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A Bachelor's Complaint of the Behaviour of Married People
As a single man, I have spent a good deal of my time in noting down the infirmities of Married People, to console myself for those superior pleasures, which they tell me I have lost by remaining as I am.
我是个单身汉，那些结了婚的人告诉我说，因为单身，我失去了许多非常美妙的乐趣。我每天花去大把的时间来记录已婚人士的缺点，作为自我慰藉。
I cannot say that the quarrels of men and their wives ever made any great impression upon me, or had much tendency to strengthen me in those anti—social resolutions, which I took up long ago upon more substantial considerations. What oftenest offends me at the houses of married persons where I visit, is an error of quite a different description; —it is that they are too loving.
我不能说男人们和他们老婆之间的争吵给我留下了任何好印象，也不能说这就在多大程度上助长了我的反社会心理。其实我当年下决心单身是出于更加实质性的考虑。我去已婚人士家中造访时经常反感的是一种截然不同的错误——他们太恩爱了。
Not too loving neither: that does not explain my meaning. Besides, why should that offend me? The very act of separating themselves from the rest of the world, to have the fuller enjoyment of each other's society, implies that they prefer one another to all the world.
也不是说太恩爱，我不是那个意思。而且，他们恩爱为什么会让我反感呢？他们完全将自己与外界隔开，以便更充分地享受二人世界的乐趣。这一点说明他们对彼此的爱慕超越了世间的一切。
But what I complain of is, that they carry this preference so undisguisedly, they perk it up in the faces of us single people so shamelessly, you cannot be in their company a moment without being made to feel, by some indirect hint or open avowal, that you are not the object of this preference. Now there are some things which give no offence, while implied or taken for granted merely; but expressed, there is much offence in them. If a man were to accost the first homely—featured or plain—dressed young woman of his acquaintance, and tell her bluntly, that she was not handsome or rich enough for him, and he could not marry her, he would deserve to be kicked for his ill manners; yet no less is implied in the fact, that having access and opportunity of putting the question to her, he has never yet thought fit to do it. The young woman understands this as clearly as if it were put into words; but no reasonable young woman would think of making this the ground of a quarrel. Just as little right have a married couple to tell me by speeches, and looks that are scarce less plain than speeches, that I am not the happy man, the lady's choice. It is enough that I know I am not: I do not want this perpetual reminding.
但我所不满的是，他们这般卿卿我我也太不加掩饰了。他们当着我们这些单身人士的面，就这样恬不知耻地大秀恩爱。只要跟他们在一起，他们就会用一些明言或暗示时时刻刻让你感到你就得不到这般爱意。有些事情，大家只要心照不宣或习以为常也不会招人反感。但一经挑明，就非常惹人讨厌了。如果一位男士遇见自己认识的一位姿色平庸或衣着朴素的年轻姑娘，便唐突地告诉人家说她不够漂亮或是不够有钱，所以不能娶她。就冲这样的无礼行为，他被揍一顿都不为过。但是，如果他既可以有机会向她求婚，却迟迟不做表示，那么个中意思也表达得很清楚了。即使没有明说，人家姑娘也会心知肚明。但凡讲点道理的姑娘，都不可能因为这个而大吵大闹。同样，已婚夫妇也不该靠语言或者几乎和语言一样清晰达意的表情来告诉我，我不是那位姑娘的意中人。我知道自己不是，这就可以了，我可不想要这种没完没了的提醒。
The display of superior knowledge or riches may be made sufficiently mortifying; but these admit of a palliative. The knowledge which is brought out to insult me, may accidentally improve me; and in the rich man's houses and pictures, —his parks and gardens, I have a temporary usufruct at least. But the display of married happiness has none of these palliatives: it is throughout pure, unrecompensed, unqualified insult.
在人前炫耀自己知识胜人一筹或财富高人一等也够让人家没面子的了，但至少这也还有些益处。向我卖弄学问，本来是要羞辱我，但我却恰好也可以从中得到长进。富翁的豪宅名画和庭院花园，至少也能怡我一时之情。但是，在我面前大秀婚后恩爱就一点好处都没有了——这是彻头彻尾的、纯粹的、毫无益处的、十足的羞辱。
Marriage by its best title is a monopoly, and not of the least invidious sort. It is the cunning of most possessors of any exclusive privilege to keep their advantage as much out of sight as possible, that their less favoured neighbours, seeing little of the benefit, may the less be disposed to question the right. But these married monopolists thrust the most obnoxious part of their patent into our faces.
