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第四节 SAT作文的开头、结尾和正文

我们以下面的一篇SAT作文题目作为范本,来详细介绍SAT作文的一些写作套路。同时,我们会分析该题目的6分、5分、4分和3分作文之间的不同点。

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

Intellectuals in America and abroad have debated over the concept of success in American Culture. Success can be defined quite differently by different people, but few people argue that being successful is not considered valuable. However, some people also advocate the view that something considered unsuccessful can also have some value.

Assignment: What is your view of the claim that something unsuccessful can still have some value? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.

● SAT作文的开头

任何一篇作文都离不开开头,英文叫Introduction Paragraph。许多学生对作文的开头感到茫然,他们不知道如何开始一篇文章。作为开始段落,最少要3到5句话才可以构成一个有效的段落,但许多学生往往一两句就匆匆结束,起码从字数上看就不是个成功的开始段落。

许多学生的一个困惑是,开始段落写什么啊?除了直截了当地回答作文题的问题外,似乎找不到别的内容来充实开始段落。主要原因还是他们没有形成一个开始段落的套路。虽然作文无定论,SAT作文也没有告诉你应该按照什么方式来开始一个段落,但熟悉套路的好处是,面对一个陌生的题目可以迅速按相关套路组织语言材料,在最短时间内形成一个有效段落。

可以这么说,在开始段落,你必须正面回答作文题的问题。比如,上面这个题目,问的是你认为人们是否从失败中获得收益?在第一段,这个问题是必须回答的,你的回答可以视作是你这篇作文的中心论点。但许多同学上来就立即回答问题,如有的考生对该题目会这样开始:I think that we can learn something valuable from something unsuccessful。如果这样开始一篇文章,实在过于直接,文章的嚼劲就不足了。如果把中心论点作为一个核心,那么应该有几句过渡的话慢慢绕到这个中心点上,但也不可以绕得太远。

就这个题目,怎样开头呢?

开始段落的基本套路是讲些堂而皇之的话,但是这些话必须要围绕着一些关键词展开。比如本题,问的是是否可以从失败中学到一些有益的东西,那么开头段落就应该围绕着“失败”、“成功”和“学习有益东西”来展开。不妨说点冠冕堂皇的话来充实第一段的内容,然后逐步绕到中心点上,摆明自己的观点。比如可以说,人人渴望成功,但并非人人都可以成功。在成功的路上,失败总是难免的。失败虽然令人不快,让人饱受挫折,但失败是成功之母,只有经历了失败,吸取了更多的教训,才可能获得最后的成功等等。在这个时候可以把自己的观点表明出来了,即我认为人们是可以从失败中获得有益的教训的。你也可以这么开始这篇文章,比如成功的人受到公众的羡慕,有鲜花掌声,金钱地位,但失败的人受到公众的唾弃,甚至是亲人的蔑视等等。这是个鲜明的对比,表明现代社会中成功和失败的两种不同结局。但是,成功的人毕竟是少数。事实上,那些高高在上的成功人士在达到人生的辉煌之前,也经历过许许多多的失败,饱尝过失败的艰辛。但是他们不气馁,而是认真总结失败的教训,并在以后的人生中以此为鉴,避免了许多错误,最终到达成功的彼岸。所以我认为失败是成功的基础,对成功是有帮助的。总之,开头你到底要说什么可以千变万化,但都要围绕几个关键词展开。

在把自己的观点表明后,接下来就该要举例来证明自己的观点了,这个例子可以放在正文里来详细说明,但在第一段还是最好提到下面即将要举的例子,这可以说是全文的thesis statement。

综上所言,在第一段,你应该表明自己的观点(中心论点),同时要提及将要在正文里列举的例子,在表明中心观点前,讲几句“废话”来慢慢过渡到你的中心论点上。这就是开始段落的套路。

按照这个套路,任何作文题的开始都可以迎刃而解了。在实际操作中,许多学生对中心论点和thesis statement都可以很好地把握,关键就是觉得说那几句冠冕堂皇的“废话”很难。其实,说“废话”的能力是可以通过练习慢慢培养的。

