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国王迷(短篇快看)
鲁德亚德·吉卜林

国王迷

拉迪亚德·吉卜林

只要一个人值得交朋友,无论是王子还是乞丐,我都愿和他称兄道弟。

以上这条守则 [1] ,虽确可称为适当的行为方式,但要奉行起来却并非易事。我曾不止一次地与一位乞丐称兄道弟,但限于当时的情形,并未能够知道彼此是否真是值得论交的挚友。我还没有做过哪个王子的兄弟,但却差点和一个或许名副其实的国王搭上关系。他答应让我继承王国——军队、法院、税收、国家政策,所有的一切。但时至今日,我很担心我的那位国王已经死去。如果我想要一顶王冠,我必须靠自己去奋斗。

所有的一切都开始于从阿杰梅尔 [2] 到姆豪 [3] 的火车上。由于手头拮据,我连二等车厢也没坐上——尽管其价格只是一等车的一半,只能坐进了客货混合车厢。这些车厢的情况实在是太糟糕了。车厢里没有软席靠垫,乘客不是些欧亚混血儿,就是些本地人。跟本地人一起在火车上过夜是非常讨厌的。另外还有些游民,要说这些人倒是挺有趣的,只可惜他们一个个都喝得醉醺醺的。客货混合车厢的乘客不在火车站的小吃部买吃的:他们自带食物,不是包包袋袋就是有锅有罐。他们买本地小贩的糖果,喝路边的生水。这就是为什么在高温天气会有死尸从客货混合车厢里抬出来,而且不管是在什么天气,这些车厢的乘客都一准会遭人看不起。

我乘坐的那节客货混合车厢恰巧一直都是空的,车到纳西拉巴德 [4] 时,才有一个浓黑眉毛、只穿了件衬衫的大块头男子上了车。他上来之后,便按照客货混合车厢的习俗,和我寒暄起来。跟我一样,他也是一个游民,但对威士忌却有着儒雅的品味。他向我讲述他的所见所闻,他所到过的印度帝国偏僻的角落,以及他曾为了几天的食物险些丧命的冒险经历。

“如果印度满是我和你这样的人,连明天的口粮在哪儿都不知道,那么要花的财政就不会是7000万,而是7个亿了。” 他说道。我看着他的嘴和下巴,表示深有同感。

我们谈到了政治——当然,我们是从游民的角度,站在社会底层那些泥灰都没有涂抹光滑的阴暗面来谈论政治的——还谈到了邮政安排,因为我的朋友想要在下一站再回头给阿杰梅尔发个电报。阿杰梅尔是姆豪至孟买铁路线西行的拐点。我的朋友身上只有8安那 [5] ——那是他当晚的伙食费,而由于之前提到过的捉襟见肘的预算问题,我身上也是一个子儿都没有。况且,我打算深入不毛之地——尽管到时口袋里会再有些线,可那儿没有电报局。因此,我完全帮不上他的忙了。

“我们也许可以要挟站长,先赊账让他打一份电报。” 我的朋友说道, “但是那么做,你我是会遭人调查的,而我眼下的麻烦已经够多的了。你刚才说打算几天之内再坐这条线回来?”

“十天内。” 我说。

“就不能八天吗?” 他说, “我的事情相当紧急。”

“我可以在十天内帮你发那份电报,如果这样可以的话。” 我说。

“我刚才又想了一下,他能不能收到这份电报还不一定。其实是这样的,他23号从德里出发去孟买,这样的话他会在23号晚上途经阿杰梅尔。”

“但是我要去印度沙漠。” 我解释道。

“没问题。” 他说, “你要进入焦特布尔领地,就得在马尔瓦尔站换车——肯定的——他会于24号清晨坐孟买邮车经过马尔瓦尔站。你能在那个时间到马尔瓦尔站吗?我想这不会带给你什么不便的——即便你装成《乡下人》报的记者,在中印度的这几个邦也捞不到什么油水。”

“这招你试过吗?” 我问道。

“试过不只一次了。不过每次还没等你狠敲一笔,特派代表 [6] 就已经识穿你了,然后他们就会押送着把你赶出边境。不过,说回我的这位朋友。我一定要给他捎句话,告诉他我随后的动向,要不然他就该不知道上哪儿找我了。劳烦你届时能够离开中印度,及时赶到马尔瓦尔站与他会合,告诉他, ‘这周他往南去了’ ——如果你这么做,我会非常感激你的。他会明白这是什么意思的。他是个留着红胡子的大块头,可体面得紧。你会在二等车厢的一个包间里找到他,身边堆满行李,睡得像个绅士。不过你别害怕。从窗户跳进去,对他说, ‘这周他往南去了’ ,他就会明白的。这么着,你待在中印度的时间只会缩短两天。我以一个陌生人的身份拜托你,往西部走一趟。” 他强调说。

“你从哪儿来的?” 我问道。

“从东部来。” 他答道, “看在我们两个母亲的分上,我希望你能当面把这个信儿带给他。” [7]

通常来说,英国人不会因为别人提到自己的母亲就软下心肠,不过出于某些原因——原因大家很快就会明白 [8] ——我答应了下来。

“这可不是一件小事。” 他说道, “所以我才找你帮忙——现在我知道我可以放心把这件事托付给你了。在马尔瓦尔站的一节二等车厢里,睡着一个红头发的男人。你肯定能记住的。我在下一站下车。我必须在那儿等他来,或者等他送来我想要的东西。”

“如果我能及时赶到的话,一定把你的口信捎给他。” 我说道, “还有,看在我们两个母亲的分上,我给你句忠告:眼下别再冒充《乡下人》报的记者在中印度各邦奔走了。因为有一个货真价实的《乡下人》报记者正在那里到处采访,你那样做会惹上麻烦的。”

“谢谢你。” 他简单地答道, “什么时候这个讨厌鬼才会离开呢?我不能因为他坏了我的事就饿肚子。我想找这儿的德甘伯王公谈谈有关他父亲遗孀的事,吓唬吓唬他。”

“他对他父亲的遗孀做了什么呢?”

“他拿红辣椒灌进她的肚子,把她吊在梁上,用拖鞋抽死了她。这事是我自个儿查出来的,而且我是唯一一个敢上那个邦要封口费的人。他们肯定想要毒死我,就好像上次我上焦尔图姆纳捞钱,他们那儿的人也想要毒死我一样。不过,你会给马尔瓦尔站的那个人带信儿的,对吧?”

他在一个路边小站下了车。我开始细细琢磨这件事。我以前曾经不止一次听闻,有人冒充报社记者,以威胁揭发丑闻来勒索土著小邦,但是我从来也没遇到过这种人。他们这种讨生活的方式十分不易,而且通常都会暴亡。土邦对英文报纸十分恐惧,他们担心这些报纸会曝光他们独特的治理方式。因此,他们竭力用香槟酒将记者灌醉,用舒适的大马车把他们转得云里雾里。但是,他们根本就不明白,只要压迫和罪行被控制在体面的范围之内,统治者没有成日沉湎于毒品或酒乡,没有从年头到年末都病兮兮的,就没有人会对这些土邦的内部统治有一丝一毫的兴趣。它们就是地球上的黑暗角落,充斥着难以想象的残忍。这些邦一面已经接触到铁路和电报,一面还在过着如哈伦·赖世德 [9] 时代般骄奢淫逸的生活。下了火车后,我开始和形形色色的国王打交道,在短短八天里经历了人生的种种变化。有时我穿着礼服结交王孙贵族和特派代表,用水晶杯饮酒,用银餐具吃饭。有时我睡在地上,有什么就吃什么,拿树叶当盘碟,喝自来水,和我的仆人盖一条毯子。所有这些都是家常便饭。

之后,正如我所答应的那样,我在讲好的日期前往印度大沙漠。一列夜间邮车把我放在了马尔瓦尔站。这里有一条本地人自己掌管的逍遥小铁路通往焦特布尔。从德里开来的孟买邮车会在马尔瓦尔作短暂的停留。我刚到站,那列车就来了。我赶忙奔到列车停靠的站台,一列列车厢地找过去。这趟列车上只有一节二等车厢。我跳进窗户,只见地上躺着一个胡子鲜红的男子,半盖着一张列车毯子。这就是我要找的人;他睡得正熟,因此我轻轻地戳了戳他的肋部。他咕哝着醒过来,这时我在灯光下看清了他的脸。这是一张油光闪亮的大脸盘。

“又查票?” 他问道。

“不是。” 我答道, “我是来告诉你,这周他往南去了。这周他往南去了!”

列车开始发动。红胡子男子揉了揉眼睛。 “这周他往南去了。” 他重复道, “真是他的厚脸皮作风。他说要我给你什么酬劳了吗?我可是不会给的。”

“他没有说。” 我说完就跳回到站台上,望着邮车的红灯慢慢消失在黑暗中。那天风沙漫天,天气特别冷。我爬回了自己的车厢——这次我坐的不是客货混合车厢——之后就睡着了。

如果红胡子男人给我一个卢比的话,我会把它当作这件奇事的纪念品。不过,我唯一的回报只是知道自己已经尽了该尽的义务。

后来,我细想了想这件事,觉得像我的两位朋友这样的人,如果凑到一起去冒充新闻记者,那肯定不会有什么好事;如果他们还要去勒索中印度或者南拉贾普塔纳那些鸟不拉屎的小土邦,说不定还会给自己招惹上大麻烦。因此,我特意找到那些想要驱逐他们的人,凭着记忆详细描述了他们的长相。后来我听说我成功了。他们果然被遣送出了德甘伯土邦。

这件事之后又过了些时日,我挣得了些名声,被派驻回报社的编辑部。在这里,王公贵族和奇闻轶事都只是报纸上才有的事物。报社似乎是一个吸引形形色色各式人等的地方。比如说,妇女深闺布道会 [10] 的女士一到,就会请求总编辑马上放下所有任务,去报道一场在偏远小村的贫民窟中举行的基督教颁奖仪式;没能荣升的上校会坐下来列出10篇、12篇,甚至是24篇头版社论文章的提纲,讨论 “资历还是选拔” 的问题。传教士想知道为什么报纸总是对他们下笔毫不留情,同时又大声咒骂一个受到编辑部特别赞扬的兄弟传教士;资金窘迫的巡回剧团一大帮子人全都跑了来,解释说他们现在付不起广告费,但是等他们从新西兰和塔西提岛 [11] 巡演回来,就能连本带息全部奉还。机动布屏风扇、马车联轴器、不会损坏的刀剑和车轴的发明家们全都登门造访,口袋里揣着专利的说明书,一坐就是好几个小时;茶叶公司也来了,拿起编辑的笔详细讲解他们的计划书;舞会委员会的干事叫嚷着要让编辑再多写些他们上一次舞会的盛况;莫名其妙的女士风风火火地跑进来说道: “劳烦立刻帮我印好一百张名片。” 就好像这不言而喻是编辑的活儿。每一个曾在南亚古道上游走过的放荡无赖都跑来应征做校对员。所有这一切在发生的时候,电话铃声疯了似的响个不停。欧洲大陆上国王死于非命,一些帝国声称, “下一个就轮到你。” 格莱斯顿先生 [12] 扬言要让地狱之火降临到英国自治领。报社里皮肤黝黑的当地内勤好像劳累的蜜蜂一样有气无力地哀鸣: “需要稿件。” 可报纸的大部分还是像莫德雷德 [13] 的盾一样一片空白。