说到底，婚姻不过是一种独占权，而且极易招人反感。享有任何特权的人往往都很精明，尽量不让别人看见自己得了什么好处。他们那些未享受特权的邻居并没见到他们的获益，便也不太容易会质问他们的特权。但是，那些结了婚的专利拥有者却将他们专利里最惹人厌的部分横插到我们面前。
Nothing is to me more distasteful than that entire complacency and satisfaction which beam in the countenances of a new—married couple, —in that of the lady particularly: it tells you, that her lot is disposed of in this world: that you can have no hopes of her. It is true, I have none; nor wishes either, perhaps: but this is one of those truths which ought, as I said before, to be taken for granted, not expressed.
我最看不惯的就是新婚夫妇脸上散发出来的那种完全自得意满的神情，特别是妻子脸上的神情——那好像是在告诉你，她名花有主了，你死心吧。其实，我对她根本就没有什么企图，甚至连想法都没有。但是，正如我之前所说的，遵循其中一条真理：大家对这类事情心知肚明就好，不必言明。
The excessive airs which those people give themselves, founded on the ignorance of us unmarried people, would be more offensive if they were less irrational. We will allow them to understand the mysteries belonging to their own craft better than we who have not had the happiness to be made free of the company: but their arrogance is not content within these limits. If a single person presume to offer his opinion in their presence, though upon the most indifferent subject, he is immediately silenced as an incompetent person. Nay, a young married lady of my acquaintance, who, the best of the jest was, had not changed her condition above a fortnight before, in a question on which I had the misfortune to differ from her, respecting the properest mode of breeding oysters for the London market, had the assurance to ask with a sneer, how such an old Bachelor as I could pretend to know any thing about such matters.
那些人表现得气焰嚣张是因为他们觉得我们这些未婚者什么都不懂。如果他们的张扬是刻意为之的话，会让我们更厌恶。我们可以接受他们对属于自己领域的奥妙了解得比我们这些没能幸福地拥有伴侣的人深刻。但是，他们的嚣张气焰不愿到此为止。如果一个单身的人试图在他们面前发表自己的意见，哪怕和婚姻毫无干系，也会立刻被堵住话头，就像他不够格一样。更有甚者，我不幸与认识的一位年轻已婚女士在针对伦敦市场如何适当地养殖牡蛎这个问题上持不同看法，她居然冷笑着信心满满地质问我一个老光棍在这类事上充什么内行。最可笑的是，她自己脱离单身状态也不过半个月。
But what I have spoken of hitherto is nothing to the airs which these creatures give themselves when they come, as they generally do, to have children. When I consider how little of a rarity children are, —that every street and blind alley swarms with them, —that the poorest people commonly have them in most abundance, —that there are few marriages that are not blest with at least one of these bargains, —how often they turn out ill, and defeat the fond hopes of their parents, taking to vicious courses, which end in poverty, disgrace, the gallows, &c. —I cannot for my life tell what cause for pride there can possibly be in having them. If they were young phoenixes, indeed, that were born but one in a year, there might be a pretext. But when they are so common—I do not advert to the insolent merit which they assume with their husbands on these occasions.
不过，我前面讲的与他们有了孩子后的样子相比，就不算什么了。而且他们通常总是会要孩子的。我认为孩子没什么好稀罕的：每条街上和死胡同里都蜂拥着孩子；最贫穷的人家里通常孩子最多；只要结婚了，托上天的福，至少会有一个小孩；而且，小孩长大后常常变坏，破灭了父母的殷切期望，走上邪路，最后穷困潦倒，毫无尊严，甚至上了绞刑架，诸如此类，我可说不出来有孩子有什么可骄傲的。若他们是一年只出一个的人中的龙凤，那就要另说了。但是，若他们尽是些平庸之辈——这种情况下，那些女人在她们丈夫面前居功自傲的神气，我就不说了。
Let them look to that. But why we, who are not their natural—born subjects, should be expected to bring our spices, myrrh, and incense, —our tribute and homage of admiration, —I do not see.