任何作文的中心论点就那么一句话,举什么样的例子也是几句话可以讲清楚的,如果考生不具备讲“废话”的能力,整个文章就会显得苍白单薄。

好莱坞巨片泰坦尼克号,让多少观众泪水涟涟。虽然这仅仅是个沉船上发生的爱情故事,但导演的高超导演技巧,让观众一步步走进他的凄美悲凉的世界,四个小时的电影,观众被导演牢牢牵着走,没有丝毫枯燥乏味的感觉。对一个不具备讲废话的导演来说,可能3分钟就可以让这个电影结束了。在第一分钟让Jack和Rose同时登上船并相识,第二分钟让泰坦尼克撞上冰山,第三分钟让Jack死掉。但是泰坦尼克在一开始就是很boring的,有30分钟就在那讲打捞沉船的细节,在观众快不能忍受的时候,导演给Rose的眼睛一个大大的特写,从那蔚蓝的眼睛中霎时跳出了泰坦尼克号邮轮,这个经典的爱情故事才算是正式开始了。

这个电影给我们的经典启示就是,一定要学会讲废话,要学会铺垫,把真正激动人心的东西先压抑着,在关键时刻再拿出来。这对SAT作文是同样有效的。

● SAT作文的结束

作文的结尾叫Conclusion Paragraph。许多同学对怎么样写结尾段落也感到茫然。如同开始段落一样,结尾段落的写法也是有套路可循的。

既然结尾段落是全文的总结,第一句最好把自己的中心论点再重复一次。但是一定要记住,你重复的是你的中心论点,而不是中心论点句子的简单重复。就是说,意思可以是那个中心论点,但句子不能照原来的句子生搬硬套。比如刚才的题目,在第一段作者的中心论点是value is not only found in success,而在结束段,就最好不要写成In conclusion, value is not only found in success,这样写太单调了点。可以写成In conclusion, we can learn something helpful from failures或者说In conclusion, failure can teach us something helpful等等。反正意思不能和中心论点冲突,但在具体的遣词造句上应该灵活点。

许多同学都知道在结束段落首先应该把自己的观点再讲一次,但讲完这个conclusion就不知道下面该写什么了,这里也是有套路的。把结论重复后,紧接着就是把自己的论据即刚才的例子再提一下,说明是从这几个例子中证明了刚才的论点的,大致可以写成From example A and B, we can draw such a conclusion。接下来可以继续发挥下,大致写成Example A中的某人或某事没有成功,但他们得到了什么样的教训,从而为什么样的成功打下了基础等等。写到这里,结束段落就算完成一半了。

接下来的一半要写什么呢?好的结束段落往往都会增加些新的内容,要有点画龙点睛的东西,这一点和我们中学里学习作文是一样的。这就要看具体情况怎么样去发挥了。一般来说,如果你认同观点A而反对观点B,在结束段落不妨顺便提一下观点B也有可取之处,但切记一句话就够了,免得让阅卷者认为你到文章最后在反驳你自己原来的观点,从而造成立场模糊的感觉。你也可以说观点A的正面影响或观点B的负面影响,比如刚才的题目,在结束段落的最后一半,可以这么说:如果人们太在意失败,不能从失败中奋起或学到经验,那么,更大的失败往往就是不可避免的。或者说:如果人们只关注成功,就很容易忽视失败给人生带来的正面意义。或者说:虽然人人渴望成功,但那种侥幸的成功是不会长久的,只有经历失败,总结经验教训后获得的成功才是恒久的,等等。总之,就是从文章的论点论据中发点具有积极意义的感慨,让人感觉就这个题目你确实是有感而发。这样,一个完整的结束段落就形成了。

● SAT作文的正文部分

作文的正文部分(Body Paragraph)是整个文章的核心段落。SAT并没有明确规定正文到底要写几段,这取决于你到底要举几个例子来支持你的中心论点。如果举一个例子,那正文部分就是一个段落;如果举两个例子,那么正文部分就是两个段落。

我们认为,举两个例子比较合适。如果只举一个例子,对很多中国学生来说,文章恐怕写不长,说服力也不够;要是举太多的例子,限于篇幅,可能每个例子很难写得深刻,同时也显得杂乱。而且,在短时间内要找出更多的例子,对背景知识不是很丰富的学生来讲也会比较困难。所以我们在此建议,正文部分就举两个例子。如果你只举一个例子,你必须对这个例子的内容非常熟悉,有很多内容可写。要对整个例子进行深度挖掘,正文部分往往写成narrative(叙述)的形式。我们在此提醒各位同学,如果你在考试时实在想不到第二个例子,那就把第一个例子好好发挥吧。

那么到底要怎么样来举例呢?