然而,这已经要算是一年中比较有趣的时光了。接下来的六个月,再没有一个人上门。温度计的温度一点点地向上走,一直飙到顶点,办公室里光线昏暗,将将可以看书写字,印刷机摸起来热得发烫,大家只写点儿官员避暑所在的山间驻地的趣闻,还有讣告之类。之后,电话的叮叮声变成了恐怖的信息,因为它会告诉你那些你所熟识的人突然就死了。你出了一身汗疹,但你还要是坐下来写道: “根据来自 ‘天晓得’ 地区 [14] 的报道,该地区发病人数略有增加。这次疫情的发生只是零星事件,并且多亏地区当局积极有效的措施,现在已经基本得到控制。当然,我们对死者深表哀悼” ,等等。

不久,瘟疫蔓延开来,然而,为免读者忧心,我们报喜不报忧。欧洲的帝国和国王们一如既往在自私地逍遥快活。领班坚持认为,日报就应该二十四小时内就出版一次。在山区驻地消暑的人们正玩得高兴,他们拿到报纸时的评论是: “老天!为什么不能把报纸办得妙趣横生呢?这里还是有很多事情发生的。”

那是一段黑暗时期。正如广告所言: “只有体验过,才会懂得欣赏。”

就是在那个时节,那个极其黑暗的时节,报纸每周的最后一期开始按照伦敦报纸的习惯改在星期六晚上,其实也就是星期天凌晨印刷。这样一来带来了极大的好处,因为报纸送印之后恰巧是黎明时分,温度从华氏96度下降到84度,并且能凉快上半个小时。只有在天热得你开始祈求老天时,你才会明白在84度时躺在草地上是多么凉快。于是,在这样一个时间,一个累得半死的人终于能够睡上一觉,直到他被热醒为止。

某个周六的晚上,我独自一人负责将报纸付印这一愉快的职责。新闻不外乎是国王、大臣、交际花、国家之类的,不是谁死了,就是哪个国家要改宪了,总之都是发生在世界另一端的重要事件。报纸总是随时准备补上最新发来的电文,一直到付印前的最后一刻。

那是六月里一个漆黑的夜晚,空气令人窒息;热带干风从西面吹来,在干燥易燃的树木间肆意呼啸,制造暴雨即将随之而来的假象。不时会有一滴近乎于沸水的雨点从天而降,落在尘埃中,声音大得像是青蛙扑通落水,不过倦怠不堪的我们知道这一切都是虚张声势。印刷间比办公室稍微凉快些,所以我坐在那儿,听着铅字咔哒咔哒的声音。夜鹰在窗边啼叫,全身几乎赤裸的排字工人不时用手擦去前额的汗滴,还嚷着要水喝。一条不知是什么内容的电文迟迟未到。不过热风已经停歇,最后的铅字也都已经排好,在这令人窒息的高温下,整个地球都似乎停止了转动,作保密状地不出一声,只等着那条新闻。我昏昏欲睡,思忖这条电文不知道是不是件喜讯,或者那个垂死的人、那些挣扎的人们,是否知道因为他们而拖累了报纸的付印,给我们带来了不便。除了高温和担忧之外,并没有其他什么特殊的原因造成眼前的紧张焦虑。然而,时钟的指针不知不觉地指向三点,机器的飞轮转了几下,确认一切都已准备就绪。在我还没下令开印之前,我几乎要大声尖叫起来。

终于,机轮的轰鸣和震动将这份宁静击得粉碎。我起身打算离开车间,这时两个穿白衣的男人站在了我的面前。头一个人说: “就是他!” 另一个人说: “是他!” 然后这两个人就一边抹着额头,一边大笑起来,笑声几乎比得上机器的轰鸣。个子小一些的那个男人说: “我们正在马路对面的沟里睡觉纳凉,看到这里有灯,我就对我的这位朋友说, ‘办公室的门开着,让我们进去瞧瞧那个害我们从德甘伯邦被赶出来的家伙吧。’” 他就是我在姆豪火车上遇到的那个人,而他的同伴就是马尔瓦尔站的那个红胡子。他们一个眉毛浓黑,一个胡子火红,我是绝不会认错的。

我只想睡觉,不想和游民斗嘴,因此心里老大不高兴。 “你们想要干什么?” 我问道。

“就想和你一起凉凉快快、舒舒服服地在办公室待半个小时,聊聊天。” 红胡子男人说, “我们还想来点酒——契约还没开始生效呢,所以皮奇,你不需要看契约——但是我们真正想要的是听听你的建议。我们不要钱。我们想请你帮个忙。你欠我们的情,因为我们知道是你向德甘伯邦告发了我们。”

我把他们两个从印刷间带到了闷热的办公室;办公室墙上挂着些地图。红胡子男人兴奋地搓着双手。 “这就对了,” 他说, “咱们算是来对地方了。现在,先生,让我给你介绍皮奇·卡纳汉兄弟 [15] ,就是他,和丹尼尔·德拉沃特兄弟,就是我。至于我们的职业,还是少提为妙,因为我们几乎什么都做过——士兵、水手、排字工、摄影师、校对员、街头传道士,还有《乡下人》报的记者——因为我们觉得它缺这么个人。卡纳汉没喝糊涂,我也是。你先看看我们,确定这一点,这样你就不会打断我的话了。我们要一人拿一根你的雪茄,你看着我们点上,证明我们没醉。”

我看着他们的这个试验。这两个人确实是清醒的,因此我给了他们每人一杯加苏打的温热威士忌。

“嗯嗯,很好。” 浓眉毛的卡纳汉一边说,一边拭去胡子上的泡沫, “丹,现在还是让我来说吧。我们已经跑遍了印度,而且绝大多数时候都是用脚的。我们装过锅炉,开过火车,搞过小承包,诸如此类的事情。我们认为,对于像我们这样的人来说,印度还不够大。”

但对办公室而言,他们确实太大了。他们坐在那张大桌子上,德拉沃特的红胡子看上去像是占了半个屋子,卡纳汉的阔肩膀则占了另一半。卡纳汉继续说: “这个国家管理得一塌糊涂,因为那些统治的家伙根本不让你插手。他们成天管理,而你不能举起铁锹,不能开凿石头,不能勘探石油,或者任何这样的事情,因为只要你动一动,政府就会说: ‘别碰这个,让我们来管理。’ 既然这样,我们也就不碰了。我们要到天高皇帝远的地方,自由自在,优哉游哉。我们不是小人物,我们什么都不怕——除了喝酒这件事,不过我们已经签了契约。我们要离开这里去当国王。”

“我们要凭自己的本事当国王。” 德拉沃特咕哝道。

“是的,当然啦。” 我说, “你们在太阳底下走了一天,今天晚上也不凉快,你们是不是先睡上一觉,睡醒了再考虑这个主意?明天再来吧!”

“我们没有喝醉,也没有中暑。” 德拉沃特说, “这个打算我们已经考虑了有半年了,一直想找书和地图来看。我们已经拿定主意,世界上只有一个地方可以让两个强人成就像沙捞越 [16] 那样的伟业!他们管它叫卡菲尔斯坦 [17] 。根据我的推算,它在阿富汗的东北角,距离白沙瓦不到三百英里。他们有三十二个异教神,我们将会是第三十三个和第三十四个。那里是个山区,而且那地方的女人很美。”

“那是违背契约的。” 卡纳汉说, “不沾女人,也不沾酒,丹尼尔。”

“我们知道的就是这些了,只可惜没人去过那儿。他们总是在打仗。凡是打仗的地方,只要懂得如何操练士兵,这人就会成为国王。我们应该去这样的地方,游说能找到的国王: ‘你想战胜你的仇敌吗?’ 然后我们就教他如何操练士兵。我们对这个很在行。再然后,我们就推翻国王,夺取王位,建立一个王朝。”

“你们过了边境走不到五十英里,就会被剁成碎片的。” 我说, “你们得穿过整个阿富汗才能到达那个地方。那里峰峦叠起,冰川密布。没有一个英国人去过那儿。那儿的人凶悍粗暴,即使你们找到他们,也什么都做不了。”

“好极了。” 卡纳汉说道, “你越是认为我们疯了,我们就越高兴。我们来找你就是想了解这个地方,读本有关这个地方的书,看看有关这个地方的地图。我们想让你说我们是傻瓜,然后给我们看你的书。” 他转身去瞧书架。

“你们是认真的吗?” 我问道。

“有点吧。” 德拉沃特亲切地说道, “把你最大的地图拿给我们吧,就算上面该标卡菲尔斯坦的地方是一片空白。再把你的书也都给我们,尽管我们没受到过好的教育,我们也能看得懂。”

我从书架上拿下一张比例为1英寸:32英里的印度大地图,还有两张小一些的边界地图。我又把《不列颠百科全书》的INFKAN卷从书架上拖了下来。他们开始查阅起来。

“看这儿!” 德拉沃特用大拇指指着地图说, “一直往北到贾格达拉克,皮奇和我知道这条路。我们在罗伯特 [18] 军中时去过那儿。我们在贾格达拉克转向东走,进入拉格曼地区。然后我们就进入了山区,那些山有一万四五千英尺高。那儿应该会很冷,但在地图上瞅倒也不太远。”

我把一本伍德 [19] 著的《乌浒河水源志》递给了他。卡纳汉还在埋头啃《不列颠百科全书》。

“那地方有很多部落。” 德拉沃特想了想说, “知道这些部落的名字也没什么用。部落越多,仗就打得越多,对我们来讲也就越有利。从贾格达拉克到阿桑。嘿!”