随她们去吧。但是，我们又不是她们天生的臣民，凭什么要捧着香料、没药和乳香作为我们膜拜的贡品以表达敬意，我想不通。
"Like as the arrows in the hand of the giant, even so are the young children. " so says the excellent office in our Prayer—book appointed for the churching of women. "Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them. " So say I; but then don't let him discharge his quiver upon us that are weaponless; —let them be arrows, but not to gall and stick us. I have generally observed that these arrows are double—headed: they have two forks, to be sure to hit with one or the other. As for instance, when you come into a house which is full of children, if you happen to take no notice of them (you are thinking of something else, perhaps, and turn a deaf ear to their innocent caresses), you are set down as untractable, morose, a hater of children. On the other hand, if you find them more than usually engaging, if you are taken with their pretty manners, and set about in earnest to romp and play with them, some pretext or other is sure to be found for sending them out of the room: they are too noisy or boisterous, or Mr. —does not like children. With one or other of these forks the arrow is sure to hit you.
“儿童如巨人手中之箭” ——祈祷书中有关妇女行安产感谢礼精彩的祷文里这么说。 “箭囊充盈的都是有福之人。” 我这么说；但是不要让他们针对手无寸铁的我们拿出箭囊——让箭囊里装满箭吧，但是不要让这些箭蹭到、扎到我们。我大致观察过，那些箭都是双头的：它们有两个尖头，这样两个中肯定会有一个命中目标。比如，你进了一个挤满了孩子的屋子，而你碰巧没注意到他们（也许当时你正在想别的事，可能没理会他们天真的亲热举止），那你就会落下个不近人情、孤僻怪异、讨厌孩子的名声。另一方面，如果你觉得他们可爱的举动出奇地惹人喜爱，真诚地想要和他们一起嬉戏玩闹，大人们准会找个借口把他们赶出房间：比如，他们太吵或太闹，或者某某先生不喜欢小孩子。箭上那两个尖头，总有一个会刺中你。
I could forgive their jealousy, and dispense with toying with their brats, if it gives them any pain; but I think it unreasonable to be called upon to love them, where I see no occasion, —to love a whole family, perhaps, eight, nine, or ten, indiscriminately, to love all the pretty dears, because children are so engaging.
我可以原谅他们这种嫉妒心理，而且可以不和他们的孩子玩，如果那样做会惹他们不高兴的话。但是，我觉得毫无理由时，还要让我去喜爱他们——要爱那一大家子，可能有八九个，或者十个人，还要不偏不倚地喜欢所有这些可爱的小家伙，因为他们个个都很可爱——这就说不通了。
I know there is a proverb, "Love me, love my dog. " that is not always so very practicable, particularly if the dog be set upon you to tease you or snap at you in sport. But a dog or a lesser thing—any inanimate substance, as a keep—sake, a watch or a ring, a tree, or the place where we last parted when my friend went away upon a long absence, I can make shift to love, because I love him, and any thing that reminds me of him; provided it be in its nature indifferent, and apt to receive whatever hue fancy can give it. But children have a real character and an essential being of themselves: they are amiable or unamiable per se; I must love or hate them as I see cause for either in their qualities. A child's nature is too serious a thing to admit of its being regarded as a mere appendage to another being, and to be loved or hated accordingly: they stand with me upon their own stock, as much as men and women do. O! but you will say, sure it is an attractive age, there is something in the tender years of infancy that of itself charms us. That is the very reason why I am more nice about them. I know that a sweet child is the sweetest thing in nature, not even excepting the delicate creatures which bear them; but the prettier the kind of a thing is, the more desirable it is that it should be pretty of its kind. One daisy differs not much from another in glory; but a violet should look and smell the daintiest. —I was always rather squeamish in my women and children. But this is not the worst: one must be admitted into their familiarity at least, before they can complain of inattention. It implies visits, and some kind of intercourse. But if the husband be a man with whom you have lived on a friendly footing before marriage, if you did not come in on the wife's side, —if you did not sneak into the house in her train, but were an old friend in fast habits of intimacy before their courtship was so much as thought on, —look about you—your tenure is precarious—before a twelve—month shall roll over your head, you shall find your old friend gradually grow cool and altered towards you, and at last seek opportunities of breaking with you. I have scarce a married friend of my acquaintance, upon whose firm faith I can rely, whose friendship did not commence after the period of his marriage. With some limitations they can endure that: but that the good man should have dared to enter into a solemn league of friendship in which they were not consulted, though it happened before they knew him, —before they that are now are man and wife ever met, —this is intolerable to them. Every long friendship, every old authentic intimacy, must he brought into their office to be new stamped with their currency, as a sovereign Prince calls in the good old money that was coined in some reign before he was born or thought of, to be new marked and minted with the stamp of his authority, before he will let it pass current in the world. You may guess what luck generally befalls such a rusty piece of metal as I am in these new mintings.