SAT命题作文的题目其实是有一定规律可循的。这几年的真题不外乎都是关于名人、成功、失败的教训、人际关系、新技术发展对人类的影响,等等。我们建议考生一定要熟悉一些美国人耳熟能详的名人典故,用以在作文中举例。笔者的一名学生写作功底并不是很强,临考前背了几个例子,自己加以改动发挥,居然都用上了,还拿到了11分。这么说不是要学生去背诵,要真那样被阅卷者发现,就彻底完了,不仅会得0分,搞不好还会弄出个学术剽窃的麻烦。

尽量不要举中国的例子,你说的东西人家不熟悉,就没有亲切感。比如说恒心的重要性,最好举爱迪生的例子(虽然这个例子已老掉牙了),如果你的例子是愚公移山,或是陈景润多少年如一日研究哥德巴赫猜想,人家根本不知道他们是谁。如果非要举中国的例子,写姚明也好,起码看NBA的都知道。准备得越充分拿高分的机会就越大,所谓的一分耕耘,一分收获。

确定了要举的例子之后,就要考虑怎么样去写这个例子了。例子的作用是证明你的观点,不能为了举例而举例。即这个例子和你的中心观点之间的关系要在正文中体现出来,而不能是纯粹在正文部分讲个故事。比如这道题,谈的是失败可以使人们学到有益的东西。所以,例子的侧重点应该放在人们从一个失败的经历中学到了什么东西,而不是一个事情是怎么失败的。这一点请同学们切记。我们接下来会看到该作文题的一个优秀范文,其中举到了哥伦比亚号航天飞机失事的故事,但该范文并没有把主要笔墨放在飞机是怎么失事的,而是美国宇航局从失事中学到了什么东西,对未来的成功有什么正面意义。

上面谈到的关于SAT作文的开头结尾和正文的写法,是一个行之有效的套路,同学们可以按这个模式去练习,逐步形成适合自己的一个写作方式。这样,在面对一个作文题时候,就可以做到胸有成竹,下笔有言了。如果没有形成自己的套路,平常不注意练习,在25分钟内要想成功组织一篇精彩的文章,恐怕会有很多问题。

根据以上讲解,同学们可以按照这个套路来练习了。每篇练习文章都按照4个段落展开,开始段、结尾段加上中间的两个段落(每个例子写一个段落),把SAT的四段论文章反复练习,以保证真正考试时候得心应手。

下面是该作文题的几篇考生作文,并逐一附上评析。

SAMPLE ESSAYS WITH SCORES

Think carefully about the issue presented in the following excerpt and the assignment below.

Intellectuals in America and abroad have debated over the concept of success in American Culture. Success can be defined quite differently by different people, but few people argue that being successful is not considered valuable. However, some people also advocate the view that something considered unsuccessful can also have some value.

Assignment: What is your view of the claim that something unsuccessful can still have some value? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and example taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observation.

6分作文: (4段落2个例子)

In today’s fast-paced, driven society, much emphasis is placed on the final result of an endeavour. American society places a premium on success; our culture has little tolerance for failures or losers. Within this culture framework it sometimes becomes easy to immediately dismiss failures. However, value is not found only in success. As the examples of the recent Columbia shuttle disaster and the Vietnam War demonstrates, events that are not successful still have value.

When the Columbia space shuttle disintegrated upon re-entry, the American people experienced a great tragedy led to a complete investigation of the space program. Deficiencies in the chain of command and the entire culture of NASA were exposed. As a result of the Columbia tragedy, NASA will re-examine its practices and change their ways so something like this doesn’t happen again. Surely, this is a valuable thing to come from a horrible failure.

Another unsuccessful endeavour was the Vietnam War. America sent troops to Vietnam to prevent the country from becoming Communist. However, after many years of struggle, the troops were withdrawn and Vietnam fell to the Communist party. But this failure had much value. On one hand, our failure in Vietnam led to an important lesson in successful war strategy. The experience of the fierce guerrilla war led to changes in tactics that later helped America in other conflicts. Also, the Vietnam failure helped change the American culture. People protested the war and the government responded to the voice of the public. These important changes show the value that can come from failure.

Clearly, there is much value in things that are not successful. The Columbia disaster and the Vietnam War are but two examples of unsuccessful events that led to valuable lessons and changes. There is much to be learned from a failure and those who focus only on success will miss out on valuable lessons.

