LESSON 6

HOUSE CLEANING

大扫除

Francis Hopkinson, 1737-1791. He was the son of an Englishman; was born in Philadelphia, and was educated at the college of that city, now the University of Pennsylvania. He represented New Jersey in the Congress of 1776, and was one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence. He was one of the most sensible and elegant writers of his time, and distinguished himself both in prose and verse. His lighter writings abound in humor and keen satire; his more solid writings are marked by clearness and good sense. His pen did much to forward the cause of American independence. His “Essay on Whitewashing,” from which the following extract is taken, was mistaken for the composition of Dr. Franklin, and published among his writings. It was originally in the form of “A Letter from a Gentleman in America to his Friend in Europe, on Whitewashing.”

There is no season of the year in which the lady may not, if she pleases, claim her privilege; but the latter end of May is generally fixed upon for the purpose. The attentive husband may judge, by certain prognostics, when the storm is at hand. If the lady grows uncommonly fretful, finds fault with the servants, is discontented with the children, and complains much of the nastiness of everything about her, these are symptoms which ought not to be neglected, yet they sometimes go off without any further effect.

But if, when the husband rises in the morning, he should observe in the yard a wheelbarrow with a quantity of lime in it, or should see certain buckets filled with a solution of lime in water, there is no time for hesitation. He immediately locks up the apartment or closet where his papers and private property are kept, and, putting the key into his pocket, betakes himself to flight. A husband, however beloved, becomes a perfect nuisance during this season of female rage. His authority is superseded, his commission suspended, and the very scullion who cleans the brasses in the kitchen becomes of more importance than he. He has nothing for it but to abdicate for a time, and run from an evil which he can neither prevent nor mollify.

The husband gone, the ceremony begins. The walls are stripped of their furniture— paintings, prints, and looking-glasses lie huddled in heaps about the floors; the curtains are torn from their testers, the beds crammed into windows, chairs and tables, bedsteads and cradles, crowd the yard, and the garden fence bends beneath the weight of carpets, blankets, cloth cloaks, old coats, under petticoats, and ragged breeches. Here may be seen the lumber of the kitchen, forming a dark and confused mass for the foreground of the picture; gridirons and frying pans, rusty shovels and broken tongs, joint stools, and the fractured remains of rush-bottomed chairs. There a closet has disgorged its bowels—riveted plates and dishes, halves of china bowls, cracked tumblers, broken wineglasses, phials of forgotten physic, papers of unknown powders, seeds and dried herbs, tops of teapots, and stoppers of departed decanters—from the rag hole in the garret, to the rat hole in the cellar, no place escapes unrummaged. It would seem as if the day of general doom had come, and the utensils of the

house were dragged forth to judgment.

In this tempest, the words of King Lear unavoidably present themselves, and might, with little alteration, be made strictly applicable.

“Let the great gods,

That keep this dreadful pother o’er our heads,

Find out their enemies now. Tremble, thou wretch, That hast within thee undivulged crimes

Unwhipp’d of justice.

Close pent-up guilts,

Rive your concealing continents, and cry

These dreadful summoners grace.”

This ceremony completed, and the house thoroughly evacuated, the next operation is to smear the walls and ceilings with brushes dipped into a solution of lime, called whitewash; to pour buckets of water over every floor; and scratch all the partitions and wainscots with hardbrushes, charged with soft soap and stonecutters’ sand.

The windows by no means escape the general deluge. A servant scrambles out upon the penthouse, at the risk of her neck, and, with a mug in her hand and a bucket within reach, dashes innumerable gallons of water against the glass panes, to the great annoyance of passengers in the street.

I have been told that an action at law was once brought against one of these water nymphs, by a person who had a new suit of clothes spoiled by this operation: but after long argument, it was determined that no damages could be awarded; inasmuch as the defendant was in the exercise of a legal right, and not answerable for the consequences. And so the poor gentleman was doubly non-suited; for he lost both his suit of clothes and his suit at law.

These smearings and scratchings, these washings and dashings, being duly performed, the next ceremonial is to cleanse and replace the distracted furniture. You may have seen a house raising, or a ship launch—recollect, if you can, the hurry, bustle, confusion, and noise of such a scene, and you will have some idea of this cleansing match. The misfortune is, that the sole object is to make things clean. It matters not how many useful, ornamental, or valuable articles suffer mutilation or death under the operation. A mahogany chair and a carved frame undergo the same discipline; they are to be made clean at all events; but their preservation is not worthy of attention.