“有关这个地方的所有信息不是很粗浅,就是不准确。” 我反驳道, “没人真正了解那里。这里有一份三军防务研究院的文件。还是读一读贝柳 [20] 是怎么说的吧。”

“贝柳真是胡扯!” 卡纳汉说, “丹,那地方的人就是一帮臭烘烘的异教徒,但是这本书这儿却说,他们认为自己和我们英国人有点血亲关系。 [21]”

这两人专心致志地研究着拉弗蒂 [22] 、伍德、地图,还有《不列颠百科全书》,我于是抽起了烟。

“你在这里干等着也没啥意思。” 德拉沃特礼貌地说, “现在快四点了,如果你还想睡觉的话,我们会在六点前离开。你放心吧,不用在这儿熬夜,我们不会偷走任何文件的。我们就是两个无害的疯子。如果你明晚来客栈,我们可以在那里道别。”

“你们两个傻瓜,” 我说道, “你们不是在边境上被赶回来,就是在一脚刚踏进阿富汗的时候被剁成肉酱。你们想要钱吗?还是在平原地区的推荐信?我可以帮你们下周就找到工作。”

“下周我们就已经有事忙了,谢谢。” 德拉沃特说道, “当国王可不像看起来那么容易。我们的王国一旦有序地壮大起来,我们会通知你的,到时候你可以过来帮助我们管理。”

“两个疯子会签订一份这样的契约吗?” 卡纳汉抑制住内心的骄傲,递给了我半张油迹斑斑的信纸,上面写着以下内容。出于好奇,我当场便将其抄了下来。

请上帝见证你我之间这一合约——阿门:

第一,你我共同完成此事,即登上卡菲尔斯坦的王位。

第二,此事未成期间,你我都不许喝酒,也不许碰女人(无论是白皮肤的,黑皮肤的,还是棕色皮肤的),以免这两者贻害。

第三,我们必将言行庄重,处事谨慎。如果一人陷入困境,另一人应不离不弃。

今日你我共同签署

皮奇·托利弗·卡纳汉

丹尼尔·德拉沃特

两个无业绅士

“最后一条没有必要。” 卡纳汉谦虚地说道,他的脸都红了, “但是通常契约都是这样的。你知道游民是什么样的人——只要我们待在印度,丹和我就一直会是游民——如果我们不是认真的话,你想想我们能签这样一份契约吗?为了这个,我们已经远离了人生中两件最大的乐趣。”

“如果你们想要尝试这种白痴一样的冒险,你们的好日子就过不了多久了。我不在的时候,别把这个办公室给烧了。” 我说, “九点之前离开这里。”

我说完就离开了,他们还在那里一边专注地研究着地图,一边在 “契约” 的背面作记录。我临走时,他们对我说: “别忘了明天一定到客栈来。”

库姆哈森客栈四四方方,是个各色人等聚集的场所。来自北方的驼商和马队在这里装货、卸货。你能看到来自中亚地区的各国国民,还有印度本土的绝大多数民族。巴尔赫人和布哈拉人会在这里与孟加拉人和孟买人做生意,双方都千方百计地压低对方货物的价格。小马驹、青松石、波斯猫、鞍袋、肥尾羊和麝香,你在库姆哈森客栈想买什么都能够找到,而且有时候还能不花钱得到许多稀奇古怪的物件。下午的时候,我前往客栈,去看看我的朋友是打算履行他们的承诺,还是躺在那里烂醉如泥。

一位衣衫褴褛的祭司昂首阔步朝我走过来,手里一本正经地转着一个小孩玩的纸风车。他的身后跟随着他的仆人,后者扛着一箱泥制玩具。他们俩正在往两只骆驼上装货,客栈的住客则在注视着他们的一举一动,时不时地发出阵阵尖声大笑。

一位马贩子对我说: “这个祭司疯了,他要去喀布尔把这些玩具卖给埃米尔 [23] 。他有可能得到褒奖,也有可能被砍头。他是今早到的这里,一直这么疯疯癫癫的。”

“疯子往往都有神的庇佑。” 一个大饼脸的乌兹别克人操着一口蹩脚的印地语说道, “他们可以预言未来的事情。”

“我的大篷车眼看就到隘口,却让欣瓦里人给抢了,这个他们能预言吗?!” 拉杰布塔纳 [24] 一家商栈的代理人——一个优素福扎伊人——愤愤不平地咕哝道。他的货物在途经边境的时候被强盗劫走了,这番不幸遭遇成为了整个集市的笑柄。 “喂,祭司,你从哪里来,要到哪里去?”

“我从鲁姆 [25] 来。” 祭司挥舞着他的纸风车喊道, “我从鲁姆来,百位恶魔的气息把我吹过大海。哦!小偷、强盗、骗子,圣人可汗保佑的猪、狗和发假誓者!谁愿护送神佑的人儿前往北方,卖给埃米尔他见所未见的符咒?谁愿让我加入你们的商队,我将保佑你们的骆驼不会累伤,子嗣不会生病,出门在外时妻子保持忠贞。谁愿助我用银跟的金拖鞋抽打俄国沙皇?圣人可汗会保佑他大功告成!” 他拉起长袍的下摆,在拴着的马匹中间踮着脚尖转圈。

“二十天内将有一支商队从白沙瓦出发前往喀布尔,大人。” 那个优素福扎伊商人说道, “我的驼队也会随行。希望您和我们一起走,为我们带来好运。”

“我眼下就得出发!” 祭司嚷道, “我将乘上长了翅膀的骆驼,一天之内就到达白沙瓦!呦!快准备好,米尔·汗!” 他朝他的仆人喊道, “把我们的骆驼赶出来,但先让我骑上我自己的那匹。”

骆驼跪下,他跳上了驼背,转头向我大声说: “你也一起来吧,先生,和我们走一段。我可以卖给你一个符咒——这个护身符能让你成为卡菲尔斯坦的国王。”

我恍然大悟,跟随这两匹骆驼出了客栈,当我们上了大路时,祭司停了下来。

“你觉得怎么样?” 他用英语说, “卡纳汉说不了他们的行话,所以我让他扮成我的仆人。他当个仆人挺合适的。我在这个国家游荡了14年可不是白混的。难道你不认为我刚才那番话挺像那么回事吗?我们会在白沙瓦搭上一支商旅,一直走到贾格达拉克,从那儿我们再想办法,看看能不能把骆驼换成驴子,然后神不知鬼不觉地溜进卡菲尔斯坦。把纸风车卖给埃米尔!哈哈,笑死我了!把你的手放到驼袋下,告诉我你摸到了什么。”

我摸到了一支马提尼步枪 [26] 的枪托,然后又摸到一支,接着又一支。

“总共有二十支呢,” 德拉沃特平静地说道, “连同弹药,都藏在纸风车和泥娃娃的下面。”

“老天啊,要是你们带着这些东西被发现就完了!” 我说, “一支马提尼枪在帕坦人当中值得上等重的银子。”

“这两头骆驼的货物花了我们1500卢比,乞讨的,借来的,偷来的,每个子儿我们都花上了。” 德拉沃特说, “我们不会被发现的。我们会和一支平常的商队一同穿过开贝尔隘口。谁会打一个又穷又疯的祭司的主意呢?”

“你们得到所有想要的东西了吗?” 我惊讶万分地问道。

“还没有,但是快了。送我们一个纪念物吧,兄弟,让我们记住你的好心。昨天你帮了我一个忙,还有在马尔瓦尔那一次。诚如那句俗话所说, ‘我的半壁江山都归你所有’ 。” 我从表链上卸下一个圆规小挂饰 [27] ,把它递给了祭司。

“再见。” 德拉沃特说着,庄重地伸出手来与我握手, “将来很长一段时间里,这将是我们最后一次和一个英国人握手。卡纳汉,你也和他握握手吧。” 当第二头骆驼经过我身旁的时候,他喊道。

卡纳汉俯下身来和我握手。然后,两人骑着骆驼沿着尘土飞扬的道路走远了,只留下我一个人在那里琢磨这回事。在我看来,他们的假扮天衣无缝。客栈那一幕也证明了他们完全能骗过本地人的眼睛。因此,说不定卡纳汉和德拉沃特真的能够不被发现地穿过阿富汗。不过,等到出了阿富汗,等待他们的还是死亡——确定无疑的,而且是可怕的死亡。

十天之后,一个当地记者从白沙瓦给我捎来了消息。在信的末尾,他写道: “这里最近有一件非常好笑的事情。有个疯祭司打算把一些俗里俗气、毫不值钱的小玩意儿和首饰卖给布哈拉的埃米尔陛下,他宣称那些东西都是护符。他通过了白沙瓦,和前往喀布尔的一个叫 ‘第二年夏天’ 的商队结队同行。商人们都很高兴他能加入,因为迷信的说法认为疯子能够带来好运。”

这之后,这两个人就算是过了边境了。我本想替他们祈祷的,但是那一晚,欧洲一位真正的国王去世了,我需要写讣告。

世界的车轮总是以相同的步调周而复始地向前运行。夏天过了,冬天来了又走了。日报在继续发行,我也还在那儿继续工作。到了第三年的夏天,有一天晚上闷热难当,又是我当值晚班,又在紧张地等着从世界的另一端发来电报,和从前没什么两样。在过去的这两年里,几位伟人去世了,印刷机的噪声更大了,办公室花园里的树长高了几英尺。但是,所有的不同仅此而已。

我一路往印刷间走去,眼前的场景正如我刚才描述的那样,只是这里的气氛比两年前更为紧张,我也更为深切地感受到这里的高温。三点钟的时候,我大喊一声 “付印” ,然后转身准备离开。这时我注意到,有一个几乎不成人形的家伙爬到了我的椅子上。他几乎驼成了一个圈儿,脑袋深缩在双肩里,走路时摆腿的动作就像是一只熊。我都看不清他究竟是走过来的,还是爬过来的。这个衣衫褴褛、嘴里不停呻吟的瘸子直呼我的名字,说他回来了。 “能给我杯酒吗?” 他呜咽着说道, “看在上帝的分上,给我一杯酒吧!”

我回到办公室,这个人也跟着来了,他不停地发出痛苦的呻吟。我点亮了煤油灯。

“你不认识我了吗?” 他喘着气跌坐在一把椅子里。灯光下,他露出了憔悴的面庞和一头灰白的头发。

我目不转睛地注视着他。以前好像在哪儿见过这样的眉毛,像是一条足足一英寸宽的黑带,在鼻子上方都碰到一起了。可我怎么也想不起来在哪里见过了。

“我不认识你。” 我边说边递给他一杯威士忌, “有什么需要帮忙的吗?”

他灌下一大口威士忌。尽管天气炎热得让人窒息,他还是颤抖了一下。

“我回来了,” 他重复说道, “而且我当上了卡菲尔斯坦的国王——我和德拉沃特——货真价实加冕的国王!当初我们就是在这个办公室决定要当国王的,你就坐在那里,借书给我们。我是皮奇——皮奇·托利弗·卡纳汉——从那之后,就好像你一直都坐在这儿一样——哦,上帝!”