【点评】

这是一篇典型的4段落2个例子的优秀满分作文。

题目问的是能否从失败中学到有益的东西?作者在第一段讲了几句相关的话后过渡到正题,提出了自己的中心论点即value is not found only in success。接着,作者用哥伦比亚航天飞机失事和越南战争的例子作为自己的thesis statement (As the examples of the recent Columbia shuttle disaster and the Vietnam War demonstrates, events that are not successful still have value)。

在第二段,作者首先列举了哥伦比亚航天飞机失事的例子,证明虽然这是个失败,但NASA从中学到了许多有益的教训。该段落的重点笔墨不是放在飞机失事的过程,而是放在该失事给NASA带来了什么教训。可以说,段落的重点很得当。如果把大量的笔墨耗费在介绍失事过程上,则该段落就是个失败了。另外,在举例结束后,作者把自己的thesis statement重复了一下,以加强该例子和中心论点之间的联系(Surely, this is a valuable thing to come from a horrible failure)。

第三段,作者列举了美国越战这一家喻户晓的历史事件,重点提到虽然战争以美国的失败告终,但美国政府从中吸取了经验教训,开始对民众反战的呼声越发重视。在该段落结束的地方,作者也重复了thesis statement的内容,但和第二段的重复保持了措辞的区别,虽然核心意思是一回事(These important changes show the value that can come from failure)。

在结束段落,作者先总结了自己的核心观点,并指出以上列举的两个例子可以证明自己的观点,到这里,结尾段落的上半部分就算结束了。紧接着,作者强调,如果只一味强调成功而忽视失败,我们就会漏掉人生中许多宝贵的经验教训。这句话可以说是在对全文做总结,同时又提出了问题的一个反面,和全文呼应。稍显遗憾的是,结尾的后半部分内容有些不足,其实可以再多写一两句,以免给阅卷者留下草草结尾的感觉。总的来说,全文结构清晰,段落自然, 文章的笔墨收放自如,作者知道什么地方该渲染,什么地方该一带而过,反映了作者思路清晰,对作文题的把握很准确。另外,对需要重复的地方,作者不是简单地重复原句,而是重复句意,把句子的形式和用词都做了一些改动,以免枯燥。

这篇作文也反映了作者的语言使用技巧和遣词造句能力,如 places a premium on success, dismiss failures, horrific failure等等。同时,语言非常地道,即使看上去很简单的句子,反映的也是典型的美式思维。

5分作文:

Success is achievement of something desired, planned, or attempted. However, just because an endeavour was unsuccessful does not mean it is without value. The failed Columbia mission and the Vietnam War are two such examples.

The goal of the Columbia space shuttle mission was to launch safely into space, performing scientific experiments, and to land safely on earth. This was what the crew of and the people at the Houston space centre attempted. This mission was successful until re-entry, when the space shuttle disintegrated without warning. The goal was not achieved; seven astronauts tragically lost their lives. This failure does not mean that this tradgety was without value. It forced NASA to re-examine its contingencies. NASA was compelled to look carefully at its organization structure, independent contractors, and engineering practices. Congress demanded accountability, and was forced to re-examine its budget practices concerning space exploration.

The goal of the Vietnam War was to prevent Communism from taking hold in that country. Many at the time believed that if Vietnam became Communist, so too would the rest of the region. When we left, the country fell to the Communist party. However, advancements in military training came out of the conflict. We learned the value of “special forces” and developed new tactics to fight in environments where tanks were less efficient than air strikes. These lessons better prepared us for modern warfare.

It would be preferable if we did not have to pay such a high price to learn such lessons. The Columbia space tragety and the Vietnam War both demonstrate how events perceived as failures can still have value.

【点评】

这是一篇5分作文。

在开始段落,作者提出了核心观点,并且也给出了thesis statement。所以说,基本的东西都有了,但和6分作文开头比较,这篇作文的开头稍显单薄。作者的第一句是对成功的定义,紧接着第二句就说一件事情不成功不代表它没有价值。因此,第一和第二句话之间的过渡显得有点仓促,不是很自然。但不管怎样,开始段落该有的东西还是有了,一个阅卷者想要找的东西在第一段都提到了。

第二段作者介绍了哥伦比亚航天飞机失事的过程及带给NASA的经验教训,这个例子确实也能证明作者的中心论点,但是作者没有处理好文章的笔墨,他把大量的文字都用来描写失事带给NASA经验教训以外的东西了。起码,该段落的前面两句话是多余的,在这里没有必要介绍哥伦比亚航天飞机的科学任务是什么,没有必要花大量的笔墨在飞机失事之前的东西。同时,该段落结尾处也没有重复thesis statement以加强该例子和中心论点之间的联系。

第三段的问题和第二段的问题差不多,还是一个笔墨摆放的问题。

结束段落只有两句话,虽然讲的内容都符合SAT作文要求,但只有上半部分,没有下半部分即“发挥”。和开始段落一样,结尾有些仓促,起码应该在此基础上多写两句话。

总的来说,虽然该作文存在一些问题,但由于结构清楚,中心论点明确,举例恰当,符合SAT作文的要求,所以拿到了5分。另外,作者对语言的把握能力虽然不如6分作文作者那样驾轻就熟,但全篇没有什么语法错误,句意也很清楚,即使有点小毛病如拼写错误(tragedy),句式结构还是比较老到的。对一个中学生来说,拥有这样的写作功底也是难得的。

4分作文:

Some people would say that something that is not successful does not have any value. I would have to disagree with this statement. Sometimes, things that are not successful still have some value. For example, the Columbia space shuttle and the Vietnam War were not successful, but they had value. Thus, it is true that something not successful can still have value.