我知道有句谚语叫 “爱我，爱我的狗。” 但这总是不那么容易实施，尤其是这狗开玩笑似的扑到你身上来逗你或咬你时。但是，如果我有个朋友将要远行，那么一条狗，或是更小的东西——任何没有生命的东西——比如一个纪念品、一块手表、一只戒指、一棵树，或是我和朋友告别的地方，都能让我喜爱，因为我爱那个人，所以我爱一切能让我想起他的东西。只要那些东西本身没有感情，可以接受任何色调的想象就行。但是，孩子有真实的性格和自己的本质：他们本身要么可爱，要么不可爱。我也只能根据他们的性格喜爱或讨厌他们。孩子的本质是件非常严肃的事，不仅不能认为他们是其他人的附属物，也不能因而，根据对其他人的好恶相应地喜爱或讨厌他们。在我看来，他们像世上所有的男男女女一样，是独立存在的。噢！你一定会说，那是一个吸引人的时期，童年稚嫩的年华本身就有让我们着迷的地方。这就是我对他们更加友好的确切原因。我知道一个可爱的孩子是自然中最甜蜜的事物，甚至这个孩子的母亲也比不上。但是，一类事物越是可爱，人们便越希望这类事物的每个个体都可爱。就光鲜艳丽来说，一朵雏菊与另一朵无甚差别。但是，一朵紫罗兰就得是最美艳、最芳香馥郁的。对于女人和孩子，我总是有些吹毛求疵。但这还不是最糟糕的。人们受冷落之前至少一定有过亲切熟悉的时候。这暗指造访和某种形式的往来。但是，如果这家丈夫结婚之前跟你关系很友好，如果你和这家的妻子不沾亲带故，如果你与这家认识并非由于女主人的缘故，而是在男主人草率结婚之前就是他的一位亲密老友——那你可要小心了，你的地位岌岌可危。不出一年，你那位老朋友就会对你越来越冷淡，甚至对你完全转变态度，最后找个借口和你断绝往来。婚前和我结成朋友的朋友中，结婚后几乎没有一个可以让我信赖其稳固的忠心。在一定限度内，他们的妻子尚可忍受我们的友谊。但是，如果她们的丈夫胆敢不询问她们的意思便与人订立一项神圣的友谊盟约，即使这发生在他们认识之前——是在这对夫妇相识之前订立的——她们对此也无法容忍。每段长久的友谊和每个旧的、真正的亲密关系都必须送到她们的办公室里由她们审核后重新盖章。这就像新登基的国王把他出生之前或更早以前某个时期铸造的完好的旧币收回，重新印上或铸上他的政权标记，然后才允许这些货币在世上流通。像我这样的破铜烂铁，在这些新熔铸的过程中会有什么好运降临，你可以猜想一下。
Innumerable are the ways which they take to insult and worm you out of their husband's confidence. Laughing at all you say with a kind of wonder, as if you were a queer kind of fellow that said good things, but an oddity, is one of the ways—they have a particular kind of stare for the purpose—till at last the husband, who used to defer to your judgment, and would pass over some excrescences of understanding and manner for the sake of a general vein of observation (not quite vulgar) which he perceived in you, begins to suspect whether you are not altogether a humorist, —a fellow well enough to have consorted with in his bachelor days, but not quite so proper to be introduced to ladies. This may be called the staring way; and is that which has oftenest been put in practice against me.
