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LESSON 1
A laughable story was circulated during the administration of the old Duke of Newcastle, and retailed to the public in various forms. This nobleman, with many good points, was remarkable for being profuse of his promises on all occasions, and valued himself particularly on being able to anticipate the words or the wants of the various persons who attended his levees, before they uttered a word. This sometimes led him into ridiculous embarrassments; and it was this proneness to lavish promises, which gave occasion for the following anecdote:
At the election of a certain borough in Cornwall, where the opposite interests were almost equally poised, a single vote was of the highest importance. This object the Duke, by well applied argument and personal application, at length attained; and the gentleman he recommended, gained the election. In the warmth of gratitude, his grace poured forth acknowledgments and promises without ceasing, on the fortunate possessor of the casting vote; called him his best and dearest friend; protested, that he should consider himself as forever indebted to him; and that he would serve him by night or by day.
The Cornish voter, who was an honest fellow, and would not have thought himself entitled to any reward, but for such a torrent of acknowledgments, thanked the Duke for his kindness, and told him the supervisor of excise was old and infirm, and, if he would have thegoodness to recommend his son-in-law to the commissioners, in case of the old man’s death, he should think himself and his family bound to render his grace every assistance in their power, on any future occasion.
“My dear friend, why do you ask for such a trifling employment?” exclaimed his grace;“your relative shall have it the moment the place is vacant, if you will but call my attention to it.”
“But how shall I get admitted to you, my lord? For in London, I understand, it is a very difficult business to get a sight of you great folks, though you are so kind and complaisant to us in the country.”
“The instant the man dies,” replied the Duke, “set out posthaste for London; drive directly to my house, and, be it by night or by day, thunder at the door; I will leave word with my porter to show you upstairs directly; and the employment shall be disposed of according to your wishes.”
The parties separated; the Duke drove to a friend’s house in the neighborhood, without a wish or desire to see his new acquaintance till that day seven years; but the memory of the Cornish elector, not being burdened with such a variety of objects, was more retentive. The supervisor died a few months after, and the Duke’s humble friend, relying on the word of a peer, was conveyed to London posthaste, and ascended with alacrity the steps of that nobleman’s palace.
The reader should be informed, that just at this time, no less a person than the King of Spain was expected hourly to depart this life, —an event in which the minister of Great Britain was particularly concerned; and the Duke of Newcastle, on the very night that the proprietor of the decisive vote arrived at his door, had sat up anxiously expecting dispatches from Madrid. Wearied by official business and agitated spirits, he retired to rest, having previously given particular instructions to his porter not to go to bed, as he expected every minute a messenger with advices of the greatest importance, and desired that he might be shown upstairs, the moment of his arrival.
His grace was sound asleep; and the porter, settled for the night in his armchair, had already commenced a sonorous nap, when the vigorous arm of the Cornish voter roused him from his slumbers. To his first question,“Is the Duke at home?” the porter replied, “Yes, and in bed; but has left particular orders that, come when you will, you are to go up to him directly.”
“Bless him, for a worthy and honest gentleman,” cried our applicant for the vacant post, smiling and nodding with approbation at the prime minister’s kindness, “how punctual his grace is; I knew he would not deceive me; let me hear no more of lords and dukes not keeping their words; I verily believe they are as honest, and mean as well as any other folks.” Having ascended the stairs as he was speaking, he was ushered into the Duke’s bedchamber.
“Is he dead?” exclaimed his grace, rubbing his eyes, and scarcely awakened from dreaming of the King of Spain, “Is he dead?”
“Yes, my lord,” replied the eager expectant, delighted to find the election promise, withall its circumstances, so fresh in the nobleman’s memory.
“When did he die?”
“The day before yesterday, exactly at half past one o’clock, after being confined three weeks to his bed, and taking a power of doctor’s stuff ; and I hope your grace will be as good as your word, and let my son-in-law succeed him.”
The Duke, by this time perfectly awake, was staggered at the impossibility of receiving intelligence from Madrid in so short a space of time; and perplexed at the absurdity of a king’s messenger applying for his son-in-law to succeed the King of Spain: “Is the man drunk, or mad? Where are your dispatches?” exclaimed his grace, hastily drawing back his curtain; where, instead of a royal courier, he recognized at the bedside, the fat, good-humored countenance of his friend from Cornwall, making low bows, with hat in hand, and “hoping my lord would not forget the gracious promise he was so good as to make, in favor of his son-in-law, at the last election.”
Vexed at so untimely a disturbance, and disappointed of news from Spain, the Duke frowned for a moment; but chagrin soon gave way to mirth, at so singular and ridiculous a combination of circumstances, and, yielding to the impulse, he sunk upon the bed in a violent fit of laughter, which was communicated in a moment to the attendants.
The relater of this little narrative, concludes, with observing, “Although the Duke of Newcastle could not place the relative of his old acquaintance on the throne of His Catholic Majesty, he advanced him to a post not less honorable—he made him an exciseman.”
