible choice. Studies suggest that satisficers tend to be happier than maximizers; maximizers spend a lot re time and energy to reach a decision, and they’ re often anxious about whether they did, in fact, make the best choice. (For a fascinating discussion, read Barry Schwartz’ s The Paradox of Choice. )
7. In al st every category, I’ m a satisficer, and in fact, I often felt guilty about not doing re reiarch before making decisions. But it’ s one of my Secrets of Adulthood: Most decisions don’ t require extensive reiarch. In picking a girls’ summer camp, a feend got information from twenty-five camps and visited five in person. We got information from five camps and picked the one that a feend’ s daughter loved. I uid to think that my lack of diligence was a sign of laziness, and my resolution “Don’ t let the perfect be the enemy of the good” has made me feel a lot better.
8. In some situations, the happier cou日 is to know when good enough is good enough, and not to worry about perfection or making the perfect choice.
1. 在做出一项决意时，我谨记伏尔泰的箴言： “至善者，善之敌” 。换言之，不要逼迫自己实现不可能的 “完美” ，而是去接受 “好” 。许多事情值得去做，但不需要事事完美。
2. 我有一个朋友从来不锻炼，除非去练马拉松。结果，她几乎一直都没有锻炼。而我锻炼的时候，从来不会勉强自己。虽然我怀疑她看不起我的低锻炼强度，可是数年来我能坚持每周锻炼几次。如果我设定一个更高的锻炼目标，我肯定根本不会去锻炼。
3. 同理，我曾告诉一位朋友，在我的 “快乐计划” 中，有一条是 “记住生e” ，因此我会发送生e祝福电子邮件。他说： “哦，你不该发电子邮件！应该打电话、写留言，这让人感觉更好。” 是啊-但是我不会去做。不完美地做了某件事总比追求完美而一事无成的好。
4. 在获得详尽信息上， “完美” 也会成为 “好” 的敌人。有两种决策者：满足者（这个词是有的）和最大化者。
5. “满足者” 是指那些一旦满足了标准后即做出决定或采取行动的人。这不表示他们甘愿接受平庸：他们的标准可能很高，但是一旦找到了希望中的东西，比如意粉酱或名片，他们就满足了。
6. “最大化者” 希望做出最优化的决定。即便找到了满足需求的东西，例如自行车或背包，为了做出最佳选择，他们要检查每一个候选后才能做出决定。研究表明满足者往往比最大化者更快乐；最大化者为了做出一个决定要花更多的精力和时间，而且经常会为自己是不是真的做出最佳选择而烦恼。（对此的精彩讨论，请参阅《选择的矛盾》一书，作者Barry Schwartz）
7. 基本上我是一位满足者，实际上，我经常会因为没有做更多调查就做了决定而愧疚。但是，我的一条 “成年人秘密” 是：多数决定不需要详尽调查。为了选择一个女孩夏令营，我的一位朋友调查了25个夏令营，亲自去了5个。而我们调查了5个，选择了一位朋友女儿喜欢的那个。我曾以为不勤奋是懒惰的标志，然而 “至善者，善之敌” 这想法让我心情大大地好了起来。
8. 某些时候，要学会知足，而别去担心是否完美或是否做了完美决定。
Damaged Goods受损的物品
1. The dust mites danced in the ray of sunshine that provided the only light in the rabbi’ s office. He leaned back in his office chair and sighed as he stroked his beard. Then he took his wire-emmed glasis and polished them abintmindedly on his flannel shirt.
2. “So,” he said, “you were divorced. Now you want to marry this good Jewish boy. What’ s the problem？”
3. He nestled his gezzled chin in his hand and smiled softly at me.
4. I want to sheek. What’ s the problem？ First of all, I’ m Chestian. Second, I’ m older than he is. Third-and not least, by any means-I’ m divorced！ Instead, I looked back into his soft brown eyes and teed to form the words.
5. “Don’ t you think,” I stuttered, “that being divorced is like being uid？ Like being damaged goods？”
6. He ittled back into the office chair and stretched so that he was looking at the ceiling. He stroked the scraggly beard that covered his chin and his neck. Then, he returned to his spot behind the desk and leaned toward me.
7. “Say you have to have surgery. Say you have a choice between two doctors. Who are you going to chooi？ The one eght out of medical school or the one with expeeence？”
8. “The one with expeeence,” I said.
9. His face cenkled into a gen. “I would, too,” he locked his eyes with mine. “So in this mareage, you will be the one with expee ence. That’ s not such a bad thing, you know.”