她们使出数不胜数的招数来羞辱你，让她们的丈夫对你失去信任。比如，不管你说了什么，她们都惊异地嘲笑你，讲出来的东西虽好，却是个怪胎，这是她们用的方法之一，她们还会故意用一种特别的方式凝视你，旨在让她们丈夫不再尊重你的意见。之前，她们的丈夫为了保证交流的连贯性，会无视你一些令人费解的言谈和碍眼的举止（只要不是恶俗的那种就行）。但是，当他们的太太用上述招数，到后来，他们也开始怀疑你是不是个滑稽鬼——一个适合做他单身时的朋友，但不太适合介绍给女士认识的人。这一招可以称为 “瞪眼术” ，这是我最常中的招数。
Then there is the exaggerating way, or the way of irony: that is, where they find you an object of especial regard with their husband, who is not so easily to be shaken from the lasting attachment founded on esteem which he has conceived towards you; by never—qualified exaggerations to cry up all that you say or do, till the good man, who understands well enough that it is all done in compliment to him, grows weary of the debt of gratitude which is due to so much candor, and by relaxing a little on his part, and taking down a peg or two in his enthusiasm, sinks at length to that kindly level of moderate esteem, —that "decent affection and complacent kindness" towards you, where she herself can join in sympathy with him without much stretch and violence to her sincerity.
然后还有夸张法，或者说是反讽法。也就是说，如果她们发现自己的丈夫特别看重你，建立在他对你的敬重之上的持久情感不是那么容易动摇，她们就要使出这种招数了。不管你说什么做什么，她们都会不合实际地表现出过度夸张的赞扬态度。她们的丈夫明确地知道这都是为了奉承自己，坦诚地心生感激，直到后来慢慢厌倦了这种感激债。他自己稍稍放松一下，让自己的热情降降温，最后对你仅保持一种适中的尊重——对你 “以礼相待，和睦相处” ，太太便在情感上配合丈夫，自己的忠诚没有太受曲解和受损。
Another way (for the ways they have to accomplish so desirable a purpose are infinite) is, with a kind of innocent simplicity, continually to mistake what it was which first made their husband fond of you. If an esteem for something excellent in your moral character was that which riveted the chain which she is to break, upon any imaginary discovery of a want of poignancy in your conversation, she will cry, "I thought, my dear, you described your friend, Mr. —as a great wit. " If, on the other hand, it was for some supposed charm in your conversation that he first grew to like you, and was content for this to overlook some trifling irregularities in your moral deportment, upon the first notice of any of these she as readily exclaims, "This, my dear, is your good Mr. —" One good lady whom I took the liberty of expostulating with for not showing me quite so much respect as I thought due to her husband's old friend, had the candour to confess to me that she had often heard Mr. —speak of me before marriage, and that she had conceived a great desire to be acquainted with me, but that the sight of me had very much disappointed her expectations; for from her husband's representations of me, she had formed a notion that she was to see a fine, tall, officer—like looking man (I use her very words); the very reverse of which proved to be the truth. This was candid; and I had the civility not to ask her in return, how she came to pitch upon a standard of personal accomplishments for her husband's friends which differed so much from his own; for my friend's dimensions as near as possible approximate to mine; he standing five feet five in his shoes, in which I have the advantage of him by about half an inch; and he no more than myself exhibiting any indications of a martial character in his air or countenance.