我这一下可吃惊不小,而且向他表示了我的惊讶。

“这是真的。” 卡纳汉咯咯干笑了几声,一边揉捏着他包裹在破布中的脚, “绝无虚言。我们成了国王,头上戴着王冠的国王——我和德拉沃特——可怜的丹——哦,可怜、凄惨的丹啊,就算是我求他,他也从不听别人的意见!”

“再喝点酒吧。” 我说, “慢慢讲。把你能记得的,从头到尾都讲给我听。你们骑着骆驼穿越了边界,德拉沃特装扮成疯祭司,而你则装扮成他的仆人。这些你还记得吗?”

“我没有疯——至少现在还没有,不过应该快了。我当然记得。看着我,不然我的故事可能会讲得支离破碎。一定要盯着我的眼睛,而且什么也不要说。”

我身子前倾,尽我所能地紧盯着他的脸。他一只手垂放到桌面上,我抓住了他的手腕。这是一只扭曲如鸟爪般的手,手背上有一块红色凸起的菱形伤疤。

“不,别看那里。看着我。” 卡纳汉说道, “后面会讲到伤疤的事。不过看在上帝的分上,不要让我分神。我们随着那支商队一起离开了;一路上,我和德拉沃特想尽办法搞怪,逗我们的同伴开心。晚上商队做饭的时候,德拉沃特常常逗得我们捧腹大笑——我是说做饭的时候……当时他们是怎么干的来着?他们点燃了小火堆,火花蹦进德拉沃特的胡子里,我们都快笑死了。一点点的小火星,钻进德拉沃特的大红胡子里——太逗了。” 他不再看我,而是傻傻地笑了起来。

“你们点了那些火堆。然后你们跟着商队到了贾格达拉克。” 我猜测地说, “到了贾格达拉克后你们就调转方向,想要进入卡菲尔斯坦了吧?”

“不,我们没有。你在说什么呢?我们在到贾格达拉克前就调转方向了,因为我们听说路很好走,所以我们打算就这么过去。可是对德拉沃特和我的那两只骆驼来说,路并不好走。我俩离开商队之后,德拉沃特就脱掉了他所有的衣服,还让我也把衣服脱了。他说,我们俩要当异教徒,因为卡菲尔人不允许伊斯兰教徒和他们说话。我俩打扮成两教都可以接受的样子,你都没见过丹尼尔·德拉沃特的那个模样,我以前从没见过,以后也见不到了。他烧掉了一半的胡子,肩上搭了块羊皮,还把头发剃出了图形来。他也把我的头发剃出了图形,还让我穿挂一些奇装异服,好让我看起来像个异教徒。那里的山又多又高,我们的骆驼走不了了。那些山又高又黑,回来的路上,我看到那些山好像野山羊一样在打架。卡菲尔斯坦有许多山羊。那些山,就好像一直在动,跟山羊一样。一直在打架,让你夜里也睡不安稳。”

“再喝点威士忌。” 我慢慢说道, “到卡菲尔斯坦的路不好走,骆驼走不了了。那时候你和丹尼尔·德拉沃特都干了些什么呀?”

“你说的都哪儿跟哪儿啊?有个叫皮奇·托利弗·卡纳汉的人,和德拉沃特一起去的。你要我讲讲他的事情吗?他在严寒中冻死了。老皮奇从桥上掉下去了,像那种一便士一个的纸风车那样在空中打转。你可以把这种风车卖给埃米尔。不,这些风车一个半便士就能买两个。也可能是我搞错了,我全身疼得厉害。……这些骆驼没了用处,皮奇对德拉沃特说, ‘看在上帝的分上,在我们掉脑袋之前赶紧离开这里吧。’ 于是他们就在山里把骆驼杀了,因为他们实在找不到什么可以吃的东西了,当然他们在此之前把装着枪支和弹药的箱子先搬了下来。这时,有两个人赶着四头骡子走过来了。德拉沃特站起来,在他们面前又跳又唱地说, ‘卖给我四只骡子吧。’ 第一个人说, ‘如果你有钱买的话,你就有钱去抢。’ 但是,还没等到他的手摸到刀子,德拉沃特就把他的头按在自己的膝盖上,拧断了他的脖子。另一个人马上逃跑了。卡纳汉就把从骆驼背上卸下来的步枪装到了骡背上,我们就向着酷寒的山区进发了,那儿的山路还没有你的手背宽呢。”

当我问他,是否还记得他所经之地的风土人情时,他停顿了一会儿。

“我已经尽可能把我记得的都告诉你了,但是我的脑子不像从前那么好使了。他们把钉子钉进我的脑子里,好让我听清楚德拉沃特是怎么死的。那个地方到处是山,骡子怎么都不听使唤,而且人烟稀少。这两个人一路跋涉,顺着山势上了又下,下了又上。卡纳汉央求德拉沃特不要那么大声地唱歌、吹口哨,因为这样会引发雪崩。但是德拉沃特说,如果一个国王都不能唱歌的话,那当国王还有什么意思呢。他重重抽打骡子的屁股,一连十个大冷天都完全不听我的劝告。后来,我们来到一个很宽的山谷,周围都是山。骡子快要死了,我们没有任何东西可以给它们吃,就连我们自己都没得吃,所以我们只好把它们杀了。我们坐在木箱子上,用散在外面的子弹玩赌钱游戏。”

“这时候,有十个带着弓箭的人跑下山谷,追赶着另外二十个带着弓箭的人,吵嚷的声音可大了。他们都是金发白肤,比你我都更像白人——黄色的头发,魁梧的身材。德拉沃特一边取出枪来一边说, ‘咱们的这番事业就要开头了。我们要帮那十个人打架。’ 说着他就朝那二十个人开了两枪,打中了其中一个人。他们距离他坐着的岩石有两百码远。其他的人开始逃跑。但是卡纳汉和德拉沃特不管他们往哪个方向跑,只是坐在木箱子上一枪一枪地把他们干掉。之后,我们朝也已经逃到雪地那头的那十个人走了过去,他们不痛不痒地射过来一箭。德拉沃特朝他们的头顶上方开枪,所有人立刻都趴在了地上。他从他们身上跨过,踢了他们几脚,接着又把他们搀起来,挨个握手,向他们表示友好。他又招呼他们去搬箱子,手挥起来的那个劲儿就好像他已经是国王了一样。他们扛着箱子和他一起穿过山谷,爬上一座小山,进了山顶的一个松树林。那儿有五六尊石像。德拉沃特走到最大的一尊面前——这些人管它叫英布拉,是他们的主神。德拉沃特在那座石像的脚下放了一把枪和一颗子弹,又尊敬地用自己的鼻子碰了碰它的鼻子,拍了拍它的头,点点头说, ‘好了,我什么都知道了。这些石头神都是我的朋友。’ 之后他张开嘴巴,用手指朝嘴里指了指。先有一个人给他拿来食物,他说 ‘不’ ;又有第二个人给他拿来食物,他还是说 ‘不’ ;但是当一位老祭司,同时也是村长,给他拿来食物的时候,他说 ‘是’ ;态度非常傲慢,吃得也是慢条斯理。这就是我们到第一个村子的情形,一切都顺利得很,就好像我们是从天上掉下来的一样。可我们却从一座该死的索桥上掉了下去,你知道吗?经历了这种事,一个人就不大能笑得出来了。”

“再喝点威士忌,继续往下讲。” 我说, “那是你们到的第一个村子。你们是怎么成为国王的呢?”

“我不是国王。” 卡纳汉说, “德拉沃特才是国王。他头上戴着金冠,看上去似模似样的。德拉沃特和我留在那个村子里,每天早上,他都坐在老英布拉的旁边,村民纷纷前来向他朝拜。这是德拉沃特的命令。后来有一大批人闯进山谷,可是还不等对方反应过来,卡纳汉和德拉沃特就用步枪把他们一个个放倒了。之后这两个人冲下山谷,爬上山谷的另一边,又找到了一个村子,同第一个没什么两样,那里的村民听到枪声也都伏倒在地。德拉沃特问道, ‘现在说说,你们两个村庄为什么要打打杀杀呀?’ 村民都指着一个女人,金色头发,皮肤白皙,就跟你和我差不多,是这个村子的人抢来的。德拉沃特把她带回了第一个村子。回到村子后,我们开始清点死亡人数——总共八个人。德拉沃特为每个死人都在地上洒了点牛奶,然后把手臂甩得像风车一样,嘴里念叨着, ‘这样就行啦。’ 再往下,他和卡纳汉拽着两个村长的胳膊,把他们带到山谷中,在他们面前用长矛在地上画了一条分界线,又从线的两边各挖了一块草皮,交给他们两个。然后所有人都鬼喊鬼叫地从山上下到谷里。德拉沃特大声喝道, ‘要耕种土地,要生养众多。’ 尽管村民都听不懂,他们还是照做了。然后我们问他们,各种东西在他们的语言里都是怎么说的——面包、水、火、神像什么的;德拉沃特又把两个村子的祭司带到神像前,让他们坐在那里评判曲直,还说如果出了岔子,就开枪打死他们。”

“到了第二个星期,村民都跑到山谷里翻地。他们如同蜜蜂一样安静,样子倒是比蜜蜂好看得多。祭司听了村民的各种申诉后,用手势比画着都告诉了德拉沃特。 ‘这才刚开始呢。’ 德拉沃特说, ‘他们把我们当成神了。’ 他和卡纳汉挑选出了二十个壮丁,教他们如何开枪,又教他们四人一组列队行进。这些人很乐意做这些,并且很聪明,很快便学会了。接下来德拉沃特掏出烟斗和烟袋,两个村子一边放了一样。我们接着又跑到下一个山谷,看看在那里能做些什么。那里到处都是些石头,还有一个小村庄。卡纳汉说, ‘把他们派到前面的那个山谷去耕地。’ 他就把他们带到那儿,给了他们一些还没人种的地。这个村子的人都穷得很,在将他们纳入新王国前,我们举行了一个仪式。我们先用小山羊的血涂抹在他们脸上,然后才让他们进了山谷。这样做是为了让村民产生敬畏,这样他们才会乖乖地安顿下来。卡纳汉又回到德拉沃特那儿,两个人又到了一个山谷,这个山谷里遍地冰雪,山势陡峭。山谷里没有人住,于是军队害怕了起来,德拉沃特开枪打死了一名士兵以儆效尤,他们这才继续上路,直到后来在一个村庄里发现了一些村民,这些村民有火绳枪。士兵威胁村民说,如果不想死,最好乖乖放下他们手上的枪。我们和这里的祭司交上了朋友。我带着两个士兵,独自一人留了下来,操练这里的村民。没过多久,一个身材极其魁梧的酋长领着敲锣打鼓、号角齐鸣的队伍从雪地那头过来了,因为他听说来了一位新的天神在这里大展拳脚。卡纳汉朝着半英里外酋长队伍的中央开了火,打伤了一个人的胳膊。接着他给酋长捎去个口信,说除非他想被打死,否则必须前来和我握手言和,而且要把武器留下。酋长一个人先过来了,卡纳汉就和他握手,又学德拉沃特把手臂甩得像风车一样,酋长非常吃惊,还捋了捋我的眉毛。卡纳汉又独自一个人去见酋长,打着手势问他,是否有憎恨的敌人。 ‘有。’ 酋长回答说。于是卡纳汉从酋长的手下挑出人来,又让自己的两个士兵演示给他们看如何操练。才两个星期,他们就已经操练得同英军的志愿部队差不多了。于是他和酋长一同来到一个山顶的大平原,酋长的手下冲进一个村庄将其拿下。我们三杆马提尼枪向敌人中间猛烈开火。所以这个村子也算是我们拿下的。我从外套上扯了一块布给酋长说, ‘管住这里,直等我回来。’ 这是《圣经》中的一句话。 [28] 为了让他们牢牢记住我,当我和两个士兵走出一千八百码远的时候,我朝着酋长身边放了一枪;他当时正站在雪地上。所有人都趴倒在地。接着我就给德拉沃特寄了一封信。”

冒着打断他思路的风险,我禁不住插话道: “你在那个地方怎么写信啊?”