For instance, the Columbia disaster. Columbia was destroyed in an accident when the shuttle tried to re-enter the atmosphere. This accident was a horrible failure and many people were very upset by it. The value, though, comes from the new way in which we now look at things. Because of Columbia, the space program now know what is wrong. Hopefully, they will change it.

Vietnam is also an example of something not successful. We went to Vietnam in an attempt to get rid of communists. The war went on for a while, but we were not able to win. Many soldiers were killed and the public were very angry about the whole thing. Soon there were many protests across the country and college students especially became active against the war. By the time the war was ended the people were very upset with their country.

These two examples show that something not successful can still have value. As we have seen, both Columbia and the Vietnam War were not successful. Yet, we got something of value out of them.

【点评】

开始段落把中心观点讲出来了,并且也有thesis statement。但是从第一段就可以看出作者重复性的句子太多了,句式缺少一定的变化。

第二段在介绍哥伦比亚航天飞机失事这个例子的时候,也犯了和5分作文相同的错误,就是没有把笔墨的重点放在这件事给NASA带来什么教训上,只提到了一句the space program now know what is wrong,仅仅说他们知道错了,不够具体,应该在此处加上一些具体细节(specific details)。另外,开始一句话是不完整句子(sentence fragment),犯了一个语法大忌。还有就是最后一句(Hopefully,they will change it)显得很勉强,让人感觉作者是无话可说但又想拉长文章篇幅的一个无奈之举,另外使文章的语气有点玩世不恭。

第三段的问题和第二段一样,笔墨分配存在问题。虽就越战本身说了一些不重要的细节,但没有把战争给美国带来什么样的教训说清楚。

最后一段就两句话,显得头重脚轻。

总的来说,这篇作文是个典型的4分作文,作者对作文题有着较深的把握,并且用了适当的例子来证明他的观点,结构清楚,段落自然。但是,由于文章在举例时没有把握好笔墨的重点,导致失分较大。从语法方面看,个别地方外还算通顺,但和满分及5分的作文相比,作者的遣词造句能力和驾驭句式的能力显得很稚嫩。

3分作文:

Sometimes, things that are not successful still have some value. For example, the Columbia space shuttle was not successful but was valuable.

The Columbia disaster it was really sad that the Columbia blew up and the astronauts died. I saw it on my TV and cried. They found pieces for days and days all over Texas. But it was valuable like that Challenger that blew up a long time ago because it makes us want to get it right. We want to fix it so it doesn’t happen again and so regular people can go to space like that kid from N*Synch tried to do. And so we will keep going to space and getting satellites for satellite TV and spying and stuff. And so NASA and the President are going to go to Mars next.

Something not successful can still have value because we will go to space even if the Columbia disaster happened.

【点评】

这是一篇让人哭笑不得的跑题作文,能拿3分也足以说明SAT作文给分还是很宽松的。反正笔者教学这么多年,3分的作文我也只见到过一次。

全文只举了哥伦比亚飞机失事的一个例子,没有对该例进行深度挖掘。而且,就是这一个例子,作者也是把笔墨放在介绍失事过程上而不是放在失事给美国带来什么教训上。作者甚至提到了自己痛哭流涕这样具体的无关细节,同时又异想天开说美国总统上火星等等,这些都和文章的主题无关。文章的拼写错误很多,全部都是口语化的东西,虽然SAT没有要求考生把作文写得像academic essay(学术论文)一样,但要是一个阅卷者在批阅一份作文时候,感觉像是在听这个作者面对面地讲话,他能给这个作文很高的评价吗?而且,整个文章的句式死板单调,显得很稚气,不像是个即将进入大学学习的中学生的作品。

从正面来看,作者还是了解了这篇作文的目的,对作文题的要求还是把握住了,有自己的观点,并且知道用例子来支持自己的观点。所以尽管存在这样那样的毛病,阅卷者还是手下留情给了3分。 K5JqeisQX3LnqIghsJebT1IhkiRKRgnutHDpcnWhe9bNLQQOxTtNqF0UD7pQ8yNx

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