她们的另一种手段（因为她们为达到这个热切的目的可以使出无穷无尽的招数）是用纯真和朴实，将你曾吸引他们丈夫喜欢你的特点不断地肆意歪曲。如果她的丈夫尊重你人格中的某个优点，而这个优点铸成了她想要扯断的链子，那么，只要她自以为发现了你谈吐中不够深刻之处，便会叫道： “亲爱的，你不是说你的朋友某某先生是位大才子吗？” 另一方面，如果她丈夫最初喜欢你是因为你谈吐中的某个迷人之处，而且对此很满意，不计较你道德上的一些小毛病，她一旦注意到任何此类小毛病，便会欣然地大声说道： “亲爱的，这就是你那高尚的某某先生吗？” 我曾经冒昧地劝说一位善良的太太不要因为我是她丈夫的老朋友——我自认为是这个原因——而对我表现得如此客气。她坦诚地承认，说婚前她常听她丈夫提起我，也很想认识我。但一见到本人，她就大失所望。因为从她丈夫的描述看，她觉得我应该是个相貌堂堂、高大魁梧，有几分军官气质的人（这是她的原话），但这些想象与事实恰恰相反。她这话说得很坦诚。出于礼貌，我没有反过来问她，在评判个人外表方面，她对丈夫和他的朋友们要求的标准为何如此不同。因为我那位朋友的身材和我几乎没有差别，穿着鞋也不过五英尺五英寸高，还比我矮上半英寸呢。他的气质和面貌所表现出的军人气质也不比我多。
These are some of the mortifications which I have encountered in the absurd attempt to visit at their houses. To enumerate them all would be a vain endeavour: I shall therefore just glance at the very common impropriety of which married ladies are guilty, of treating us as if we were their husbands, and vice versa—. I mean, when they use us with familiarity, and their husbands with ceremony. Testacea, for instance, kept me the other night two or three hours beyond my usual time of supping, while she was fretting because Mr. —did not come home, till the oysters were all spoiled, rather than she would be guilty of the impoliteness of touching one in his absence. This was reversing the point of good manners: for ceremony is an invention to take off the uneasy feeling which we derive from knowing ourselves to be less the object of love and esteem with a fellow—creature than some other person is. It endeavors to make up by superior attentions in little points, for that invidious preference which it is forced to deny in the greater. Had Testacea kept the oysters back for me, and withstood her husband's importunities to go to supper, she would have acted according to the strict rules of propriety. I know no ceremony that ladies are bound to observe to their husbands, beyond the point of a modest behaviour and decorum: therefore I must protest against the vicarious gluttony of Cerasia, who at her own table sent away a dish of Morellas, which I was applying to with great good will, to her husband at the other end of the table, and recommended a plate of less extraordinary gooseberries to my unwedded palate in their stead. Neither can I excuse the wanton affront of—But I am weary of stringing up all my married acquaintance by Roman denominations. Let them amend and change their manners, or I promise to record the full—length English of their names, to the terror of all such desperate offenders in future.
这些就是我荒谬地去造访他们家时遭遇的耻辱。这样的例子不胜枚举，那么，我就只略说一下已婚女士的一个通病吧，即对待我们好像我们是她们的丈夫一样，而对自己的丈夫倒像是对外人一般。我的意思是，她们对我们不拘礼节，而对自己丈夫倒是彬彬有礼。比如，前几天的一个晚上，苔丝达西亚请我到她家吃晚饭，但我正常的晚饭时间都过去两三个钟头了，还没开饭，因为她正焦急地等待丈夫回家。一直等到牡蛎都放坏了，她也不肯在他回家之前先吃一口，以免失礼。这种行为与优雅的礼仪背道而驰，因为我们知道自己在某个人眼里不如其他某个人更受爱戴和尊重，才会产生拘束不安之感，礼仪原本就是为了消除这种不安的感觉而产生的。礼仪就是努力在细枝末节上放特别多的注意力，以弥补它在大事上被迫否认的招人嫉妒的偏爱。如果苔丝达西亚的丈夫强硬地要求开饭，但她仍坚持要把牡蛎留给我享用，那么她的举动就是合乎礼仪的。在我看来，太太对丈夫必须履行的礼数不外乎行为谦恭与端庄有礼。因此，我对塞拉西亚间接的饕餮行为表示抗议。我在她家餐桌上怀着极大的兴趣享用着一盘黑樱桃时，她居然把它拿给在餐桌另一头的丈夫享用，而给我这个单身汉换上一盘极其普通的醋栗。另外，我也无法忍受那个叫——的肆意侮辱了。不过，我已经厌倦给我认识的已婚人士取罗马名字了。让他们痛改前非，纠正自己的行为吧。否则，我保证将来要把他们的英文全名记述下来，吓吓这些严重冒犯我的人。