“信?——呃,信!——请你一定要盯着我的眼睛。信是用结绳交谈的方式写的。这个方法是我们从旁遮普一个盲乞丐那儿学来的。”

我记得有一次,一个盲人走进办公室,手里拿着一根多节的树棍,棍上缠着一根绳子,缠的方式看起来像是什么密码。不管是过去了几个小时还是几天,他都能够把当时绕绳记下的句子再复述出来。他把字母表缩减为11个基本的发音。他本想把这方法教给我的,我却怎么都弄不明白。

“我给德拉沃特寄去了信,” 卡纳汉说道, “让他赶紧回来,因为这个王国扩张得太快,我快要应付不了了。然后我去了第一个山谷,看看那些祭司都怎么样了。他们管我们和那个酋长一同拿下的那个村子叫巴什卡,管我们第一个拿下的村子叫埃尔赫布。埃尔赫布的祭司干得不坏,但是他们告诉我,他们手头有许多关于土地的悬而未决的案子。到了晚上,另一个村子的有些人还会向这里放箭。我出去搜寻那个村子,在千码开外的地方朝村子开了四枪。我不想再浪费子弹,于是等着德拉沃特回来,他已经离开两三个月了。我尽量安抚住底下人的情绪。”

“一天早上,我听到鼓角齐鸣,声音震耳欲聋,只见丹·德拉沃特头戴一顶硕大的金冠,领着自己的军队从山上下来了,在他们的后面还有几百号人。 ‘上帝啊,卡纳汉,’ 丹尼尔喊道, ‘我们的这桩买卖真是大得不得了,整个国家,只要是有点价值的地方,都是我们的了。我是亚历山大大帝和塞米拉米斯皇后 [29] 的儿子,你是我的弟弟,也是一个神。这是我们见过的最了不起的事儿。我和我的士兵们这六个星期一直在行军和打仗,方圆五十英里内每个毫不起眼的小村子都欢欣鼓舞地来加入我们;还不仅如此呢,告诉你,我已经找到了秘诀。我还为你准备了一顶王冠!我在一个叫舒的地方命令他们打造了两顶王冠,那里的岩石到处藏着黄金,多得就像羊肉上的板油。我看见了黄金,在悬崖边找到了绿松石,在河沙里发现了石榴石,还有一个人给了我一大块琥珀。你现在马上召集所有的祭司到这里来会合。来,拿上你的王冠。’”

“他的一名手下打开一个黑色毛织袋,我拿出一顶王冠戴在头上。戴上去有点小,还有点沉,但是为了荣耀,我还是要戴。这王冠是真金打造而成,重达五磅,戴在头上就像套了一个箍。”

“ ‘皮奇,’ 德拉沃特说, ‘我们不用再打仗了。秘诀就在于共济会制度,上天可以作证!’ 说着,他把我留在巴什卡的那个酋长带上前来。后来我们都叫他比利·菲什,因为他长得特别像以前在波伦山口的马奇火车站开大水柜机车的那个比利·菲什。 ‘跟他握握手吧。’ 德拉沃特说,于是我和比利·菲什握了握手。结果我大吃一惊,因为比利·菲什以共济会握手礼跟我握手。我什么都没说,用技工握手礼来试他,他应对得很得体。我又用导师握手礼来试他,结果他就不会了。 ‘原来他是个技工会员啊!’ 我对丹说, ‘他知道级别暗号吗?’ ‘他知道,’ 丹回答说, ‘所有的祭司也都知道。真是一个奇迹!这些酋长和祭司可以组成一个技工会所,就跟我们的会所一样。他们还在岩石上刻共济会的标记。但是,他们不知道第三级别,因此打算来跟我们探个究竟。我说的全是实话。很多年前我就听说阿富汗人知道共济会的技工级别。这可真是个奇迹啊。我是一个神,还是共济会的总导师,我要开设一个导师会所,提升领头祭司和各村酋长的级别。’ [30]”

“ ‘这不合规矩。’ 我喊道, ‘开设会所需要总会所的批准;而且你知道的,我们在会所里没担任过任何职务。’”

“ ‘这是个绝妙的方法。’ 德拉沃特说, ‘有了这个法子,我们治理这个国家就像四轮大车下坡一样容易。我们现在不能停下来问这问那,否则他们会反过来对付我们的。我手下现在有40个酋长,我已经根据他们的功劳大小考评、提拔了他们。把他们分派到各个村子里去,就像是我们开了一个会所。英布拉神庙可以当作会所集会的地方。你可以教给女人们怎样做石匠围裙。今晚我要接见所有的酋长,明天再开个会所大会。’”

“我这一阵子东奔西跑都累坏了,但我还没蠢到看不出共济会制度会给我们带来多大的好处。我向祭司的家眷展示如何做不同级别的石匠围裙,但是给德拉沃特做的围裙不是布料子的,而是在一张白皮上用绿松石镶了边和标记。我们把神庙里的一块大方石当作导师座,其他小的石块则作为会员椅;我们还在黑色便道上涂上白色的方块,并尽量按照共济会的规矩来布置。”

“到了晚上,我们围着熊熊的篝火,在山腰举行了酋长接见大会。德拉沃特大声宣布,我跟他都是天神,是亚历山大大帝的儿子,还是正式得到承认的共济会总导师,我们来到卡菲尔斯坦就是为了建立一个人人能够好吃好喝、不受打扰的国家,这里的人都应该完全服从我们。于是酋长一个个走过来和我们握手,他们个个毛发浓密,黄头发白皮肤,和他们握手就像跟老朋友握手一样。我们觉得他们跟哪个我们以前在印度认识的人最相像,就给他取这个名字——比利·菲什、霍利·迪尔沃思,还有皮基·克尔甘,我在姆豪认识的一个市集老板的名字,如此等等。”

“最棒的是第二天晚上会所大会的场面。其中一个老祭司一直盯着我们看,这让我觉得有点不舒服,因为我知道,仪式的有些地方我们不得不蒙混过去,我不知道这些人到底了解多少。这位老祭司是张陌生面孔,他是从比巴什卡还要远的地方来的。德拉沃特刚围上女眷们给他做的导师围裙,这个祭司就高声叫嚷起来,还试图把德拉沃特正坐着的那块石头推翻。 ‘这下完蛋了!’ 我说, ‘这就是未经许可就搞什么共济会会所的下场!’ 德拉沃特眼睛都没眨一下,即使后来有十个祭司过来,放倒了总导师椅——其实,那只不过是英布拉庙的一块石头——他的眼睛也没眨过。那个老祭司擦着石头的底部,把黑泥都擦掉了。然后他指着那上面,让其他祭司看,原来那石头上刻着导师标记,就和德拉沃特围裙上的一样。就连英布拉神庙的祭司都不知道原来有这样一个标记。只见那个老家伙俯身趴在德拉沃特脚边的地上,亲吻他的双脚。 ‘运气又一次降临了。’ 德拉沃特对坐在房间另一头的我说, ‘他们说这个印记已经失传很久了,而且没有人知道是什么意思。我们现在万无一失了。’ 过了一会儿,他把枪托当作议事槌敲击地面,并开口说道, ‘我举右手庄严宣告,并由皮奇见证,在卡菲尔斯坦总会所任全国共济会总导师,并和皮奇并称卡菲尔斯坦国王!’ 说完这话,他和我就分别戴上王冠——我还是会所的高级会监——就这样,我们的会所就人丁兴旺地办起来了。真是一个惊人的奇迹!甚至不用教,祭司们就按照头两个级别的规矩执行了仪式,就好像他们突然恢复了记忆。随后,皮奇和德拉沃特提拔了一些重要会员——高级祭司和较远村落的酋长。比利·菲什是第一个;看得出来,他被我们两个人吓得魂都飞了。我们完全没有按照仪式的正经程序,但是达到了目的。提拔的人数没有超过十个,因为我们不想把这个级别搞得太普通。大家都吵吵嚷嚷,想要得到提拔。”

“ ‘再过六个月,’ 德拉沃特说道, ‘我们再开一次大会,看看你们都干得怎么样。’ 之后他询问了大家各自村子的事情,了解到他们彼此之间都在不停地打仗,都已经非常厌倦了。他们不是跟自己人打仗,就是跟伊斯兰教徒作战。 ‘你们可以跟侵略我们国家的人打仗。’ 德拉沃特说道, ‘每个村子十人里派出一人,去做边防兵。再每次派二百个人到这个山谷里来接受操练。只要做得好,那个人就不会被枪打死,也不会被矛刺死。我知道你们不会背叛我的,因为你们也是白种人——是亚历山大大帝的后代。你们是我的子民,我向上帝发誓,’ 他说到最后嘴里蹦出了英语, ‘我们会建立起一个强大的国家,为此我愿鞠躬尽瘁,死而后已!’”