For instance: a fine large engraving is laid flat upon the floor; a number of smaller prinare piled upon it, until the superincumbent weight cracks the lower glass—but this is of no importance. A valuable picture is placed leaning against the sharp corner of a table; others are made to lean against that, till the pressure of the whole forces the corner of the table through the canvas of the first. The frame and glass of a fine print are to be cleaned; the spirit and oiused on this occasion are suffered to leak through and deface the engraving—no matter. If the glass is clean and the frame shines, it is sufficient—the rest is not worthy of consideration.An able arithmetician hath made a calculation, founded on long experience, and proved that the losses and destruction incident to two white washings are equal to one removal, and three removals equal to one fire

This cleansing frolic over, matters begin to resume their pristine appearance: the storm abates, and all would be well again; but it is impossible that so great a convulsion in so small a community should pass over without producing some consequences. For two or three weeks after the operation, the family are usually afflicted with sore eyes, sore throats, or

severe colds, occasioned by exhalations from wet floors and damp walls.

I know a gentleman here who is fond of accounting for everything in a philosophical way. He considers this, what I call a custom , as a real periodical disease peculiar to the climate. His train of reasoning is whimsical and ingenious, but I am not at leisure to give you the detail. The result was, that he found the distemper to be incurable; but after much study, he thought he had discovered a method to divert the evil he could not subdue. For this purpose, he caused a small building, about twelve feet square, to be erected in his garden, and furnished with some ordinary chairs and tables, and a few prints of the cheapest sort. His hope was, that when the whitewashing frenzy seized the females of his family, they might repair to this apartment, and scrub, and scour, and smear to their hearts’ content; and so spend the violence of the disease in this outpost, whilst he enjoyed himself in quiet at headquarters. But the experiment did not answer his expectation. It was impossible it should, since a principal part of the gratification consists in the lady’s having an uncontrolled right totorment her husband at least once in every year; to turn him out of doors, and take the reins of government into her own hands.

There is a much better contrivance than this of the philosopher’s; which is, to cover the walls of the house with paper. This is generally done. And though it does not abolish, it at least shortens the period of female dominion. This paper is decorated with various fancies; and made so ornamental that the women have admitted the fashion without perceiving the design.

There is also another alleviation to the husband’s distress. He generally has the sole use of a small room or closet for his books and papers, the key of which he is allowed to keep. This is considered as a privileged place, even in the whitewashing season, and stands like the land of Goshen amidst the plagues of Egypt. But then he must be extremely cautious, and ever upon his guard; for, should he inadvertently go abroad and leave the key in his door, the housemaid, who is always on the watch for such an opportunity, immediately enters in triumph with buckets, brooms, and brushes—takes possession of the premises, and forthwith puts all his books and papers “to rights,” to his utter confusion, and sometimes serious detriment.

【中文阅读】

在一年中没有哪个季节女士不主张自己的特权，当然，如果她想这么做的话。不过一般来说，五月份最后那一天是她固定行使这一特权的日子。对此特别留意的丈夫出于某种预感，会做出暴风雨即将来临的判断。倘若这位夫人烦躁愈甚，对仆人横加挑剔，就会对孩子们表现出不满，抱怨家里到处都污秽不堪。这都是一些不容忽视的征兆，当然有时也不会造成过分的影响。

不过当丈夫一大早起来时发现自家院子里的手推车装了不少石灰，或者水桶里盛满溶解了石灰的水时，就不该有片刻犹豫了。他应该马上锁上储藏自己文件和私人物品的储藏室或壁橱，将钥匙放进衣袋里后，快步赶往别处。尽管备受钟爱，然而在这个女性肝火旺盛的季节，丈夫非常招老婆厌烦。他的大丈夫气概受到践踏，他的权责暂无法行使，而在厨房里刷洗餐具的下人变得比他还要重要呢。除了暂时放弃一家之主的权力，什么也做不了，为了既不妨碍别人也不表现得心安理得，只有退避三舍了。

丈夫前脚一走，大扫除这个盛大仪式便开始了。墙壁四周的家具给挪开了——地板上堆满了装饰画，印刷品和镜子；窗帘盒扣住的窗帘给扯了下来，床都推到了窗跟前，院子里到处都是椅子、桌子、床架和摇篮。花园的栅栏被上面搭着的地毯、毛毯，大衣、旧衣服、衬裙和马裤压得都弯了。在这里也许能见到厨房里的杂物，共同组成了一幅图画黑魆魆和乱成一团的前景。烤架和煎锅，生锈的铲子和折了的火钳、折凳，还有残破不堪的灯心草椅垫。碗橱里的碗碟——用铆钉固定住的盘子和碟子，碎成两半的瓷碗，裂了缝的玻璃酒杯，碎了的葡萄酒杯，被遗忘的药用小玻璃瓶，用纸包着的不晓得名称的粉状物质，种子和干草，茶壶盖和老式玻璃水瓶瓶塞——从阁楼里的破布头，到地窖里的老鼠洞，没有一个地方能逃过这场大搜寻。仿佛白天的劫数注定会到来，这幢房子里的物什都会被拖出来接受审判。

在这场暴风雨中，李尔王的独白不可避免地表现出他们的心迹，也许有稍许改变，但再适当不过。

“让伟大的神灵，

在我们头顶掀起这场可怕的骚动。

现在，让他们找到他们的敌人吧。战栗吧，你这无耻之徒，尽管你的罪恶尚未被人察觉

没有受到正义的惩罚。

停止那些被压抑的罪行，

撕下你们包藏祸心的伪装，

揭露你们可怕的面目。”