(Blackwood’s Magazine)
【中文阅读】
在纽卡斯尔老公爵
主政期间，流传一个有关他的令人忍俊不禁的故事，几经转述公众听到的竟有几个版本。这位绅士可笑之处颇多，以好在各种场合滥施承诺而引人侧目，尤好在等待谒见他的各色人等还未开口讲话前就过早道出他们想说的话，满足他们的需要，以此抬高自己。此举有时会令其陷于可笑的尴尬窘境。正是这种慷慨承诺的癖好，才引出下面这则趣事：
在康沃尔某一自治镇的选举中，反对的票数几乎与拥护的票数持平，一票之差就能决定命运。公爵的可笑之处体现在企图通过辩论和个人申请，最终达到目的。结果，他推荐的绅士赢得了选举。一番致谢后，他开始答谢，不停地对幸运地赢得选票的人做出承诺，称他为自己最好和最亲近的朋友。他坚称始终认为自己欠这人的人情，就应该旦夕之间都要为他略尽绵薄之力。
康沃尔这位选举人是一位诚实的人，断不敢认为自己配得上此等殊荣，闻听公爵如滚滚洪流一般的答谢谦辞后，马上对公爵的仁慈善意表示感谢，并告诉他总督年高体弱，万一这位老者撒手而去，倘若公爵能推荐他的女婿出任专员的话，他本人和全家将来必定效犬马之劳。
“我亲爱的朋友，你为什么要自寻烦恼谋这个微不足道的差事呢？”公爵说,“如果你仅仅让我留意的话，你的亲戚很快就会有隙可乘。”
“可是，我怎样才能获得您的认可呢，大人？至于在伦敦，我明白要想在您众多的追随者中幸蒙您垂青比登天还难，尽管您在这个国家一向以仁慈和善、容易亲近而享有盛名。”
“这人一死，”公爵答道，“你就火速赶往伦敦，马车直接赶到我的府上，不管白天还是黑天，直接敲门就是。我会给门童交代这事，门童直接带你上楼。这个差事会如愿给你留着的。”
晚宴散后，公爵乘马车来到相邻的朋友家下榻，一直到七年后的那天都没有任何想去看望自己这位刚结识的朋友的意思和愿望。不过，这件事在康沃尔这位选举人的记忆里可扎下根了。几个月后总督死了，公爵这位卑微的朋友怀揣着对同侪这句话的期冀，十万火急地赶往伦敦，抢先一步踏上那位大人物宅邸的台阶。
列为看官想必清楚，在当时有一位身份不亚于西班牙国王的人无时无刻不想远离这种生活，问题是大不列颠的内阁大臣则尤其热衷于这种生活。在那个特别的夜晚手中握有关键选票的人在纽卡斯尔公爵门前叩门，而纽卡斯尔公爵原本焦急地盼望来自马德里的信件。由于连日公事繁忙，他心神疲惫不堪，已经回到内室休息。他早就叮嘱过门童务必打起精神，他每分钟都在焦急中度过，盼望有信使捎来最重要的讯息，盼着门童能将信使引上楼来。就在这时，这位关键人物来了。
公爵鼾声大作，坐在扶手椅里守夜的门童，已经开始发出响亮的鼾声，这时康沃尔这位选举人用有力的胳膊捅了一下门童，他这才从梦乡惊醒。对来客的第一个问题，“公爵在家吗？”门童答道，“在家，在床上睡觉呢；不过留下话了，你来时，他会直接来迎接你的。”
“上帝保佑这位尊敬和诚实的绅士，”我们这位选举人冲着旁边空着的座位说道，脸上挂着微笑，对首相的善意赞许点头示意。“公爵大人太准时了；我晓得他不会骗我的，我听说大人和公爵们都信守诺言，我真的认为他们都很诚实，不像其他人那样卑鄙。”他边说，便登上楼梯，被领进公爵的卧室。
“他死了？”公爵大人突然从梦到西班牙国王的睡梦中惊醒，揉着眼睛高声问道。
“是的，大人。”这位急切的觐见者答道，高兴地发现从情形看选举承诺没有落空，一直留驻在公爵的记忆里呢。
“他什么时候死的啊？”
“前天，准确说是一点半，在被关起来三个星期后死在床上了，临死前服了一剂医生开的药，我希望大人能兑现承诺，让我女婿接替他。”
公爵这时已经完全醒了，担心不可能这么短时间内便得到来自马德里的情报，对国王的信使请求让他的女婿来继任西班牙国王这种荒谬之举甚为困惑。“这家伙醉了，还是疯了？你们派的人在哪儿呢？”公爵边大声说，边拉开床帘；只见站在床前的不是皇家信使，他认出站在旁边的是那位胖胖的脸上一副愉快神情的来自康沃尔的老朋友，见他弯腰鞠躬，手上捧着帽子，说“希望大人不要忘了仁慈的承诺，在最后的选举中照顾他女婿”。
公爵对如此不合时宜的打扰非常恼怒，对来自西班牙的消息很失望，他眉头紧蹙，但很快就对如此滑稽和可笑的混乱转怒为笑，不再冲动，他哈哈大笑着躺在床上，示意侍者。
这则轶闻的叙述者评述道，“尽管纽卡斯尔公爵没有将他老相识的亲戚送上西班牙国王的宝座，他还是把他安排到一个不那么显要的位置上——他让他担任收税官。”