“接下来六个月里发生的事情,我没办法一件件都讲了,因为德拉沃特做的很多事情我都不明白,而且他还学会了他们的土话,我却怎么都学不会。我的任务是教大家耕地,有时带着一些士兵到其他村子转转,看看他们那里情况如何。这个国家到处都是沟壑,没法通行,我们就让村民在沟壑上搭起了索桥。德拉沃特对我很好,但是他常常在松树林里踱来踱去,双手捋着血红的胡子;这个时候,我知道他是在思考计划,而我也帮不上忙,所以我只是等着他发号施令。”

“但是在人前,德拉沃特从不对我不敬。我们的国民害怕我,也害怕我的军队,可是他们拥戴丹。他和那些祭司和酋长是亲密的朋友。谁都可以不远万里翻山越岭地跑来申诉,每次德拉沃特都会耐心地听他讲完,然后把四个祭司召到一起,宣布要怎么办。如果小村子之间发生了战事,他就从巴什卡召来比利·菲什,从舒招来皮基·克尔甘,还有一个我们叫他卡夫泽勒姆的老酋长——这可能就是他的真名,和他们一起开紧急会议。这就像是他的军事委员会。来自巴什卡、舒、卡瓦克和马多拉的四位祭司是他的私人议事会。他们让我带着四十名士兵、二十把步枪,还有六十个运送绿松石的人,到戈尔班去换购手工制的马提尼步枪。这些步枪出自埃米尔在喀布尔的工作坊,是埃米尔部下一个赫拉特人军团卖给我们的。这些人为了绿松石,连自己的牙齿都可以拿来卖。”

‘我在戈尔班待了一个月,拿我最好的东西献给了那里的总督,当作是封口费;我还贿赂了军团的上校。从这两个人,还有一些部落那里,我们弄到了一百多支手工马提尼枪,一百把射程六百码、质量上乘的阿富汗长滑膛枪,以及够四十个人背驮的劣质步枪弹药。我满载而归,把枪支弹药分发给酋长派来受训的士兵。德拉沃特很忙,对这些事无暇顾及,但是我们最先组建的那支军队帮了我不少忙。我们训练出了一支五百人的队伍,还有两百人至少可以稳稳当当地把枪端好。他们拿到那些枪管歪斜的手工枪就已经觉得是一件了不起的大事了。冬天就要到来的时候,德拉沃特在松林里来回踱步,大声地自言自语着什么火药作坊和工厂。

“ ‘我不只要建立一个国家,’ 德拉沃特说, ‘我要建立一个帝国!这些人全是英国人!看看他们的眼睛——再看看他们的嘴。看看他们站立的姿势。他们在自家屋里是坐在椅子上的。他们大概就是那些消失的部落,所以他们最终成了英国人。如果祭司们不介意的话,我想在春天搞一次人口普查。我想这些山里一定有两百万的人口。村子里到处都是小孩儿。两百万人口啊——其中有二十五万人可以当兵——而且全是英国兵!他们缺的只是步枪和一点操练。二十五万名战士已经准备好了,只要俄国敢来袭击印度,我们便直插她的右肋。皮奇,哎,伙计!’ 他说话的时候大口嚼着自己的胡子, ‘我们就要成为皇帝了——整个地球的皇帝!到时候,布鲁克大君 [31] 在我们面前就是个乳臭未干的小子。我要和印度总督平起平坐。我要让他给我派十二个英国人——精挑细选十二个我认得的人——来帮我们治国。塞戈里的退役中士麦克雷算一个,他请我吃过好多次饭,他老婆还送过我一条裤子。还有东吁监狱的典狱长唐金。如果我人在印度的话,能够挑出几百个人来。总督一定会答应我的。春天一到,我就派个人过去,把这些人都接过来。我还要给英国共济会写封信,把我作为卡菲尔斯坦总导师所做的一切都告诉他们,让他们寄来特许状。还有那些施耐德枪,我们也得要过来。印度的土著部队把武器都换成马提尼枪时,这些施耐德枪都要被扔掉的。这些枪的膛线可能已经磨平了,但用在我们这里的山区还是足够的。十二个英国人,十万支施耐德枪,零零星星地穿过埃米尔的领地到我们这里来——一年之内运过来两万支枪我就满足了——我们就要成为一个真正的帝国了。一切都办妥之后,我就跪拜在维多利亚女王面前,把王冠——就是我现在头上戴的这顶——递到她的手里。她就会说, “请起,丹尼尔·德拉沃特爵士。” 喔,太了不起了!我跟你说,这真是太了不起了!不过在每个地方我们都还有好多事情要做呢——巴什卡、卡瓦克、舒,还有所有其他的地方。’”

“ ‘还有什么事情要做呢?’ 我问道, ‘这个秋天我们就不能再练兵了。你看那大片大片的乌云。这里就要下雪了。’”

“ ‘我不是说练兵的事。’ 丹尼尔把他的手重重地搭在我的肩膀上,说道, ‘我不想说什么指责你的话,因为再没有人像你这样一直跟着我,没有你就没有今天的我。你是个一级棒的总司令,大家都尊敬你;但是,这是一个庞大的国家,有些事儿你帮不了我,皮奇。’”

“ ‘那么你去找你那些该死的祭司吧!’ 我说道。其实话一出口,我就后悔了,但是看到丹尼尔那么高高在上地跟我说话,我很痛心,更何况都是我操练了所有的士兵,他吩咐我做什么我也都照做了。”

“ ‘我们别吵,皮奇。’ 丹尼尔心平气和地说, ‘你也是国王,这一半的江山是属于你的。但是皮奇,你也知道我们现在需要比我们更聪明的人——至少需要三四个,这样的话,我们把他们派到全国各地,作为我们的代表。这是一个大得不得了的国家,有时候我也不知道该做什么才是对的,也没有时间来做所有我想做的事。更何况冬天马上就要来了。’ 他说着,把一半的胡子放进了嘴里,那团胡子红就像王冠上的金子般夺目。”

“ ‘对不起,丹尼尔,’ 我说道, ‘我已经竭尽所能。我已经练完了兵,也教了这些人怎么样更好地堆麦秆,我还从戈尔班买来了那些镀锡步枪——不过我明白你的意思。我想当国王的总是会有压力。’”

“ ‘还有一件事儿。’ 德拉沃特边踱边说, ‘冬天就要来了,这些人不会闹事,即使闹起来,我们也不能离开。所以,我想找个老婆。’”

“ ‘天啊,还是离女人远一点吧!’ 我喊道, ‘尽管我有些笨,可是我们要做的事已经够多的了。你还记得我们的契约吧,绝对不能跟女人沾上关系。’”

“ ‘契约到我们称王为止就失效了;从我们称王算起,都已经过了几个月了。’ 德拉沃特边说,手里边掂量着王冠。 ‘你也找一个,皮奇——找个标致、壮实、丰满的女孩,那样的话你就能暖暖和和地过冬了。这里的女孩儿可比英国的漂亮,我们可以随便选。拾掇拾掇,她们就出落成天仙了。’”

“ ‘别想引诱我!我可不想跟任何一个女人扯上什么关系,至少要等到我们再安定些。我干的是两个人的活计,你干的是三个人的活计。咱们歇上一段时间,看看能不能从阿富汗弄些上好的烟草,再捎上些好酒,但就是别惹女人。’ 我说道。”

“ ‘谁说女人了?’ 德拉沃特说, ‘我说的是老婆,给国王生养儿子的王后。这个王后必须出身最强大的部落,这样就和这个部落攀上了亲,他们成了你的兄弟;她躺在你的身边,告诉你所有人对你的评价以及他们所有的事情。这才是我想要的。’”

“ ‘还记得我在莫卧儿宫那里当铁道养路工时养的那个孟加拉女人吗?’ 我问, ‘看看她都给我带来了什么好处。教我说了几句土话什么的。可后来呢?她和站长的一个仆人跑了,还带走了我半个月的薪水。后来她又拖着个混血儿跑到达达尔站来,还厚颜无耻地说我是她的丈夫——在机车库里当着所有火车司机的面啊!’”

“ ‘这些都是过去的事了。’ 德拉沃特说, ‘这儿的女人比你和我都白,我要找个王后陪我过冬。’”

“ ‘我再求你最后一次,丹,别这样做。’ 我说道, ‘那只会给我们带来麻烦。《圣经》里面说过,国王不会把时间浪费在女人身上,尤其是刚刚登基的国王。’”

“ ‘我也再最后回答一次,我要这么做。’ 德拉沃特说完,便穿过松树林离开了。阳光照在他的王冠和红胡子上,让他看起来就像一个大块头的红色魔鬼。”

“结果,娶个老婆并不像丹想得那么简单。他跟议事会成员讲了自己的想法,大家都一声不吭,直到后来比利·菲什说他最好先问问那些女孩的意思。德拉沃特大发雷霆。 ‘怎么就不行?’ 他站在英布拉神像旁边大声喊着, ‘难道我是一条狗吗?难道对你们的女人来说我不够男人吗?这个国家难道不是我说了算吗?你们忘记了,是谁击退了阿富汗人的袭击?’ 事实上仗是我打的,不过德拉沃特已经都气糊涂了。 ‘谁给你们买的枪?谁修好的桥?谁是石头上指示的总导师?’ 他问道,手还不停地敲打会所里他坐的那块大石头。他开议事会的时候也坐在那上面,其实议事会和会所大会也没什么两样。比利·菲什一言不发,其他人也是一样。 ‘别发火,丹,’ 我说道, ‘去问问那些女孩吧。在老家英国,我们也是这么做的。这里的人跟英国人也差不多。’”

“ ‘国王娶妻是国家大事。’ 丹说;他已经气得要发狂了,我希望他能够意识到自己正在丧失理智。他走出议事厅,其他人仍然一动不动地坐在那里,眼睛盯着地面。”

“ ‘比利·菲什,’ 我问那个巴什卡酋长, ‘问题到底出在哪里?如果你把我当朋友,就老实告诉我吧。’”

“ ‘你是知道答案的。’ 比利·菲什说, ‘我怎么能回答像你这样一个全知的神呢?人间的女子怎么能嫁给天神或恶魔呢?这是不合规矩的。’”

“我记得《圣经》里有过类似的话。但如果和我们相处了这么长时间之后,他们还相信我们是神,那我也不忍心向他们揭穿事实。”

“ ‘神可以做任何事。如果国王喜欢一个女人,就不会让她死。’ 我说。 ‘她不得不死。’ 比利·菲什说道, ‘在这些山里有各种各样的神魔,有时候会把一个女孩子嫁给他们,这个女孩子就再也不会露面了。另外,你们两个知道刻在石头上的标记。只有天神知道那个。我们原来以为你们都是凡人,直到你们把导师的标记给我们看,我们才相信。’”

“要是一早把导师石匠的秘密如何失传的事告诉他们就好了。但是我什么都没说。整晚都有阵阵号角声从半山腰一个昏暗的小庙里传来,我还听见一个女孩子哭得死去活来。一个祭司告诉我,已经安排了这个女孩嫁给国王。”

“ ‘我决不答应这种蠢事。我不想破坏你们的习俗,但我娶老婆的事我说了算。’ 丹说。 ‘那个女孩有点害怕,她以为自己要死了。大家都在庙里开解她呢。’ 祭司解释道。”

“ ‘那就好好地开解她,要温柔点。’ 德拉沃特说, ‘否则下次 DouPnYxVg/Jc/R9qKpOgiC8pSCRTtkLT7ZCg6LPZ/ihINQZ3Cwl6QqgD7CHMstry



The Man Who Would Be King(1)

Rudyard Kipling

Brother to a Prince and fellow to a beggar if he be found worthy.