这个仪式终于告一段落了，整幢屋子被彻底清空，接下里的行动就是用毛刷往墙和天花板上刷石灰水，就是所谓的白涂料。朝每块地板上泼几桶水，涂上肥皂和石匠用的沙子，用硬刷子刷掉所有隔墙和墙裙上的污物。

窗户绝不会逃过大扫除的。仆人冒着扭脖子的危险，从阁楼爬了出来，手里拿着一只带把儿的大杯，伸手可及之处有一只水桶，朝玻璃窗棂泼了很多水，这引起街上过路的行人很大的不满。

我听说，曾经有一人他的新西装被泼上了水，这属于违法行为。但是经过长时间争论后，认定没有造成损失就无需赔偿。由于被告可以行使法律规定的权利，对后果不负有责任。于是，一位贫穷的绅士会由于双重原因而不满意，因为，他的衣服既被泼上了水，又输了官司。

这些诅咒和刮擦声，这些洗涤和冲洗，都按部就班地上演着，接下来的仪式是清洗和把分散注意力的家具放回原处。想必你看到过一幢房子拔地而起，或者一条船起航——如果可能的话，不妨回忆一下这个匆忙、忙乱、乱作一团和吵吵闹闹的场景吧，你就会对这一清洗比赛有几分印象了。糟糕的是，唯一的目的就是令所有一切变得洁净。要紧的不是在这次行动中有多少有用、装饰性或者贵重物品损毁或者消失。一把红木椅子和雕刻镂空的架子也受到同样的对待。在任何情况下，它们都要保持清洁，不过它们的保持不值得予以注意。

譬如，一件很大的非常精美的雕刻画镶嵌在镜框里，平放在地板上，上面摞了一沓较小的印刷品，过重的重量压碎了下面的玻璃——不过这不打紧。一幅名贵的画倚着尖利的桌脚，其他物品则靠在画上，结果桌脚整个压力先传导到画布上。画框和玻璃肯定要清洗擦拭干净的，在这一场合所用的酒精和擦拭油必定渗进去，污损雕刻品的表面。如果玻璃表面很洁净，画框也光亮鉴人，这就足够了——其他的不值一虑。一位有本事的算术家根据长期的经验，解对了一道算术题，证明两次粉刷所造成的损失和偶然的损坏抵得上一次搬家，而三次搬家则无异于一次火灾。

这场清洁去污的嬉戏终告一段落，诸物开始重新恢复原初的面貌：暴风雨过后，万物又会再度繁茂；但是，在这样小的一个世界里如此之大的震荡，要想在没有任何后果的情况下安然度过是不可能的。在这次行动过后的两三个星期里，这个家庭的所有成员通常都会眼干舌燥，或是患上严重的感冒，系由于潮湿地板和刚粉刷的墙导致患上呼吸疾病所致。

我晓得这里有一位绅士，喜欢凡事按哲学方式揣度，他把我称为习惯的东西看作是一种真正的周期性疾病，与气候关系密切。他一系列相关的推理堪称异想天开和匠心独运，不过我无暇详述。结果，他发现病异状无法治愈，经过下工夫研究后，他以为自己发现了一种能让他无法制服的魔鬼分心的方法。为此，他建了一幢很小的建筑物，有十二平方英尺，就伫立在他家花园里，里面安置了几把正常尺寸的椅子和桌子，还有几幅很廉价的画。他希望当粉刷房子这个极度冲动的念头攫住了他家女主人时，她们能拿这个小建筑物作为发泄的出口，用力擦洗，擦亮和弄脏了她们的心爱之物，就这样病害导致的暴力在这个远离主宅的小屋里消耗殆尽了，而他则在主宅里悠然自得。然而，这个实验并不能满足他的期望。由于这种满足的主要部分体现在女性握有无法遏制的每年至少一次折磨自己丈夫的权利，不可能将他关在门外，而将家中的大权统揽于自己手上。

还有比这种哲学上的思辨更好的变通之法；那就是用纸来糊墙。很多家庭都这么做。尽管不会废除，但至少缩短了女性居于主导地位的阶段。这张纸绘以色彩斑斓的幻想，使其如此富有装饰性，以至于妇女不必理解图样，就能欣然接受时尚。

对于丈夫的痛苦处境而言，还有另一种缓解痛苦的方法。一般来说，他仅会占用一个小房间或者壁橱来放书籍和文件，钥匙则由他掌管。这个小房间或者壁橱被认为是享有特权的专有之地，甚至在粉刷季节，也像埃及瘟疫肆虐时的歌珊地一样。不过在那之后，他必须极为小心谨慎，以胜利者的姿态马上拎起水桶、拿着扫帚和刷子——仿佛这间房子的主人似的，毫不拖延地交出他对自己的书和文件的“权利”，陷入完全混乱的状态，有时则造成严重的损害。