The Law, as quoted, lays down a fair conduct of life, and one not easy to follow. I have been fellow to a beggar again and again under circumstances which prevented either of us finding out whether the other was worthy. I have still to be brother to a Prince, though I once came near to kinship with what might have been a veritable King, and was promised the reversion of a Kingdom—army, law—courts, revenue, and policy all complete. But, to—day, I greatly fear that my King is dead, and if I want a crown I must go hunt it for myself.

The beginning of everything was in a railway—train upon the road to Mhow from Ajmir. There had been a Deficit in the Budget, which necessitated travelling, not Second—class, which is only half as dear as First—class, but by Intermediate, which is very awful indeed. There are no cushions in the Intermediate class, and the population are either Intermediate, which is Eurasian, or native, which for a long night journey is nasty, or Loafer, which is amusing though intoxicated. Intermediates do not buy from refreshment—rooms. They carry their food in bundles and pots, and buy sweets from the native sweetmeat—sellers, and drink the roadside water. This is why in hot weather Intermediates are taken out of the carriages dead, and in all weathers are most properly looked down upon.

My particular Intermediate happened to be empty till I reached Nasirabad, when the big black—browed gentleman in shirt—sleeves entered, and, following the custom of Intermediates, passed the time of day. He was a wanderer and a vagabond like myself, but with an educated taste for whisky. He told tales of things he had seen and done, of out—of—the—way corners of the Empire into which he had penetrated, and of adventures in which he risked his life for a few days' food.

"If India was filled with men like you and me, not knowing more than the crows where they'd get their next day's rations, it isn't seventy millions of revenue the land would be paying—it's seven hundred millions, " said he; and as I looked at his mouth and chin I was disposed to agree with him.

We talked politics, —the politics of Loaferdom that sees things from the under side where the lath and plaster is not smoothed off, —and we talked postal arrangements because my friend wanted to send a telegram back from the next station to Ajmir, the turning—off place from the Bombay to the Mhow line as you travel westward. My friend had no money beyond eight annas which he wanted for dinner, and I had no money at all, owing to the hitch in the Budget before mentioned. Further, I was going into a wilderness where, though I should resume touch with the Treasury, there were no telegraph offices. I was, therefore, unable to help him in any way.

"We might threaten a Station—master, and make him send a wire on tick, " said my friend, "but that'd mean inquiries for you and for me, and I've got my hands full these days. Did you say you were travelling back along this line within any days? "

"Within ten, " I said.

"Can't you make it eight? " said he. "Mine is rather urgent business. "

"I can send your telegrams within ten days if that will serve you, " I said.

"I couldn't trust the wire to fetch him, now I think of it. It's this way. He leaves Delhi on the 23rd for Bombay. That means he'll be running through Ajmir about the night of the 23rd. "

"But I 'm going into the Indian Desert, " I explained.

"Well and good, " said he. "You'll be changing at Marwar Junction to get into Jodhpore territory, —you must do that, —and he'll be coming through Marwar Junction in the early morning of the 24th by the Bombay Mail. Can you be at Marwar Junction on that time? 'T won't be inconveniencing you, because I know that there's precious few pickings to be got out of these Central India States—even though you pretend to be correspondent of the' Backwoodsman. '"

"Have you ever tried that trick? " I asked.

"Again and again, but the Residents find you out, and then you get escorted to the Border before you've time to get your knife into them. But about my friend here. I must give him a word o 'mouth to tell him what's come to me, or else he won't know where to go. I would take it more than kind of you if you was to come out of Central India in time to catch him at Marwar Junction, and say to him, ' He has gone South for the week. 'He'll know what that means. He's a big man with a red beard, and a great swell he is. You'll find him sleeping like a gentleman with all his luggage round him in a Second—class apartment. But don't you be afraid. Slip down the window and say, ' He has gone South for the week, 'and he'll tumble. It's only cutting your time of stay in those parts by two days. I ask you as a stranger—going to the West, " he said, with emphasis.

"Where have you come from? " said I.

"From the East, " said he, "and I am hoping that you will give him the message on the Square—for the sake of my Mother as well as your own. "

Englishmen are not usually softened by appeals to the memory of their mothers; but for certain reasons, which will be fully apparent, I saw fit to agree.

"It's more than a little matter, " said he, "and that's why I asked you to do it—and now I know that I can depend on you doing it. A Second—class carriage at Marwar Junction, and a red—haired man asleep in it. You'll be sure to remember. I get out at the next station, and I must hold on there till he comes or sends me what I want. "

"I'll give the message if I catch him, " I said, "and for the sake of your Mother as well as mine I'll give you a word of advice. Don't try to run the Central India States just now as the correspondent of the 'Backwoodsman. ' There's a real one knocking about here, and it might lead to trouble. "

"Thank you, " said he, simply; "and when will the swine be gone? I can't starve because he's ruining my work. I wanted to get hold of the Degumber Rajah down here about his father's widow, and give him a jump. "

"What did he do to his father's widow, then? "

"Filled her up with red pepper and slippered her to death as she hung from a beam. I found that out myself, and I 'm the only man that would dare going into the State to get hush—money for it. They'll try to poison me, same as they did in Chortumna when I went on the loot there. But you'll give the man at Marwar Junction my message? "

He got out at a little roadside station, and I reflected. I had heard, more than once, of men personating correspondents of newspapers and bleeding small Native States with threats of exposure, but I had never met any of the caste before. They lead a hard life, and generally die with great suddenness. The Native States have a wholesome horror of English newspapers, which may throw light on their peculiar methods of government, and do their best to choke correspondents with champagne, or drive them out of their mind with four—in—hand barouches. They do not understand that nobody cares a straw for the internal administration of Native States so long as oppression and crime are kept within decent limits, and the ruler is not drugged, drunk, or diseased from one end of the year to the other. They are the dark places of the earth, full of unimaginable cruelty, touching the Railway and the Telegraph on one side, and, on the other, the days of Harun—al—Raschid. When I left the train I did business with divers Kings, and in eight days passed through many changes of life. Sometimes I wore dress—clothes and consorted with Princes and Politicals, drinking from crystal and eating from silver. Sometimes I lay out upon the ground and devoured what I could get, from a plate made of leaves, and drank the running water, and slept under the same rug as my servant. It was all in the day's work.

Then I headed for the Great Indian Desert upon the proper date, as I had promised, and the night Mail set me down at Marwar Junction, where a funny little, happy—go—lucky, native—managed railway runs to Jodhpore. The Bombay Mail from Delhi makes a short halt at Marwar. She arrived just as I got in, and I had just time to hurry to her platform and go down the carriages. There was only one Second—class on the train. I slipped the window and looked down upon a flaming—red beard, half covered by a railway—rug. That was my man, fast asleep, and I dug him gently in the ribs. He woke with a grunt, and I saw his face in the light of the lamps. It was a great and shining face.

"Tickets again? " said he.

"No, " said I. "I am to tell you that he is gone South for the week. He has gone South for the week! "

The train had begun to move out. The red man rubbed his eyes. "He has gone South for the week, " he repeated. "Now that's just like his impidence. Did he say that I was to give you anything? 'Cause I won't. "

"He didn't, " I said, and dropped away, and watched the red lights die out in the dark. It was horribly cold because the wind was blowing off the sands. I climbed into my own train—not an Intermediate carriage this time—and went to sleep.

If the man with the beard had given me a rupee I should have kept it as a memento of a rather curious affair. But the consciousness of having done my duty was my only reward.

Later on I reflected that two gentlemen like my friends could not do any good if they foregathered and personated correspondents of newspapers, and might, if they blackmailed one of the little rat—trap States of Central India or Southern Rajputana, get themselves into serious difficulties. I therefore took some trouble to describe them as accurately as I could remember to people who would be interested in deporting them; and succeeded, so I was later informed, in having them headed back from the Degumber borders.

Then I became respectable, and returned to an office where there were no Kings and no incidents outside the daily manufacture of a newspaper. A newspaper office seems to attract every conceivable sort of person, to the prejudice of discipline. Zenana—mission ladies arrive, and beg that the Editor will instantly abandon all his duties to describe a Christian prize—giving in a back slum of a perfectly inaccessible village; Colonels who have been overpassed for command sit down and sketch the outline of a series of ten, twelve, or twenty—four leading articles on Seniority versus Selection; missionaries wish to know why they have not been permitted to escape from their regular vehicles of abuse, and swear at a brother missionary under special patronage of the editorial We; stranded theatrical companies troop up to explain that they cannot pay for their advertisements, but on their return from New Zealand or Tahiti will do so with interest; inventors of patent punka—pulling machines, carriage couplings, and unbreakable swords and axletrees call with specifications in their pockets and hours at their disposal; tea companies enter and elaborate their prospectuses with the office pens; secretaries of ball committees clamour to have the glories of their last dance more fully described; strange ladies rustle in and say, "I want a hundred lady's cards printed at once, please, " which is manifestly part of an Editor's duty; and every dissolute ruffian that ever tramped the Grand Trunk Road makes it his business to ask for employment as a proof—reader. And, all the time, the telephone—bell is ringing madly, and Kings are being killed on the Continent, and Empires are saying, "You're another, " and Mister Gladstone is calling down brimstone upon the British Dominions, and the little black copyboys are whining, "kaa—pi chay—ha—yeh" ( "Copy wanted" ), like tired bees, and most of the paper is as blank as Modred's shield.

But that is the amusing part of the year. There are six other months when none ever come to call, and the thermometer walks inch by inch up to the top of the glass, and the office is darkened to just above reading—light, and the press—machines are red—hot to touch, and nobody writes anything but accounts of amusements in the Hill—stations or obituary notices. Then the telephone becomes a tinkling terror, because it tells you of the sudden deaths of men and women that you knew intimately, and the prickly heat covers you with a garment, and you sit down and write: "A slight increase of sickness is reported from the Khuda Janta Khan District. The outbreak is purely sporadic in its nature, and, thanks to the energetic efforts of the District authorities, is now almost at an end. It is, however, with deep regret we record the death, " etc.

Then the sickness really breaks out, and the less recording and reporting the better for the peace of the subscribers. But the Empires and the Kings continue to divert themselves as selfishly as before, and the Foreman thinks that a daily paper really ought to come out once in twenty—four hours, and all the people at the Hill—stations in the middle of their amusements say, "Good gracious! why can't the paper be sparkling? I 'm sure there's plenty going on up here. "

That is the dark half of the moon, and, as the advertisements say, "must be experienced to be appreciated. "

It was in that season, and a remarkably evil season, that the paper began running the last issue of the week on Saturday night, which is to say Sunday morning, after the custom of a London paper. This was a great convenience, for immediately after the paper was put to bed the dawn would lower the thermometer from 96 degrees to almost 84 degrees for half an hour, and in that chill—you have no idea how cold is 84 degrees on the grass until you begin to pray for it—a very tired man could get off to sleep ere the heat roused him.

One Saturday night it was my pleasant duty to put the paper to bed alone. A King or courtier or a courtesan or a Community was going to die or get a new Constitution, or do something that was important on the other side of the world, and the paper was to be held open till the latest possible minute in order to catch the telegram.

It was a pitchy—black night, as stifling as a June night can be, and the loo, the red—hot wind from the westward, was booming among the tinder—dry trees and pretending that the rain was on its heels. Now and again a spot of almost boiling water would fall on the dust with the flop of a frog, but all our weary world knew that was only pretence. It was a shade cooler in the press—room than the office, so I sat there, while the type ticked and clicked, and the night—jars hooted at the windows, and the all but naked compositors wiped the sweat from their foreheads and called for water. The thing that was keeping us back, whatever it was, would not come off, though the loo dropped and the last type was set, and the whole round earth stood still in the choking heat, with its finger on its lip, to wait the event. I drowsed, and wondered whether the telegraph was a blessing, and whether this dying man, or struggling people, might be aware of the inconvenience the delay was causing. There was no special reason beyond the heat and worry to make tension, but, as the clock—hands crept up to three o'clock and the machines spun their fly—wheels two and three times to see that all was in order, before I said the word that would set them off, I could have shrieked aloud.

Then the roar and rattle of the wheels shivered the quiet into little bits. I rose to go away, but two men in white clothes stood in front of me. The first one said, "It's him! " The second said, "So it is! " And they both laughed almost as loudly as the machinery roared, and mopped their foreheads. "We seed there was a light burning across the road, and we were sleeping in that ditch there for coolness, and I said to my friend here, 'The office is open. Let's come along and speak to him as turned us back from Degumber State, ' " said the smaller of the two. He was the man I had met in the Mhow train, and his fellow was the red—bearded man of Marwar Junction. There was no mistaking the eyebrows of the one or the beard of the other.

I was not pleased, because I wished to go to sleep, not to squabble with loafers. "What do you want? " I asked.

"Half an hour's talk with you, cool and comfortable, in the office, " said the red—bearded man. "We'd like some drink, —the Contrack doesn't begin yet, Peachey, so you needn't look, —but what we really want is advice. We don't want money. We ask you as a favour, because we found out you did us a bad turn about Degumber State. "

I led from the press—room to the stifling office with the maps on the walls, and the red—haired man rubbed his hands. "That's something like, " said he. "This was the proper shop to come to. Now, Sir, let me introduce you to Brother Peachey Carnehan, that's him, and Brother Daniel Dravot, that is me, and the less said about our professions the better, for we have been most things in our time—soldier, sailor, compositor, photographer, proof—reader, street—preacher, and correspondents of the 'Backwoodsman' when we thought the paper wanted one. Carnehan is sober, and so am I. Look at us first, and see that's sure. It will save you cutting into my talk. We'll take one of your cigars apiece, and you shall see us light up. "

I watched the test. The men were absolutely sober, so I gave them each a tepid whisky—and—soda.

"Well and good, " said Carnehan of the eyebrows, wiping the froth from his moustache. "Let me talk now, Dan. We have been all over India, mostly on foot. We have been boiler—fitters, engine—drivers, petty contractors, and all that, and we have decided that India isn't big enough for such as us. "

They certainly were too big for the office. Dravot's beard seemed to fill half the room and Carnehan's shoulders the other half, as they sat on the big table. Carnehan continued: "The country isn't half worked out because they that governs it won't let you touch it. They spend all their blessed time in governing it, and you can't lift a spade, nor chip a rock, nor look for oil, nor anything like that, without all the Government saying, 'Leave it alone, and let us govern. ' Therefore, such as it is, we will let it alone, and go away to some other place where a man isn't crowded and can come to his own. We are not little men, and there is nothing that we are afraid of except Drink, and we have signed a Contrack on that. Therefore we are going away to be Kings. "

"Kings in our own right, " muttered Dravot.

"Yes, of course, " I said. "You've been tramping in the sun, and it's a very warm night, and hadn't you better sleep over the notion? Come to—morrow. "

"Neither drunk nor sunstruck, " said Dravot. "We have slept over the notion half a year, and require to see Books and Atlases, and we have decided that there is only one place now in the world that two strong men can Sar—a—whack. They call it Kafiristan. By my reckoning it's the top right—hand corner of Afghanistan, not more than three hundred miles from Peshawar. They have two and thirty heathen idols there, and we'll be the thirty—third and fourth. It's a mountaineous country, the women of those parts are very beautiful. "

"But that is provided against in the Contrack, " said Carnehan. "Neither Women nor Liquor, Daniel. "

"And that's all we know, except that no one has gone there, and they fight, and in any place where they fight a man who knows how to drill men can always be a King. We shall go to those parts and say to any King we find, 'D' you want to vanquish your foes? 'and we will show him how to drill men; for that we know better than anything else. Then we will subvert that King and seize his Throne and establish a Dynasty. "

"You'll be cut to pieces before you're fifty miles across the Border, " I said. "You have to travel through Afghanistan to get to that country. It's one mass of mountains and peaks and glaciers, and no Englishman has been through it. The people are utter brutes, and even if you reached them you couldn't do anything. "

"That's more like, " said Carnehan. "If you could think us a little more mad we would be more pleased. We have come to you to know about this country, to read a book about it, and to be shown maps. We want you to tell us that we are fools and to show us your books. " He turned to the bookcases.

"Are you at all in earnest? " I said.

"A little, " said Dravot, sweetly. "As big a map as you have got, even if it's all blank where Kafiristan is, and any books you've got. We can read, though we aren't very educated. "

I uncased the big thirty—two—miles—to—the—inch map of India and two smaller Frontier maps, hauled down volume INF—KAN of the "Encyclopaedia Britannica, " and the men consulted them.

"See here! " said Dravot, his thumb on the map. "Up to Jagdallak, Peachey and me know the road. We was there with Robert's Army. We'll have to turn off to the right at Jagdallak through Laghmann territory. Then we get among the hills—fourteen thousand feet—fifteen thousand—it will be cold work there, but it don't look very far on the map. "

I handed him Wood on the "Sources of the Oxus. " Carnehan was deep in the "Encyclopaedia. "

"They're a mixed lot, " said Dravot, reflectively; "and it won't help us to know the names of their tribes. The more tribes the more they'll fight, and the better for us. From Jagdallak to Ashang. H 'mm! "

"But all the information about the country is as sketchy and inaccurate as can be, " I protested. "No one knows anything about it really. Here's the file of the 'United Services' Institute. ' Read what Bellew says. "

"Blow Bellew! " said Carnehan. "Dan, they're a stinkin 'lot of heathens, but this book here says they think they're related to us English. "

I smoked while the men poured over Raverty, Wood, the maps, and the "Encyclopaedia. "

"There is no use your waiting, " said Dravot, politely. "It's about four o'clock now. We'll go before six o'clock if you want to sleep, and we won't steal any of the papers. Don't you sit up. We're two harmless lunatics, and if you come to—morrow evening down to the Serai we'll say good—bye to you. "

"You are two fools, " I answered. "You'll be turned back at the Frontier or cut up the minute you set foot in Afghanistan. Do you want any money or a recommendation down—country? I can help you to the chance of work next week. "

"Next week we shall be hard at work ourselves, thank you, " said Dravot. "It isn't so easy being a King as it looks. When we've got our Kingdom in going order we'll let you know, and you can come up and help us govern it. "

"Would two lunatics make a Contrack like that? " said Carnehan, with subdued pride, showing me a greasy half—sheet of notepaper on which was written the following. I copied it, then and there, as a curiosity.

This Contracx between me and you persuing witnesseth in the name of God—Amen and so forth.

(One) That me and you will settle this matter together; i. e., to be Kings of Kafiristan.

(Two) That you and me will not, while this matter is being settled, look at any Liquor, nor any Woman, black, white, or brown, so as to get mixed up with one or the other harmful.

(Three) That we conduct ourselves with Dignity and Discretion, and if one of us gets into trouble the other will stay by him.

Signed by you and me this day.

Peachey Taliaferro Carnehan.

Daniel Dravot.

Both Gentlemen at Large. "There was no need for the last article, " said Carnehan, blushing modestly; "but it looks regular. Now you know the sort of men that loafers are, —we are loafers, Dan, until we get out of India, —and do you think that we would sign a Contrack like that unless we was in earnest? We have kept away from the two things that make life worth having. "

"You won't enjoy your lives much longer if you are going to try this idiotic adventure. Don't set the office on fire, " I said, "and go away before nine o'clock. "

I left them still poring over the maps and making notes on the back of the "Contrack. " "Be sure to come down to the Serai to—morrow, " were their parting words.

The Kumharsen Serai is the great foursquare sink of humanity where the strings of camels and horses from the North load and unload. All the nationalities of Central Asia may be found there, and most of the folk of India proper. Balkh and Bokhara there meet Bengal and Bombay, and try to draw eye—teeth. You can buy ponies, turquoises, Persian pussy—cats, saddle—bags, fat—tailed sheep, and musk in the Kumharsen Serai, and get many strange things for nothing. In the afternoon I went down to see whether my friends intended to keep their word or were lying there drunk.

A priest attired in fragments of ribbons and rags stalked up to me, gravely twisting a child's paper whirligig. Behind him was his servant bending under the load of a crate of mud toys. The two were loading up two camels, and the inhabitants of the Serai watched them with shrieks of laughter.

"The priest is mad, " said a horse—dealer to me. "He is going up to Kabul to sell toys to the Amir. He will either be raised to honour or have his head cut off. He came in here this morning and has been behaving madly ever since. "

"The witless are under the protection of God, " stammered a flat—cheeked Usbeg in broken Hindi. "They foretell future events. "

"Would they could have foretold that my caravan would have been cut up by the Shinwaris almost within shadow of the Pass! " grunted the Eusufzai agent of a Rajputana trading—house whose goods had been diverted into the hands of other robbers just across the Border, and whose misfortunes were the laughing—stock of the bazaar. "Ohe, priest, whence come you and whither do you go? " Oj9nBzNLwHnYdbFr+Fv+YkzXe8MwVYqGoMK3Ku4L8sw9FjUJL5YQw+HI8LOJiWVF

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